Why I haven't been around: Part 2

Have you ever just been cruising through life thinking, "Wow, things are great. I am blessed. Happy, satisfied. All is well. Lucky me." And then, "Something bad is going to happen. I feel it." The day after I got my positive pregnancy test I actually said that out loud to Bill and he responded, "you are crazy."

Turns out I am not crazy.

My dad has just been diagnosed with Stage 3B adenocarcinoma--lung cancer. He had a low-grade fever, but no cold or other symptoms. They gave him a full workup and found the tumors in his lungs and the cancer in some lymph nodes, but no distant organs (thankfully). He had a CT scan about a year and a half ago and his lungs were all clear. That is how fast cancer can progress.

After our initial shock and denial and complete and utter FEAR, we have collectively decided to stay as positive as possible. My dad is going to fight. He is going to live. He has a lot of support through his friends, neighbors and family. Unfortunately, I am on the opposite side of the country, which feels like the opposite side of the world. I will visit whenever he needs me, with or without Lana in tow, depending on how he is feeling during treatment.

I am feeling so frustrated because of the distance. I want to help, be the best supportive daughter he could imagine. I want to DO something, but I don't know what to do. I try to stay off the internet, even away from the scientific journals, because sometimes too much information is not a good thing. So I call, I send ultrasounds of a dot (b/c that's all I have for now) and I am waiting to see how he does with chemo to plan a trip.

So anyway, this is why I have been away from blogging, but now that its out, I am sure there will be more to say in the upcoming months.

Say a prayer for him, if you do that sort of thing...

Why I haven't been around: Part 1

Things around here have been a little crazy lately. Big life events going on, some of which I want to talk about, some not so much, at least not at the moment. I keep thinking I can come on and blog about some silly story that happened during the day, but I always feel like I am writing about something I don't really want to be writing about because what I really feel like writing about I can't. So I held off long enough. Guess what? Lana is going to be a big sister!! YAY! We couldn't be happier. I am 9 weeks, so its still early--technically too early to tell, but half the world knows anyway because I cannot keep my big mouth shut. I thought about waiting till the magical 12 week mark, but I also figure that if something tragic should happen, I will want the support of my blogfriends, plus whether I tell now or in three weeks will not determine the outcome, so okay I spilled my secret. And we saw the heartbeat last week, so that is something.

These past few weeks have really surprised me. This pregnancy is so very different from when I was pregnant with Lana. In every way. With Lana, I was sick at 4 weeks and continued to be severely nauseous/dry heaving/metallic taste in mouth until 17 weeks. It was awful. I lost 10 pounds. I cried out of frustration every single day. I ate nothing but carbs--cereal, white potatoes, rice and broth, the friggen saltines. It was 24/7--I got up in the middle of the night eating some carb to keep me from dry heaving all over the place. This time however, I don't really feel nauseous that often. I get a little queasy in the evenings, especially if I don't snack enough, but I am eating. Real food. With protein. And it tastes good (except veggies--they taste funky). I am functioning well! I am actually taking prenatal vitamins! I am so so so relieved!! It really makes a huge difference in my attitude and daily life.

On the downside, I am way more tired this time. It could be that I am taking care of a toddler, but last time I was working a fairly demanding job. I think last time I wasn't as fatigued b/c I was so focused on not puking, I didn't have time to be tired.

Lana is as aware of the impending baby brother/sister as much as she can be at her age. Many of my friends are having their second, so we have been talking about their growing families for a while. She gives my belly kisses and tells her brother/sister to "knock it off" when I am feeling a little wonky. I think she will do well as a big sister as soon as the whole--my world is upside down--feeling passes. She loves to teach and show people things she knows, and she is pretty bossy too. My mom keeps telling me that Lana is going to freak out with the arrival of a new baby b/c she is so used to having our attention. But really, what older sibling doesn't have a hard time when the family expands? I know it will be a rough transition, but we will get through it and I think she will fall into her new role naturally.

