What's Inside?

I made the mistake of giving Lana a Tootsie Pop as a reward once. She was shocked and amazed to find chocolate in the center of the "lick" as she calls all lollipops. Ever since she drives me bonkers asking me "What's inside?" of everything and I mean everything.

She points to a banana--"ma, what's inside?"
Me: "inside what?"
Lana: "banana"
Me: just more banana

Name an object, she has asked me what's inside. I think she is just waiting for the day when I respond--chocolate!!!! Imagine a world where you thought chocolate might be hiding inside everyday items?

My girl

Lana is growing up so fast. It seems like just yesterday I was the frazzled new mom with the infant who cried incessantly and LOUD. I would look at the clock and count down how many hours till Bill would walk in the door and I could hand over the screamer so I could make dinner. I got very little feedback from her that she even liked me a little. Oh, how I wish I had a blog then, it would have been so great to capture the moment and therapeutic for me too. Well, times have certainly changed! Lana has become sort of like my little friend. Much like Desi described her little buddy. Lana has become so physically affectionate with big hugs and many kisses and cuddles, but verbally sweet too--"Mama, I love youuuu!" She holds my hand without too much protest most of the time, well, sometimes. So I am finally getting that feedback I desperately wished for many months ago.

We hang out. We watch tv--her tv, not mine and only in the morning before I have made my coffee. We listen to music--children's music of course. She thinks I have crappy taste in music, understandably. We dance and act silly. People who know me IRL know that I despise dancing. I didn't even have dancing at my wedding and I was never into going to clubs for shaking my butt, despite having many friends who tried to drag me onto the dance floor. There is nothing like a 2 year old to make you let go of your inhibitions and just get crazy silly--even in public. I dance, I run, I make silly faces, I sing. I will do anything for that laugh--that wonderful belly laugh that is so contagious--I dare you not to smile if you heard it. We shop--grocery of course and Target mostly where we hang out in the shoe section trying on shoes she will never wear for more than 5 minutes. We also love the pet store (cheaper and closer than the zoo), the bookstore, Toys R Us of course. My only wish is that she would not wander (I mean run) away from me so often--but we are working on that. In fact, if I have any actual purchasing to do, I will not bring Lana b/c she is too difficult to look after unless she is in a shopping cart. Once Bill and I lost her in TRU for a good 5 min and it was seriously one of the scariest things ever. We scolded her and she cried and then we felt bad and hugged her.

One of the biggest changes I have noticed recently is when we go out to eat she sits on a chair next to me and just eats. I don't have to restrain her in a highchair, entertain her with crayons, or tell her over and over to sit and eat and no you are not getting up. As long as she is hungry, she just sits and eats like such a big girl. I love it, it actually makes me feel proud and it is so much more relaxing than before. I ask her if she wants to go out for a ladies lunch and she says, "Lana want to go outin eat!" Then in the car, "Fank you Mommy for takin Lana to refurant". Aww!

Sometimes I feel bad for Bill b/c Lana and I spend so much time together just hangin that I feel like we have a special bond that he just doesn't have with her. Sounds bad, huh? But its true. I often translate what she is saying when he doesn't understand. I explain inside jokes or something new and funny. I tell him about all the silly things we do and things she said and I feel bad for him. I mean, someone has to bring home the bacon and I am happy he brings home enough that I don't have to if I don't want to, but I can tell he feels sad inside that she prefers me and wants me for comfort and basically all of the routine stuff. It reminds me of having a close girlfriend that you have to explain to an outsider all of your inside stuff. I don't want Bill to be an outsider though!! That's horrible! I have made a huge effort to disappear when he is home or I make them take a walk together, just the 2 of them so that he can get the one-on-one time I get all day long. I notice she misses him more on Mondays after they spend so much time together over the weekend.

I just love my sweet girl and I love that we can do all sorts of fun stuff together. I will always always remember these times. Its so fun to have a mini girlfriend to hang with and I almost never look at the clock to countdown how many hours till Bill comes home so I can get a break and take a breather. Whew, I don't miss that at all!

Ya know what sucks?

