Productive Weekend

We had a pretty good weekend and it feels good to get out a little more. It at least feels more "normal". Friday night we went to our favorite sushi restaurant. Its our favorite b/c they have the BEST kids meal EVER!! Shrimp tempura udon noodle soup for $7. But it comes with a small bowl of miso soup, they have complementary edammame, and the shrimp tempura is served with tempura veggies and they leave it separate from the udon noodle soup so it doesn't get soggy AND it comes with 3 pieces of cali rolls. And that's just the kids meal. Bill and I ate a boatload of sushi, but they were so busy that by the time our sushi came, Lana was WAY done and antsy and Lacey needed a feeding, so Bill and I shoveled it in in like 5 minutes flat. Now that is a perfect example of eating out with kids. Shovel and enjoy and get the hell out of there before someone starts crying. We have been going out to eat fairly regularly since Lacey came along b/c she is pretty chill and with the carseat awning (which I call the sneeze guard) and the bundle me, she is pretty covered. Plus eating out is really our entertainment and such a treat b/c I don't have to think about what to cook and who is going to eat it or enjoy it and I don't have to clean up. Maybe one day I will enjoy cooking again? I hope so...one day.

Saturday we were up bright and early. Lacey has been doing a bunch of nights in a row where she is up every 2h to eat, but she only has one boob, so she is hungry in 2h, but not starving and oh, I just want to go back to sleep. We went to get photos done at Picture People. I was thinking that Lacey will probably sleep through the whole thing and Lana is only somewhat cooperative on a good day, so this will probably be a disaster all around. To my great surprise it went so well! We got a family portrait and a couple of both girls. Lacey was awake and content the whole time. Lana followed directions and was totally agreeable the whole time. It was by far the least stressful photo experience since Lana was born. I couldn't believe it. For the family portrait they had us sitting in this totally goofy configuration that made Bill bend in ways he is not designed to bend and me leaning too far forward which made me look like I was about to flash a boob and we both looked ridiculous. Luckily I asked the girl if we could do one standing up or we wouldn't have a decent one. After, we went out for lunch and headed home. My mom came over and I caught a much needed nap! I was so totally out of it--I slept for 2 hours and it felt like much longer. Mom and Lana played, we had a lovely meal that a friend brought over on Friday--yay no cooking again--and it was a nice evening.

Sunday was a great day too. Bill and Lana went to see Disney on Ice. It was Lana's first experience like this. The main attraction was Tinkerbell and Bill said she was transfixed. We initially thought my mom would take her, but she insisted that Bill take her. Lana has been very affectionate towards Bill lately and he is loving it. He has been wishing for a daddy's girl for so long! So they went and we were worried she either wouldn't have the patience to sit still or she would be scared of the noise and lights or something else would freak her out. You never know with Lana. A hangnail produces tears and requires a band-aid and magic jelly bean (thanks Laura), but a flu shot is no biggie. Like I said, unpredictable. So they had a blast and Lana came home with a $14 Tinkerbell cup (ouch!) with straw that was apparently once filled with "artificial ice" according to Lana. She was surprised that the princesses were not robots, but "real people Mama!" While Bill and Lana were on their date, mom and I took Lacey and went to the outlet mall to start Christmas shopping. I generally don't start this early, but this year I better get my butt in gear.

So overall it was a productive weekend and last night Lacey finally slept more than 2h at a stretch, so I feel like a million dollars! I went for my 6 week checkup at my OB today, which was surprisingly a pants-off appointment (I didn't remember that from the first time) and I got cleared for all the limitations you have post-partum--none of which I feel much like participating in at the moment. I am still having pain from time to time, but the pain in significant. Yeesh, am I ever going to feel normal again? But all is well and I am thankful for that.

Grief, continued

I have been having a hard time finding the time to sit down and blog. Or even just sit down. Lacey has had some increased fussiness, during feeding times only. That, coupled with her cold, she has not been feeding well and we went to the pediatrician for the third time in 2 weeks. Baby zantac has worked wonders, even in just a couple of doses and my zen baby is back--whew! She even rewarded me with a 4.5h stretch of sleep AT NIGHT! But guess what? I had insomnia. How's that for irony? She has not repeated the phenomenon. Oh well, at least I know she can do it.

We have also been getting out of the house a little more. We had our first playdate this week and we have had a few visitors this week as well. We have also been doing errands like Target and the grocery store in the early morning hours so that its not too crowded. I still don't have the physical stamina I wish I did. I can overdo it very easily and then have abdominal pain, which is a drag. I am hoping we go out for sushi tonight. I have been indulging in sushi almost weekly since Lacey was born.

