She may be related to me after all

Ever since Lana was born, I have felt she is Bill's female clone. She looks like him, acts like him, has no patience like him, is stubborn like him, walks like him (seriously you should watch the 2 of them walk next to each other--its hilarious!), has his charming smile and the list goes on and on. Sometimes I love it--after all I married him b/c he inspired me to want children--to have a "little Bill". Sometimes its challenging. I often wonder how I can have a kid who is so different from me in so many ways--did I make any genetic contribution at all? My mother will totally back me up on this. Since she has been living with us she has often commented about how I was nothing like this as a child--I was agreeable, easygoing, well-behaved (ouch, I felt that), obedient, less manipulative, etc. Of course Lana has her sweet and lovable moments too, but the bewildering almost 3 year old behavior throws us all for a loop at times.

Lana just became interested in this new show on PBS called Sid the Science Kid. She is not just interested, she is obsessed! She loves it and not just the characters or the songs/dancing. She wants to investigate, make observations and write them in her notebook and play in the super fab lab (as they call it). She asked me the other day, "Mommy, what is a scientist?" I said, "Did you know that Mommy used to be a scientist?" "Mommy, tell me ALL about it!!" My fellow scientist friends will probably be laughing at that one b/c I have enough trouble explaining about my life as a scientist to most adults, let alone a 3 year old. Last night I caught Lana holding a hand held mirror and trying to look at things through her pretend magnifying glass. At least I have some gift ideas for her birthday.

I totally realize that this new found interest could be from Bill's side as well, since he is also a science geek like me, but I am laying claim to this one b/c dammit, she is like him in every other way!!

In other randomness, I am sick again. Another cold. I barely recovered from the last one, we not so affectionately refer to as the plague, when I started in with a new sore throat. Lana has it too but she seems to be feeling better than I am. Its not as bad as the plague, so hopefully in a few days we will be good as new.

Here is our latest ultrasound from the first trimester screen:
It was kind of surreal seeing the baby b/c I don't really feel pregnant this time around. Its just amazing there is something in there! The big difference this time (other than the fact that I can function) is our attitude. With my first pregnancy, I would walk in with a list of questions and Bill would steal away from work to make all my appointments. This time I walk in with nothing--no questions, no concerns--nothing! And Bill never comes--he just tells me to bring the ultrasound photo home. He does actually want to meet the doctor though, especially since I will be having surgery. You better believe that he will be there at the 20 week ultrasound when we do all the important measurements and find out gender. I feel so extremely lucky and blessed that I am having such a pleasant pregnancy and I sure hope it continues!

Sickness

We have been so lucky this year with the cold and flu season. Until last week. I still consider us super duper lucky b/c even though we have been very social with other children, we only had two mild colds--neither of which I got, miraculously! But this illness, my sweet husband brought home two weeks ago. He was sick. Very sick. Fever for 48 hours, cough, congestion. A bad one. He never complains about being sick and has never even entertained taking a sick day, but this time, he was wishing he could stay home just one day. A week later, Lana and I got it. She had fever for 3 days, which is miserable for her and everyone around her! She was so clingy to me and did nothing except lay around. Oh, the whining, the whining and complaining. I coughed my brains out and thanks to my pregnancy I either peed my pants or gagged with almost every cough or sneeze. I suppose I was just as whiny as Lana. Then Bill got better and a few days later he got worse, much worse. More fever, more congestion and he looked like hell. So he started antibiotics and still looks pretty bad--he has been sick for 2 solid weeks. Lana and I are almost all better, thankfully and we are just crossing our fingers that we don't get the second infection that is plaguing Bill. One thing that I find particularly challenging about being a stay at home mom during sickness is that we literally do not leave the house for many days in row and it drives me batty. I am hoping we can get out a bit this week and get some things accomplished. It will be nice to get out of my fleecy pants at least.

What a lucky girl am I

I have a great husband. He is cooking dinner right now, but that's not why I love him. Although, I do appreciate his cooking skills and him giving me a break (he is cooking fish which is like totally YUCK in the first trimester, but at least I will have a chance at eating it if he cooks it).