Embarrassing moments--bodily functions edition and more

Lana has been embarrassing me lately. Her speech is so crystal clear that there is no denying what she is saying. And she is saying things in public. The other day at Qdoba we are ordering tacos at the counter and the woman working there asks "Black beans or pinto beans?". Lana blurts out, "No beans. Beans make mommy fart." I turn beet red and pretend I didn't hear her.

Then yesterday we are at a casual restaurant that has a table in the corner with some toys to occupy the kids. Mom, Bill and I are finishing up dinner and she goes over to the corner to check things out. All of a sudden she starts screaming bloody hell. I am thinking, she pinched her finger, cut herself, something dire! I run over there and she says so loud, "I NEED A DIAPER!!" She was wearing panties and a little tiny poo came out. Oh jeez. The whole restaurant is staring at me. I try to cover it up telling the other patrons, "She is fine. Everything is fine. Girls are all drama.." She proceeds to scream her head off in the bathroom while I deal with the tiny particle of poo and promptly put the Pull-Ups on. I walk out of the bathroom beet red again. As we were leaving and putting her coat on she says, "I fart, excuse me!" Thanks, great. We are never coming back.

This one happened at home, but if it happens in public I will just die! Mom, Lana and I are sitting on the sofa. Lana is watching Little Einsteins and Mom and I are reading the newspaper. All of a sudden, out of nowhere Lana says,, clear as day, "SON OF A BITCH!" My mom and I almost fell off the sofa. Lana and I had a long talk about bad words that grownups sometimes use and how she cannot say these words, etc. Bill secretly gave her a high five later. He is so proud. Terrific.

Then today we all went furniture shopping in Seattle. We went into this one store that was super modern--way too urban for our taste, but we were just browsing. There is a $2000 swivel round chair with an ottoman sitting in the front. Lana climbs on and starts turning the chair and says to the sales dude, "Just like in IKEA!" I am sure the guy working there really appreciated that one. It was kind of funny though. He laughed.

Ugh, this phase!

I don't know if I have winter doldrums or what, but Lana has been a wee bit more difficult in the past couple of weeks. She cycles between the sweetest child on the planet and total pain in the ass. Every morning within the first hour of the day I am analyzing her to see if we have Sweet Lana or Defiant Lana. The last couple of days she has been just adorably sweet. She has been saying "please" and asking things in a nice voice. She even thanks me for cooking dinner every night when we sit down to eat. Kisses and hugs--oh its just the BEST. She tells fantastic stories and uses a napkin to wipe her hands and face declaring, "I am a big girl Mommy!"

But then...Oh boy, look out. Defiant Lana spends half the day in time out. She hits, she bites, she throws her toys or worse--rips a book!!! Where did this hell-child come from? She demands and defies. I say "Put on your pants please" and she pitches a fit, declaring that she will be naked all day long. I have to threaten punishment just to get some simple request fulfilled. "If you don't put away your Play-Doh, I will take away Candy Land and put it in the closet and you won't get to play with it until tomorrow!" I hate being so mean, but geez, just follow the rules and we will be all set! I struggle to find my inner patience and I see my mom looking at me like I am the worst type of parent that cannot control their child. (okay, in all fairness she is not judging me, but I am projecting that one onto myself).

I wake up every morning hoping for Sweet Lana, but if Defiant Lana shows up, I guess I just have to take a deep breath and hope for a long nap.

Playing Catch Up

We had a huge snowstorm. In December. Before Christmas. Okay I am a bit late in blogging about our epic snowstorm and it has all melted and we have our typical rainy winter now, but since half the country is still being pummeled by snow, and its not May or anything, I figured I could still post some pics of Lana's very first snowman! Just one week after my mom moved here to the Pacific NW, we got snow--a LOT of snow. It was ridiculous. Nobody here even owns snow shovels. All the Home Depots/Lowes were sold out, so everyone was shoveling with their garden shovels (or in desperate cases, their children's sand shovels--I saw this more than once). There were no plows to cover the side streets. We got stuck several times. I shoveled every single day for 2 weeks. We played in the snow, went sledding and built a snow man.

