The preschool graduation that wasn't

Yesterday was Lana's preschool graduation ceremony. Its funny b/c she only started preschool at the end of April as a sort of practice for next fall, which will coincide with little sister being born, which is why we started her this spring. Anyway, she is not really graduating from anything since she will be in the same class in the fall, but whatever. On a side note, Bill thinks this whole preschool graduation thingy is a bit over the top. He insists the only graduations worth celebrating formally are high school, college and beyond. I told him to suck it up, this is the first of many and things are done differently than when we old people were kids. Funny thing is, a few weeks ago I was driving around town and someone wrote on their rear window on their car --"Congratulations on your Preschool Graduation 2009! Way to GO!" Okay, that is a bit much.

So in preparation for the ceremony, Lana told me all about the songs they would be singing and how we had to wear red, white and blue and I even painted her nails red to be festive. She kept asking me if she was going to sit or stand. I told her she would be on stage. She said, "No Mommy, I want to sit with you." So I had a hint that this would not go well.

Bill and my mom fly out of work to make it on time and when we get there, she would not let go of my hand. She started to cry hysterically because she didn't want me to leave. All the other kids just looked at her like, "What is your problem?" I tried to convince her to go with her class, but no deal. Disappointed, we walked into the seating area and sat down while the rest of her class participated. And it was CUTE! The singing, the walking across the stage--so cute.

Now I know that this is really no biggie. She will do it (or not) next year and either way its fine. Its freakin preschool graduation after all. The way it all worked out last night was not a surprise, not against her normal character and behavior--this is just her. She does not follow the crowd. She is stubborn and once she gets a decision in her head, changing her opinion is like changing the rotation of the earth. Okay fine.

That said, I still felt a little sad watching her whole class participate, feeling so proud and independent, yet Lana was just sitting next to me asking me a bunch of questions like, "Mommy, why don't I get a star? Where is my flag?" I felt annoyed having to say over and over--"if you want to go on stage, you can get yours too, I will be right here. You have to participate to get the star and flag." When it was nearly finished she said she wanted to do it, but it was too late. Just as we were leaving, her teacher gave her the star and flag anyway, which totally did not teach her anything at all. So then, annoyed still I spent the car ride home explaining the difference between a reward out of pity versus a reward you earn. Then I felt bad for being disappointed and annoyed because really it is JUST preschool!! I reminded myself that all the children in her class are a whole year older than she is and while she is fine with them intellectually, her maturity is a whole year behind and it should be! It is hard for overachiever personalities to become parents b/c I never want to pressure her in a negative way, I want to facilitate and allow her to be who she is even if its not who I am or want her to be. Maybe part of why I felt down about her lack of participation is because in just a few short weeks, she has really benefited from attending school--she loves it, she loves her teachers and her social skills have blossomed. I can really see big changes from her and I wanted her to feel proud last night, not frightened.

I was planning on posting a photo, but there were none to take. She did look super fantastic in her new sparkly red sneakers though. Oh well, maybe next year. I am going to go and get a grip.