The day after we learned about my dad's diagnosis, Bill had a very busy day of surgery. He usually barely has time to eat lunch, let alone call me for anything. But this day, a day when I really needed him just to call and say hi and everything is going to be okay, he called me. He not only did that, but he told me he spent all kinds of time at the NIH websites looking at clinical trials and possible treatment options and promising, hopeful statistics. And then he told me everything would be okay. That I should get on a plane anytime dad needed me. That he would be able to take care of Lana, if I wanted to go alone, even if it meant he would take time off of work, just to stay home with her. That we would bag our vacation to Mexico if dad wanted us to come.

Its funny because when you get married, even before that--when you pick your mate--"the one" you assume or hope and pray that that this person will be there for you during the tough times in life, as well as the wonderful, joyful times. Bill has reminded me over and over why I picked the right one. He may leave his dirty socks in the dining room or his pants crumpled up on the floor, but really WHO CARES?? He has exceeded my expectations as a husband, time and time again.

Plus, he cooks.

Why I haven't been around: Part 2

Have you ever just been cruising through life thinking, "Wow, things are great. I am blessed. Happy, satisfied. All is well. Lucky me." And then, "Something bad is going to happen. I feel it." The day after I got my positive pregnancy test I actually said that out loud to Bill and he responded, "you are crazy."

Turns out I am not crazy.

My dad has just been diagnosed with Stage 3B adenocarcinoma--lung cancer. He had a low-grade fever, but no cold or other symptoms. They gave him a full workup and found the tumors in his lungs and the cancer in some lymph nodes, but no distant organs (thankfully). He had a CT scan about a year and a half ago and his lungs were all clear. That is how fast cancer can progress.

After our initial shock and denial and complete and utter FEAR, we have collectively decided to stay as positive as possible. My dad is going to fight. He is going to live. He has a lot of support through his friends, neighbors and family. Unfortunately, I am on the opposite side of the country, which feels like the opposite side of the world. I will visit whenever he needs me, with or without Lana in tow, depending on how he is feeling during treatment.

I am feeling so frustrated because of the distance. I want to help, be the best supportive daughter he could imagine. I want to DO something, but I don't know what to do. I try to stay off the internet, even away from the scientific journals, because sometimes too much information is not a good thing. So I call, I send ultrasounds of a dot (b/c that's all I have for now) and I am waiting to see how he does with chemo to plan a trip.

So anyway, this is why I have been away from blogging, but now that its out, I am sure there will be more to say in the upcoming months.

Say a prayer for him, if you do that sort of thing...

Why I haven't been around: Part 1

Things around here have been a little crazy lately. Big life events going on, some of which I want to talk about, some not so much, at least not at the moment. I keep thinking I can come on and blog about some silly story that happened during the day, but I always feel like I am writing about something I don't really want to be writing about because what I really feel like writing about I can't. So I held off long enough. Guess what? Lana is going to be a big sister!! YAY! We couldn't be happier. I am 9 weeks, so its still early--technically too early to tell, but half the world knows anyway because I cannot keep my big mouth shut. I thought about waiting till the magical 12 week mark, but I also figure that if something tragic should happen, I will want the support of my blogfriends, plus whether I tell now or in three weeks will not determine the outcome, so okay I spilled my secret. And we saw the heartbeat last week, so that is something.

These past few weeks have really surprised me. This pregnancy is so very different from when I was pregnant with Lana. In every way. With Lana, I was sick at 4 weeks and continued to be severely nauseous/dry heaving/metallic taste in mouth until 17 weeks. It was awful. I lost 10 pounds. I cried out of frustration every single day. I ate nothing but carbs--cereal, white potatoes, rice and broth, the friggen saltines. It was 24/7--I got up in the middle of the night eating some carb to keep me from dry heaving all over the place. This time however, I don't really feel nauseous that often. I get a little queasy in the evenings, especially if I don't snack enough, but I am eating. Real food. With protein. And it tastes good (except veggies--they taste funky). I am functioning well! I am actually taking prenatal vitamins! I am so so so relieved!! It really makes a huge difference in my attitude and daily life.