Also since Lacey was born, I have not had a very difficult time with the grief I was experiencing prior, due to my dad's death. But its funny how grief works, sometimes you are just going along in your life and something will happen, you see something seemingly benign and the band-aid is ripped off all over again. This happened twice this week or was it last week? The days are all running together now. I turned on Oprah, which I never watch and Lisa Niemi, Patrick Swayze's wife was on the show, talking very candidly about her husband, their marriage and the last few days of his life. The last few days of Patrick Swayze's life sounded a lot like the last few days of my dad's life. She described it in great detail, things the hospice nurses said, his level of coherence, etc. It was enough to just stop me dead in my tracks and remember those last few days, seeing him via Skype, talking to him, but him unable to speak back. The pain of his death just resurfaced and it wasn't pleasant.

Then today, Lana asked me to see photos from our wedding, which she does quite often and when I got to the bookshelf, I noticed a scrapbook I made from college. I asked her if she wanted to see mommy in college and she agreed. I was looking at photos of my friends and those silly times that seem SO very long ago and wedged in one of the pages was a letter from my dad, dated February 21, 1995. A real letter people, not an email, remember those? Wow, it was weird to read. Especially weird b/c this pre-dated my parents' divorce, my dad's relocation to VA. It was as close of a snapshot of my family that I remember from my childhood, but that I rarely even think about now. He talked about all of these things going on at home--silly things like we had moles in the garden, the cat was being a pain in the ass, he was traveling for work too much. He was so sweet, giving me encouragement to study hard, but to remember to have fun. To be good, but not to stress so much. He said that I bring him and my mom unending joy and pride. He apologized for not writing often enough.

Finding this letter was a gift, almost a conversation I wish I could have with him now. I wish I could have any conversation with him right now. Sometimes, after it rains and the sky is blue with those big fluffy white cotton clouds, I look to the sky and talk to him and wonder what he is doing up there. But its not the same.

Critics corner

I realized that my recent posts have been rather complainy, so I thought I should mix things up a bit. I decided to do this despite the urge to pontificate on 3.5 year old tantrums and the one I just experienced 5 minutes ago which leaves me totally dumbfounded and worn out, but I think I'll pass this time on being complainy and pessimistic and grumpy. Just this once.

We have spent SO much time at home the last 5 weeks. So much of this time has been spent in front of the TV. Watching Nick Jr., formerly Noggin b/c according to her, PBS is so for little kids. We have seen every episode of every cartoon, multiple times. I thought I would do a little "critics corner" of the children's programming.

Wow Wow Wubbzy--our favorite by far. Lana totally loves Wubbzy--thinks he is cool. She loves Widget, Walden and Daisy and all of their attributes. Lana will even quote it in her real life. "That wasn't supposed to happen" or "grapetty grape juice" or "kickity kick ball" are lines I hear often. She is glued to it as I type. I think it teaches some good lessons overall.

Olivia--I love the theme music, so catchy and peppy. Olivia reminds me so much of Lana. Precocious, creative, bossy. Plus, I love the way the pigs walk--so refined!

Yo Gabba Gabba--I'll admit, when I first saw this show, I thought you know the people who make this show are on drugs. This is like the Telletubbies for older kids. But then it started to grow on me. I like the music and the lessons put into songs--like "too much candy's gonna make you sick" or "don't bite your friends" or "there's a party in my tummy, so yummy, so yummy". DJ Lance is pretty weird and the characters are bizarre, but I am definitely starting to love Yo Gabba Gabba.

Wonder Pets--Ugh, I hate this show--its so annoying. I don't care about the team work crap, the whole talking like its an opera and the speech issue on Ming Ming just irritates me.

Dora--I like Dora fine, but is it me or is everyone yelling their lines in this show?

The Upside Down Show--I like this show for the creativity and imagination. I just wish it wasn't on at bedtime--its too manic for bedtime. Those dudes are seriously nuts. Seriously.

Ni Hao Kai Lan--we love this for obvious reasons. Lana knows a bit of Chinese and its reinforced in this program. She can relate to Kai Lan. I love it that someone is always having a tantrum or a bad attitude and yet the rest of them are trying to problem solve.

I am so glad Halloween is finally over so that we can get some new episodes to watch. I know I am rotting Lana's brain by watching so much TV, but with the new baby and our self-imposed house arrest and then the illness, we have been parked in front of the TV for a month. I wish it was summer still! I miss summer.