When your acupuncturist forgets about you and you have like 20 needles in your head, chest, tummy, legs, arms and can't move. Yeah, that's right--he forgot to come back after the 30 min timer went off and I lay there motionless for more than 1h having to pee like a racehorse. I yelled, I banged my arm on the wall behind me...still nothing. I ended up taking all the needles out myself and running to the bathroom before I peed my pants. Today's session was not therapeutic.

Once in a while

Once in a while I actually miss my job. Not often, quite honestly. 98% of the time, I feel like I did my thing as a scientist, was fairly good at it, but now is a different phase of my life and I am beyond content about it. Becoming a mom has changed me to the core and this is what I want to be doing in my heart and soul--besides, I did the whole working long hours thing and let me tell you, its overrated--even if kids are not in the equation and especially if your husband works long hours too. But once in a while, I feel a tad wistful about my career. I read this article on Yahoo and ooh I wish I still had access to scientific journals to read the nitty gritty of the studies. I think its pretty awesome, but I am a nerd that way. Then I caught the last 45 min of Randy Pauch's Last Lecture on PBS, which is not only inspiring in general, but also reminded me of the idealism and sense of discovering new frontiers in academia, along with having great mentors for inspiration. It totally totally sucks that this world lost this wonderful mind and man. Then I got an email from one of the grad students in my postdoc lab and he graduated, which reminded me of the relief and sense of accomplishment I felt when I graduated.

Ah, but then after these wistful feelings, I woke up and smelled the reality. While science is an exciting field, in theory, the reality of it is a bit different and disappointing. Like in my last job, my boss was a total wack job who always could surprise me with how freakin insensitive and just plain bizzare she could be. You people in the real world would just faint at some of the stuff that happens in the ivory tower--can you say lawsuit?
My day would go something like this:

• Wander into lab--turn on computer, check email.
• Get results from yesterday's experiment--curse b/c it didn't work AGAIN.
• Start next one--as one of my fellow grad students once described it, our job is all about sticking shit in tubes, pressing a button and waiting and waiting.
• Check email for the 100th time--oh wait, its only 10am.
• Have bizzare conversation with boss--in the ladies room through the stall, while peeing--pray she zips up her pants before she comes out.
• Go to a meeting or seminar--zone out and plan grocery list in head. Observe strange famous scientist scratch his back and sniff his fingers after--I SWEAR its a true story.
• Check experiment--shit didn't work again.
• Start next one--more shit in tubes, start timer.
• Check email and babycenter AGAIN.
  

Okay, you get the idea--not exactly what I pictured when I signed up. I would much rather be spending the day dancing/running/playing with Lana.

Anyway, I suppose in a weird way my career always gave me a lot of self confidence as a woman and now that I don't have it anymore, sometimes I feel a little lost. Besides, this whole mom thing does not give me confidence--I question everything I do, well less now than when Lana was a baby, but still--carrying a tantruming 2 year old out of a public place definitely does not make you feel like you totally have it together.But I suppose its all part of the process of parenting and with time and experience you get more confident, just like anything else. I just hope I am doing it right.

This weekend

We had such a great day today! Bill had to work until about 10am and then we went blueberry picking. We go fruit picking every chance we get, since Bill loves fruit and Lana is truly obsessed. This was the third blueberry farm we tried and it was by far the best. Even late in the season, there were lots of big, sweet berries. Lana's method of picking is tree to mouth--forget the bucket. Then when she gets lazy she just sits down next to the bucket and eats them like she is eating a bucket of popcorn. The first few times we went I thought to myself that she ate WAY too many and she was sure to get a tummy ache. But all was well and her only side effect was blue poop the next day, so now I just let her eat all she wants--there are worse things. After we picked 7 lbs of blueberries, we headed to the Mukilteo Lighthouse Festival while Lana caught a nap in the car. The festival is nothing terrific, but is perfect for a sunny afternoon with a 2 year old. We ate fish tacos and got ice cream. Lana went in the Jumpy Thing (or whatever that is called) and made crafts. Then we went to the park with a brand new playground which is right next to the beach. We played, threw rocks in the ocean, pet everyone's doggies and just had a great relaxing day. It was the perfect day.

