Did I forget my underwear?

Today I woke up at 4:45am and headed to the airport for my first solo trip back east. I am visiting my dad in VA and I decided that I am too pregnant to take Lana with me with all the gear it requires, especially in the summer heat. I don't know if I just did not get enough sleep last night or what, but I seriously feel STRANGE!!!! Like I left something important at home, like my underwear or my watch. I know what it is that I forgot to bring with me--my daughter! Okay, I didn't forget, but it feels so weird to be without her. Will it always feel like I have lost an appendage when one of my kids isn't with me or is this just a passing phase, something I am not used to that I will eventually grow out of? Maybe I am just being pregnant and all attach-y to my offspring or something. All I know is its weird and every time I saw a toddler with chubby cheeks today I fought back tears.

When I was pregnant with Lana, my friend Stacey (Hi if you are reading) had a conference in San Diego and we met up for dinner. When I picked her up at her hotel, she got in the car and told me it was the first night she ever spent without her girls (she had 2 young daughters at the time, now she has 3, but you can all about that on her blog) and her eyes welled up with tears. I remember thinking, "Aw! That is so sweet!" but truly, I could not relate to it at all b/c when Lana was in my tummy she was such an abstract idea to me. Today as I looked at every other cute kid on the planet, I thought about that moment with Stacey, how it was not so much sweet, but that it was hard for her--its much harder than it looks to be away from your babies, even if you know they are in the loving hands of your husband and grandparents.

My travel was pretty cramped, especially b/c I had a larger woman sitting next to me, encroaching on my seat, our butts touching (ew) and then the dude in front of me reclined and the dude in back of me kept shoving his knees into my seat back. Why oh why are these seats so small?? I am only 5'3" and like 130 lbs at 6 months pregnant and I felt like a sardine in there today. At least I was reading an entertaining book. I would love to say it was all liberating and such to have quiet time to read and doze off and drink 3 cans of ginger ale, without having to answer a million questions and promise chicken mc nuggets, implore her not to lick the window and pick crayons up off the floor. But it didn't feel liberating, I felt like I was missing something.

Seeing my dad is wonderful of course, yet difficult in some ways too. He looks more frail than the last time I saw him, but this is to be expected, seeing he has done like 5 or 6 rounds of chemo with no break. The tumors are decreasing in size and his doctors are pleased, so that is encouraging news, but the side effects have been pretty gnarly. He is losing the acuity of his vision, he cannot feel his feet which makes it difficult for him to walk without a cane. Both of these symptoms mean he should not drive, which renders him pretty useless in his opinion. I tell him to treat it like a pregnancy (which is a dumb thing to tell a man)--you feel a little goofy and useless for a while, with strange symptoms and all that crap, but when its over you will bounce back to your normal self. It is nice, refreshing and liberating though to sit on the sofa and chat without interruption. Of course most of this conversation revolves around that little interrupting person.

Even though I have called home at least 5 times so far to check on my little sidekick, I will try to decompress and enjoy my visit with my dad. I wish I could see him more often and I wish I could help him more. I know Lana is fine. She is a big girl after all. Its me that is having the most trouble--silly mommy.