The Halloween That Wasn't

I am looking forward to seeing all of your kids in their Halloween costumes, b/c well, we didn't do Halloween yesterday. Poor Lana was too sick and frankly she didn't give a hoot about Halloween or Trick or Treating. All day she was deliberating about which costume to wear. In August I scored an adorable flower costume from a consignment store that was warm and fuzzy. She also recently got her first princess dress-up dress--Snow White that I was going to let her wear for her school Halloween party since it was inside and she wouldn't freeze. But she missed her party b/c I couldn't send her to school with boogers dripping down her face, so I told her she could be either Snow White or the flower for real Halloween. Its so funny when I think about giving her choices. My mom and grandmother always comment about how we give her too many choices in general. Like its some newfangled parenting technique. Back in the day, you buy or actually make the Halloween costume and that's it--you are wearing it! No choice! But like many 3.5 year olds, Lana has been super indecisive about what her costume would be and yes, I have given her too many choices. But that's what we do these days--we give choices and time outs, we dilute the juice and we don't spank.

Anyway, last night at 5:30pm after a monster crying spell about um..nothing, Lana went up to her bed and slept. Wow--that's novel. She has never done that before. She must really feel like crap. We woke her for dinner which led to more crying and we decided no trick or treating. She didn't care as long as she could have a few pieces of candy for her pumpkin from our stash. She seemed happy to have some sweet tarts after dinner and help me at the door. I asked her if she wanted to put on her costume so that the kids who come to our house would see her costume too--nope, no deal. So we put Lacey in her pumpkin onesie and took a few photos and that was Halloween this year.

It was so worth it though. It was pouring rain, which would have been miserable to walk around in. Especially since she was sick already, staying home was the right decision. I couldn't help but feel bad that she didn't get to do Halloween, but really I need to just drop my expectations. She is 3--she will never remember that she didn't do it. Plus I am sure there will be plenty more holidays and parties missed due to illness. So I am over it. Luckily I have another girl to save that awesome flower costume for.

Here are some photos of pre-Halloween festivities: cookies and pumpkin carving, followed by a couple of photos of Lacey my pumpkin and her startle response.

Sickness

This week has felt like at least two. Everyone in the house is sick (except me, knock on every wood surface available). Lana was first and she is still battling it. She is still super congested and has decided she does not like to wipe her nose with tissues--she prefers her blanket, which is like biohazard material now. She also has a cough--the barking seal kind. She has never had a cough like this before--she generally clears colds quickly, but this one is hanging on. Bill and my mom got it next. Then Lacey. My poor, tiny, helpless newborn is full of gunk, choking and gagging on it. Puking it up sometimes (fun times). She has no runny nose, so using the booger sucker is pointless. The good news is she is nursing okay, a little less, but she is staying hydrated. Her fever has been no higher than 99, so far, so we don't need to run to the ER (yet). I took both girls to the pediatrician twice this week to make sure their ears, throats and lungs were clear. All good, we just have to wait this one out.

But I am tired. At least I am not sick (knocking again on wood). My house is a mess. I am doing laundry every day. My hands are raw from handwashing and Purell. I feel sad for Lacey b/c she is so tiny and obviously uncomfortable. But the difference this time, compared to when Lana was a baby, is that I know that this too shall pass.

The Honeymoon is Over

What a week! The tides have turned. We were doing great, I was in that super happy--everything is going super--mood and then last weekend it all started with Lana having a case of the 3.5 year old crazies. She was just so sour--she woke up pissed off and Bill and I were just counting down until bedtime. There was little improvement all week. It didn't help that it rained and was gloomy all week. We blew through probably $50 in crafts by about Wednesday. Listening? Obedience? Out the window! Me yelling? You betcha! Me losing my shit? At times, a little overboard I admit. It all peaked on Thursday after she came back from a school field trip that I didn't attend. She lost it, I lost it and when Bill came home I begged him to take her out to give me a time out. I ate 8 pieces of chocolate and I would have had some wine if I wasn't still taking narcotics (dammit).

It was tough, but I expected tough days. And so it was. But what I didn't know is that Friday would be an extra tough day.