Here is Lana hugging Mr. Snowman:

It took her at least a week to figure out that she could eat snow:
More love for Mr. Snowman:
We have great memories of our first big snowstorm, but what I am leaving out is the sheer frustration we all felt about being house-bound for 2 weeks. Ugh! We were going crazy- kukoo. Plus, it was days before Christmas and I hadn't finished my shopping. We finally braved the ice and snow to get to the mall to finish up, but we were literally ice skating in the parking lot. In a city that is not prepared for snow, it was not easy to get around and live. But playing in the snow and the smell and sound of a fresh snowfall was nostalgic for me and certainly festive.

Florida

We just got back from a week-long vacation to Florida to visit my grandparents. When I say "we" I mean myself, Lana and my mom. A girls trip! Lana did SO well with the travel yet again and I couldn't be more thankful because flying from Seattle to Tampa is a long day even for adults. It was wonderful to spend time with my grandparents. I grew up with them living around the corner, so we remain very close. I am so grateful that Lana will have the same opportunities with her grandparents (except for Grandpa Dennis, my father, who lives in VA, sniff sniff...). I am also very grateful that Lana has spent some time with her great-grandparents. She brought so much joy to their faces and they enjoyed spending time together. They were so surprised at how much she talks--constantly talking or making some noise (usually something annoying like blah, blah, blah, blah) and I have realized that my next big lesson for Lana is to teach her to be quiet when someone else is speaking until its her turn to speak.

For all of you thinking, ooh, Florida, how nice and warm--think again. I (or maybe its my mom?) have the worst weather karma of anyone on the planet. The day we arrived, it was "unseasonably cold" and remained that way until the day we left. Weather should be right back in the normal range by now. It was in the upper 50s, low 60s, so we could be outside, but not in the pool (tragically) and it was deemed FRIGID and UNBEARABLE by my grandparents (who have clearly forgotten the true meaning of these words during their whole life in Buffalo, NY), so we didn't spend much time outside. One day we did manage to make it to the beach. Here are the pics...

Lana so happy with a shovel and some sand:My grandparents--look how bundled they are!

Grandma Dianne and Lana

Happy New Year

It seems I am a week late on every post. Our New Years celebration was less than spectacular b/c on New Year's Eve Lana woke up screaming and swallowing rapidly (I think she was about to puke, but was swallowing it back? Ew, to that). I got a bucket, just in case, but she didn't give it up. There was another identical episode a half hour later and then she went back to sleep and woke up with a fever. It was a miserable day trying to keep her fever down, get fluids in and a miserable girl less miserable. I don't do well when she is ill. I do not have a nurse-like bedside manner. I just feel sorry for her and helpless. 24h later she was better, but New Year's Day was a total bust. Then after the fever, she didn't have an appetite, refused to drink fluids and got constipated as a result. After 4 days with no poop, we gave her a suppository, which totally traumatized her, but had its desired effect, thankfully. Parenting can be gross.

I do have some New Years resolutions this year. Usually, I don't bother, but there are some things I would like to change:

1) Make exercise a part of my life. I have no real goal other than that. I don't want to lose weight or get rock hard abs or any of that. I just want to be more heart-healthy and hopefully it will keep my anxiety and/or IBS at bay. We just bought an elliptical, so I am hoping to squeeze in a 30 min workout during Lana's nap a couple times a week. Wish me luck, I have made resolutions like this all my adult life and have never made it past a couple of weeks.

2) Date night more regularly! Bill and I have very little time together and we only have one child! This is ridiculous and has to change. One reason is that Lana goes to bed so late. The other is that Bill's job is demanding and sometimes he has stuff to do after he comes home, or he is just freakin tired after a 12 h day, understandably. We have had my inlaws in town for a year, but they rarely take Lana overnight or even in the evening, since they watch her one day a week for me already. Now that my mom is with us, she has offered to watch Lana one evening a week, while Bill and I enjoy a meal on the outside. Thanks mom!

3) I need more patience. I resolve to take a deep breath instead of flying off the handle at every little thing. Enough said b/c sometimes the way I act is downright embarrassing.

To all my faraway friends who read this blog and to all my blogfriends, I wish you a very happy and healthy 2009. I hope you enjoyed this holiday season and best wishes to you all in the new year!