How did I get here?

When I was a little girl, I don't recall ever saying I am going to be a mommy when I grow up. I loved dolls, Barbies though, not necessarily baby dolls. When I was in college, I never thought I would have kids--I was so focused on my career and I just couldn't see myself as a mom. So how did I get here you ask? Well, I got a degree in biology although I had many interests like religion and art history. I started out pre-med, but then I figured out that I don't like to touch people, plus the whole vomit phobia thing, so that was out. I got an internship in a research lab studying schizophrenia and I was HOOKED! I loved it, I felt like it was my passion, I couldn't wait to learn more and understand so much that was so far over my head. I got into Northwestern's PhD program in biomedical science and it was the best thing that ever happened to me, both professionally and personally.

Living in Chicago was fun, really fun (except for the weather, right Laura?) and it was where I met my best friend who is like the sister I never had and it was where I met my dear Bill at a time when the last thing I needed or wanted was a new boyfriend. My best friend and I worked in the same lab studying osteoporosis (me) and prostate cancer metastasis to bone (my BFF) and we struggled and laughed our way through school. It was such a special time, we both knew it and we appreciated the bond we had (and still have). I still miss our Friday night ritual of sushi and shopping and going to her mom's house for relaxation and the best homemade Indian food in the whole fricken world.

I met Bill also through school--he was a med student who did some research in our lab. He was my first date after I ended a long relationship and I was still in that sad place. We went on one date and it was instant and intense. We were together every day ever since and I have been in a happy place ever since. It was only at this time when I could actually envision having kids. But just 6 months after we started dating, Bill graduated med school and matched for his residency in San Diego. I still had about 2 years left in my program, so we did the long distance thing. Once I graduated, I moved to San Diego and did a postdoctoral fellowship at UCSD.

We loved living in San Diego, but professionally I was becoming a bit disillusioned. My work was interesting, but not fascinating. The reality of a career in science was becoming more disappointing. When I started my PhD program, biotech was booming--there were jobs everywhere. But when I finished, things had changed. The field was becoming more saturated and it was hard to get a job at a biotech company or pharmaceutical company. If you wanted to stay in academics, it was even more bleak. Possible, yes, but you have to work your ass off and the stress level is nuts. I just felt like the reality of this career did not match my expectations. This, coupled with our desire to start a family and that I knew that even if I continued being a postdoc (which is a pretty crappy position, I might add), there would always be grant deadlines and papers to write at home, after hours. There would always be experiments that would require me to work weekends or come in at 9pm. I just could not see having kids and maintaining this lifestyle. People do it--moms do it and they do it well and I admire the hell out of them. One of my dear friends had her first baby when she was just a PhD student and she went on to have another and she did this all while being a great scientist. I just knew I didn't want to. Luckily we were in a financial position that allowed me to stop working once Lana came. I know that some of my fellow scientists probably feel disappointed in me, but I just feel that this is the right decision for me at this point.

So I guess that is the short version of how I became a stay at home mom. Kind of depressing, huh? Well, the way I see it is that I had a dream to be a scientist--I accomplished it successfully. I published a bunch of papers, made my contribution, however tiny in the grand scheme of things. But still. I see myself going back to work at some point, but not as a scientist. I haven't figured out that part yet. The funny thing is, I really love staying home with Lana. I never thought I had it in me, but I feel like I have a great life. I am not sure what the future holds and I am totally totally okay with that.

In a fantasy world, I would love to do something food related. Like write a cookbook, be a food critic (but only if I lived in a big city--being a food critic in suburbia would be torture). I saw that show Ace of Cakes the other night and it looked super cool and I don't even bake!

Well, that was a novel, but thanks to my mommy blogger friends who posed a great question of the week...this is my story of what I want to be when I grow up. Who would have ever thought that I grow up to be a mommy? Not me! Who knows what's coming next...