Friday morning Lana woke up sweet. Ahhhh, thank goodness! To celebrate, I took Lana (and Lacey) to the pet store to look at the fish, birds, cats, etc. We are not a pet household, so this is all pretty novel for her. We walked around for a while and decided to get lunch at a taco place down the street. We piled in the car, drove down the street and I was thinking that this would be my first restaurant experience with both girls on my own and I would probably need to nurse at some point during our lunch. No biggie, I can do this. I can do TWO kids. When we got there, we got out of the car, I put Lacey's infant seat in the snap n go and I pushed while Lana walked next to me. I usually hold Lana's hand when we walk in parking lots, but this time I didn't. She was being obedient and it wasn't crowded. Then Lana tripped on the curb. She landed on her face. There was blood, a lot of blood. She was hysterical and inside, so was I. But I tried to remain as calm as I could, which was not very calm. I immediately let go of the stroller, which started to roll a little. There was a man who grabbed it. (WHY THE EFF DID I DO THAT?) I grabbed Lana and held her. She wouldn't let me look in her mouth to see how bad it was. I instructed the man to get me some ice and napkins from the restaurant. I briefly checked Lana for the presence of her teeth and I put the ice on her bleeding mouth. This whole time, Lacey is sleeping and I have to grab everything and get us to Bill's office. We are about 20 min away. I don't recall driving there, I just drove so fast. I am not good with medical emergencies--I looked back a few times at Lana and her lips were swollen twice the size. The blood! Her nose was scraped up too.

We got to Bill's office and he took her to the exam room and was so calm. Zen-like even. I guess that's why he is a real doctor and I am a fake one--LOL. I just don't have the personality for it. Plus, when its your kid with a bleeding owie, its a whole different ballgame. Probably those of you with boys have been through bleeding injuries before, but this was our first one (likely not our last), so it was new territory for me. Lana is also the kid who cries like crazy when she gets a hangnail. You can imagine the crying associated with this one! Bill cleaned her up, determined there was no major injury, put some lidocaine on her lip and gave her a piece of gauze to hold to her mouth until the bleeding stopped. When we got home, we could not get her to drink any water or anything, so forget about food. She held the gauze to her mouth for hours. We could not convince her to take it off. Its the quietest she has ever been. No talking for hours? Wow. As I am cuddling her on the sofa, I notice she feels warm, so I take her temp and its 99. Goodie, a fever too? Maybe its just the crying or related to the injury. It continues all evening and gets no higher than 100. This totally kills my plan for us getting the H1N1 vax on Saturday. And it makes me stressed about Lacey getting a fever virus.

As I got into bed last night after such a nutty day and hard week overall, I think about how I had so many regrets about how I handled the injury and myself as a mom. Why didn't I hold her hand? Why did I let go of Lacey's stroller? Why can't I be more collected in these moments? She is so perceptive, I know I made it worse when I picked her off the sidewalk and saw the blood--the look on my face was NOT reassuring. I know I am being a little hard on myself, but I can't help it. I wish I did things differently. It also made me think about how I pray that nothing seriously bad ever happens to my girls. This was a minor injury, but the thought of something worse? I can't even go there.

Saturday AM, Lana is fever-free, so we go get our H1N1 vax--whew! At least that is over and is one less thing I need to worry about. But when we get home, Lana starts sneezing and is super boogery. Great! A cold!!! I took her temp again and its 99. Even better, I just got her a vax during an illness--another banner parenting move by me. She continued to have the drippy nose and fever on and off all day. Poor thing was so pathetic between the illness and the injury. We gave her ice pops, jello and a lot of noodle soup and tofu. Of course, now I am super stressed about Lacey getting the cold and more importantly the fever. Over 100 and we are going to the ER for a spinal tap. Poor Lana kept trying to hug and kiss Lacey and of course I told her not to, which led to her crying about how I think that Lana doesn't love Lacey anymore. I tried to explain to her why she can't be near Lacey, but she doesn't understand how illness is transmitted. I spend so much time trying to get Lana to dig her sister and now I am telling her to stay away from her.

Lacey is a little fussy and her nose is a little drippy, but she doesn't have a fever--yet. Lana is still feverish on and off, which could be the cold or the vax. Lana's nose is a faucet and she is sneezing everywhere. i am trying to contain the germs, but it seems a little pointless.

I am so annoyed b/c we have literally been at home for a month. I have made one trip to Walmart, one to Trader Joes and that's about it. Lana has only been to my inlaws and school. We did everything we could to be isolated and stay at home and we STILL got sick. Grr. Ah, well I just hope if Lacey gets the cold she doesn't get a fever, but at this point I wouldn't be surprised if my next post is about our first trip to the ER.

Stir crazy Part 2 and Post partum report

When I posted about going nuts being stuck in the house, I must have been really tired or out of it (damn narcotics--still taking them--ugh!) b/c I forgot half of what I intended to say. Thanks to Desi for her idea about baking cookies, yesterday Lana and I made Halloween cut out cookies, complete with frosting and sprinkles and a holy hell of a mess. I figured if I must craft, an edible craft is a plus for sure. Aside from a few incidents of not listening, or complete lack of recognition that I am speaking--i.e. pretending to have a hearing deficit, we had a fun time. I only had to raise my voice once or twice, which takes the fun out of things, but whatever, I think Lana is going as batty as I am. We made some delicious and beautiful (ugly) pumpkins, bats and ghosts. The cleanup took longer than the project itself and Lana was high on sugar when we were done. But it killed the morning, so mission accomplished.

