Once in a while

Once in a while I actually miss my job. Not often, quite honestly. 98% of the time, I feel like I did my thing as a scientist, was fairly good at it, but now is a different phase of my life and I am beyond content about it. Becoming a mom has changed me to the core and this is what I want to be doing in my heart and soul--besides, I did the whole working long hours thing and let me tell you, its overrated--even if kids are not in the equation and especially if your husband works long hours too. But once in a while, I feel a tad wistful about my career. I read this article on Yahoo and ooh I wish I still had access to scientific journals to read the nitty gritty of the studies. I think its pretty awesome, but I am a nerd that way. Then I caught the last 45 min of Randy Pauch's Last Lecture on PBS, which is not only inspiring in general, but also reminded me of the idealism and sense of discovering new frontiers in academia, along with having great mentors for inspiration. It totally totally sucks that this world lost this wonderful mind and man. Then I got an email from one of the grad students in my postdoc lab and he graduated, which reminded me of the relief and sense of accomplishment I felt when I graduated.

Ah, but then after these wistful feelings, I woke up and smelled the reality. While science is an exciting field, in theory, the reality of it is a bit different and disappointing. Like in my last job, my boss was a total wack job who always could surprise me with how freakin insensitive and just plain bizzare she could be. You people in the real world would just faint at some of the stuff that happens in the ivory tower--can you say lawsuit?
My day would go something like this:

• Wander into lab--turn on computer, check email.
• Get results from yesterday's experiment--curse b/c it didn't work AGAIN.
• Start next one--as one of my fellow grad students once described it, our job is all about sticking shit in tubes, pressing a button and waiting and waiting.
• Check email for the 100th time--oh wait, its only 10am.
• Have bizzare conversation with boss--in the ladies room through the stall, while peeing--pray she zips up her pants before she comes out.
• Go to a meeting or seminar--zone out and plan grocery list in head. Observe strange famous scientist scratch his back and sniff his fingers after--I SWEAR its a true story.
• Check experiment--shit didn't work again.
• Start next one--more shit in tubes, start timer.
• Check email and babycenter AGAIN.
  

Okay, you get the idea--not exactly what I pictured when I signed up. I would much rather be spending the day dancing/running/playing with Lana.

Anyway, I suppose in a weird way my career always gave me a lot of self confidence as a woman and now that I don't have it anymore, sometimes I feel a little lost. Besides, this whole mom thing does not give me confidence--I question everything I do, well less now than when Lana was a baby, but still--carrying a tantruming 2 year old out of a public place definitely does not make you feel like you totally have it together.But I suppose its all part of the process of parenting and with time and experience you get more confident, just like anything else. I just hope I am doing it right.