On the downside, I am way more tired this time. It could be that I am taking care of a toddler, but last time I was working a fairly demanding job. I think last time I wasn't as fatigued b/c I was so focused on not puking, I didn't have time to be tired.

Lana is as aware of the impending baby brother/sister as much as she can be at her age. Many of my friends are having their second, so we have been talking about their growing families for a while. She gives my belly kisses and tells her brother/sister to "knock it off" when I am feeling a little wonky. I think she will do well as a big sister as soon as the whole--my world is upside down--feeling passes. She loves to teach and show people things she knows, and she is pretty bossy too. My mom keeps telling me that Lana is going to freak out with the arrival of a new baby b/c she is so used to having our attention. But really, what older sibling doesn't have a hard time when the family expands? I know it will be a rough transition, but we will get through it and I think she will fall into her new role naturally.

Embarrassing moments--bodily functions edition and more

Lana has been embarrassing me lately. Her speech is so crystal clear that there is no denying what she is saying. And she is saying things in public. The other day at Qdoba we are ordering tacos at the counter and the woman working there asks "Black beans or pinto beans?". Lana blurts out, "No beans. Beans make mommy fart." I turn beet red and pretend I didn't hear her.

Then yesterday we are at a casual restaurant that has a table in the corner with some toys to occupy the kids. Mom, Bill and I are finishing up dinner and she goes over to the corner to check things out. All of a sudden she starts screaming bloody hell. I am thinking, she pinched her finger, cut herself, something dire! I run over there and she says so loud, "I NEED A DIAPER!!" She was wearing panties and a little tiny poo came out. Oh jeez. The whole restaurant is staring at me. I try to cover it up telling the other patrons, "She is fine. Everything is fine. Girls are all drama.." She proceeds to scream her head off in the bathroom while I deal with the tiny particle of poo and promptly put the Pull-Ups on. I walk out of the bathroom beet red again. As we were leaving and putting her coat on she says, "I fart, excuse me!" Thanks, great. We are never coming back.

This one happened at home, but if it happens in public I will just die! Mom, Lana and I are sitting on the sofa. Lana is watching Little Einsteins and Mom and I are reading the newspaper. All of a sudden, out of nowhere Lana says,, clear as day, "SON OF A BITCH!" My mom and I almost fell off the sofa. Lana and I had a long talk about bad words that grownups sometimes use and how she cannot say these words, etc. Bill secretly gave her a high five later. He is so proud. Terrific.

Then today we all went furniture shopping in Seattle. We went into this one store that was super modern--way too urban for our taste, but we were just browsing. There is a $2000 swivel round chair with an ottoman sitting in the front. Lana climbs on and starts turning the chair and says to the sales dude, "Just like in IKEA!" I am sure the guy working there really appreciated that one. It was kind of funny though. He laughed.

Ugh, this phase!

I don't know if I have winter doldrums or what, but Lana has been a wee bit more difficult in the past couple of weeks. She cycles between the sweetest child on the planet and total pain in the ass. Every morning within the first hour of the day I am analyzing her to see if we have Sweet Lana or Defiant Lana. The last couple of days she has been just adorably sweet. She has been saying "please" and asking things in a nice voice. She even thanks me for cooking dinner every night when we sit down to eat. Kisses and hugs--oh its just the BEST. She tells fantastic stories and uses a napkin to wipe her hands and face declaring, "I am a big girl Mommy!"

But then...Oh boy, look out. Defiant Lana spends half the day in time out. She hits, she bites, she throws her toys or worse--rips a book!!! Where did this hell-child come from? She demands and defies. I say "Put on your pants please" and she pitches a fit, declaring that she will be naked all day long. I have to threaten punishment just to get some simple request fulfilled. "If you don't put away your Play-Doh, I will take away Candy Land and put it in the closet and you won't get to play with it until tomorrow!" I hate being so mean, but geez, just follow the rules and we will be all set! I struggle to find my inner patience and I see my mom looking at me like I am the worst type of parent that cannot control their child. (okay, in all fairness she is not judging me, but I am projecting that one onto myself).

I wake up every morning hoping for Sweet Lana, but if Defiant Lana shows up, I guess I just have to take a deep breath and hope for a long nap.