Yesterday was pretty fun too--we went to a birthday party at the YMCA--swimming and playing in the adventure zone! Plus cupcakes, balloons and lots of take home goodies--what is not to love about that!??! I am always so impressed with the creativity of the moms and all the work that goes into throwing a kids b-day party. It was a great party and Lana had so much fun she was asleep before I even backed out of the parking lot!

So all in all it was a nice weekend. Next weekend Bill is on call again, so those weekends are never relaxing, even if its quiet. Then just one more week until our BIG vacation to Oahu!!! I cannot wait! Poor Bill needs a vacation bad--he is a little burned out. In the past I would not be excited about traveling with Lana, but now that she is such a big girl I really feel like we can go anywhere with her. It won't be perfect, but I am hoping the painful days of the screaming child are behind us--ah, I probably just jinxed myself. I hope not!

Did I hear that correctly?

So we are watching this thing on TV about cancer via the local channel and they are talking about the first patient who received Gardasil (the cervical cancer vaccine--which is an amazing scientific innovation in my opinion) here in town. Its NOT covered by insurance and you have to pay $300. WHAT???????? Wait a minute--Viagra is covered by insurance yet a vaccine to PREVENT CANCER IN WOMEN isn't? How messed up is that? That just makes me mad.

That pretzel is how much?

I love a deal. I am a bargain hunter, although not the crazy kind that gets a whole basket worth $100 for $1.39 after coupons and discounts. Those people deserve a degree or medal or something--I am not that good. I never buy anything full retail. Its got to be on sale and at least feel like a value. For example, a $200 purse marked down to $100 is a deal to some people, but not to me b/c I am not a bag person and I would never EVER spend $100 on a purse that will likely have cheerios, goldfish and some sticky-used-to-be-a-fruitsnack-substance pooled in the bottom of it. For items for myself I am kind of cheap--I generally don't spend more than $15 on a top or $30 for pants and never more than $30 for shoes, unless they are boots or something really special. Of course, I am a stay at home mom, so I don't need fancy clothes and even when I worked, I was in a lab with yucky chemicals, lab animals and God knows what else, so I never dressed up there either. Probably the last time I had nice-ish clothes was when I was in grad school and I cared what other people (i.e. boys) thought of my appearance. Sad, but true. My wardrobe is kind of boring, but functional and once in a while I try to branch out and do something somewhat stylish as long as I don't have to iron it and its within my spending constraints. Oh and clothes for Bill--he is happy with what he has--seriously--he still has (and wears) clothing from 1995. Thank goodness for Christmas and his birthday and all of our friends and relatives that give him little updates to his wardrobe.

That said, when it comes to Lana's clothes/shoes, I need a 12 step program. Its crazy how many cute things are out there for girls. Its crazy how little self control I have. Don't get me wrong, I do buy the $3.99 tops at Target with the cute matching leggings at the same price. I buy things for her at the consignment store. I do bargain hunt. But, the problem is that there is an outlet mall 10 min from my house with your standard Gap, Gymbo, Carters, Osh Kosh and Children's Place. Deals everywhere, so tempting.... I try to never go unless I have to buy a gift for someone or if I have a crazy good coupon. But still, I probably spend too much money there. Today I went to a real (non-outlet) mall for the Baby Sale at Gymboree. Oh geez. I tried to avoid Gymboree in general until about a year ago b/c I felt like its just too expensive for what it is. But, I have come to love how all the clothes coordinate and I can mix and match, plus they offer more variety than just pink b/c seriously people how much pink can a girl own? Oh, I know there are way fancier stores and wayyyyyy more expensive clothes for kids out there, but for me, I need to draw the line and those Target clothes are very cute and functional. Well, today at the Baby Sale, those bastards got me. I spent $130 (OMG!!!) on fall clothes for Lana. But I had a 20% off coupon and I got Gymbucks so that I can go back next month and spend another whole pile of money on clothes for a kid who likes to be naked. But winter is coming and it will be too cold to be naked, at least outside. I better stop rationalizing my guilt now.

Oh and does anyone else find it APPALLING that those pretzel places charge $3.05 for one pretzel? Holy mackerel--that better be one friggen fantastic pretzel!