Last weekend we went to Trader Joes (all 4 of us) and this nutjob approaches me and scolds me for bringing my baby to the store and that I should not take her out of the house until she is 3 months old! Okay lady, would you like to do my shopping for me? Who does this? I basically told her that it was none of her business, but I said it nicely and she smiled back. I told you--nutjob. I did learn however that TJs on the weekend is overly crowded and that the weekdays are better for us all to be out. What the crazy lady didn't realize is that she was talking to a germaphobe and I have already been obsessing plenty about germ exposure and my clean, unimmunized newborn in the middle of not just your average flu season, but H1N1 hysteria flu season. But I cannot possibly stay literally inside my home for 3 months--I will lose my noodle. I could probably isolate myself if it was just a newborn, but with the toddler, no way, not possible--we will drive each other totally nuts. So I spoke to my pediatrician about it. She is great--reasonable, rational and she has a way of calming me down when I am a wee bit tightly wound. She recommended we abstain from toddler playdates until Lacey is one month old and after that, to remind friends that if anyone in their house has even a runny nose, we should postpone. Luckily my friends are very understanding of my phobia and concerns, so that shouldn't be a problem. Of course, Lana is in preschool, so it is inevitable that she will get sick and bring it home and we will pass it around. My ped put it this way: there are things you can control and you should and then there is the stuff you can't control, so live your life. She also said we should all be immunized for seasonal AND H1N1 shots, since Lacey can't receive either vaccine, this should prevent us from bringing it home and infecting her (theoretically at least). Winter sickness is inevitable. Lacey will get sick. Heck, we will all get sick. But a fever in a newborn means a trip to the ER and the ER is a germaphobe's hell on earth.

Here I am almost 3 weeks post partum and I am doing great! Except for the whole pain in the belly part. The other day I was thinking that I had great pain control and I would start decreasing my meds. But after I re-injured myself carrying Lacey in her car seat, I am back to where I started. I can handle taking the car seat and snapping it into the snap n go, but I can't haul that bucket around. Lesson learned. So physically, its still slow going and I feel like wimp. At least my incision looks good and healthy, although I am scared to rip off those tapes.

But mentally, I am fantastic! After Lana was born, I was a mess. Nothing was going right. I remember going to my 2 week post-op appointment and I was crying to my OB. I cried a lot, every day. It was harder than I expected. I wasn't good at it. I didn't understand my baby. Newborns are a puzzle I couldn't solve and I didn't understand why people had babies. I felt like my life as I knew it was over, I would never sleep again, I would never eat a meal without shoveling it in. Who cared about eating anyway, I just wanted to sleep. Plus my boobies were so sore that I couldn't even wear a shirt--the chafing! My neighbors (we lived in an apartment) got a free show, but I didn't care. Miserable didn't cover how I felt. This experience haunted me the entire time I was pregnant with Lacey. I did NOT want to do newborn again. I was wishing we could just fast forward to 6 months old. I braced myself.

I braced myself for nothing. This time, I feel happy, elated even. I thought maybe I was just in the honeymoon period or something, so I keep waiting for my normal anxious self to show up. But she is not here. I am just happy. So far, it hasn't been so hard (Sorry, Desi, I feel like I am stealing your post). I love snuggling Lacey, I love feeding her, I love looking at her. I love love love watching Lana interact with Lacey. I feel so relieved that Lana seems to like her (so far). I am relieved that I can handle both girls by myself (so far) and we haven't had any major meltdowns (myself included). Even in the morning, getting Lana ready and all of us out the door by 8am has worked out okay. A little harried, but we made it on time. I actually feel like I can do this. I have TWO kids! Wow! I never thought I would have any kids, let alone two. I look at my girls when they are not watching me and I am so taken by the miracle that they are. The miracle that we created these beautiful children, two new lives. Its amazing that two little cells become a whole being and that this lump of baby turns into a walking, talking, creative, intelligent little person. I know its cliche, but this miracle of life business is no joke. An unbelievable miracle indeed! I know its still early and it could still show up, but my fears of the return of PPD or PP anxiety or whatever are unfounded so far. Because of this, I am able to really enjoy this newborn phase in a way I did not think was possible for me. This is truly one hell of a do-over! Yay to that! I predict that the first winter sickness in our house will be my buzzkill, but we will get through it b/c now I know something I didn't know 3.5 years ago--everything is a phase and we will be okay.