Tomorrow morning I am leaving my Dad's and going back home. Its always hard to say goodbye, but its been harder in the last few months, for obvious reasons (b/c he is sick). Even when I went off to college, which I was oh so excited to do, I always cried when I hugged my parents at the airport and said goodbye. I am sure tomorrow will be no exception. The next time I see my Dad, the new baby will be here! Wow! I hope this gives him something to look forward to, even though it will probably be six months from now until I feel brave enough to put myself and two kids on a plane for a cross-country journey. Hopefully Bill will come too and I will have that extra pair of hands. My other hope is that my Dad will be done with (or at least on a break from) chemo and that he will have some strength and joy again. It is kind of a strange thing to see your parent age like 30 years in about 3 months--at least that's what it seems like to me. I really feel bad for him that he feels like such crap day after day, but I keep reminding him that its temporary. The thing is, with cancer, the truth is nobody really knows what tomorrow may bring. We all hope and pray for the best b/c what choice do we have but to be optimistic? But its scary. I know he is scared and so are his family and friends. So far with his treatment the news has been good, but if you look at statistics for lung cancer, well don't--its not encouraging.
Ever since his diagnosis all I want to do is SOMETHING. I can't be here everyday or every month. I can't cure cancer, although this is what all naiive college students who embark on a career in biomedical science really want to do. I can't make him feel better with a pint of Ben and Jerrys. I can't do anything, except call and skype and get on a plane when he asks me to come. Its so damn frustrating and scary.
On a side note, Lana seemed to do fine without me, which is GREAT! She is growing up and I am proud of her. We did skype a lot and she kissed the computer screen, which I am sure needs a thorough cleaning now. Bill, Grandma and my inlaws did an awesome job keeping her busy and happy. It means a lot to me that I could come and see my Dad with so much support back home. I am so so so looking forward to seeing Lana at the airport and getting my snuggles I so dearly missed.
Say a prayer for my Dad if you can. I really appreciate it.
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4 comments:
Oh Julie, I am so sorry. Part of my funk (okay most of my funk) lately has been bc of my grandfather. And I have been asked specifically not to blog about it, bc my grandma reads my blog every morning. (side note: how cool is it that my 75 year old grandma reads my blog)
Anyway he is at the end, and it has been a long tough road. Our visit last weekend was terrible as he has no quality of life, and it is hard to think about my grandma losing her partner after 56 years together. Yesterday they made the decision to put him into hospice and do not expect him to make it to the end of the month.
I know I should be thankful to even have grandparents still around, but this will be the third grandparent I lose as an adult and the third one I lose to lung cancer. And my other grandmother passed away while I was pregnant with the boys so all those emotions I did not have the leisure to feel are coming out.
Crap, this is your blog. This is not supposed to be MY dumping place!! Anyway I just wanted to let you know I am praying bc I truly know how much cancer sucks and it is truly affecting my life right now.
Yeah, cancer does suck. Big {{{HUGS}}}.
Hey Julie,
I am so glad that you were able to visit your dad, to be 'present' with him while your hubby and in-laws took care of the home team! And crying during goodbyes is always my M.O. When one is sick, so much harder!
My husband, sam's mom went through chemo last year. It was so hard to see her as 'sick'. There is something so challenging about loosing ones hair and aging, like you said, before your eyes. She came out from it a completely new person- full of life. But it DOES suck. It is such a hard fight. But she has told me that watching our little ones grow really encouraged her. I can't imagine that your dad would feel differently. I'm sure your visit meant a lot to your dad. I'll be thinking of you. Hard stuff, really hard stuff!
Hope you made it home okay. And glad to hear that Lana did so well without you. Cancer absolutely sucks, and I know the feeling of shock and sadness at seeing such dramatic changes in your father after not seeing him for awhile. It's a tough fight, but my thoughts are with him and with you. I'll look forward to your blog post after he visits you guys in Washington!
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