Every expectant mother has a birth plan. Except mine is pretty much as planned as you can get--a repeat scheduled C-section. So I don't have to prepare a plan to have or not have scented candles, music, drugs or no drugs, a mirror (thank goodness for that). Of course, childbirth rarely really goes 100% according to plan, but most women at least have a wish list for how they would like it to go.
I don't really have a birth plan, however I do have a wish list for after. A sort of afterbirth plan (a non-gory kind). My experience the first time around was less than ideal and I am hoping for a slightly smoother process this time, especially b/c I will have a very jealous toddler to deal with as well. When Lana was born we did not have any serious complications--there were no huge health issues, no NICU, no scary-I almost died-kind of stories. But life itself was a little crazy at the time and it no doubt affected how things went for me as a nervous and clueless first time mother.
Rewind to May 31 2006. I was finishing up my post-doctoral fellowship and Bill was wrapping up his residency. He was to graduate in 10 days and we were moving from California to Virginia in 6 weeks when I was induced. My boss called me on my cell phone as we were driving to the hospital to inquire when she would get my paper revisions and if I would be taking my laptop to the hospital. That is the actual moment when I decided to leave my career behind b/c seriously that is unbelievably ridiculous. So I did the whole labor thing overnight but every doctor, resident, intern and medical student who checked my progress kept exclaiming what a narrow pelvis I had and that there was no way a baby was coming out of there unless she was super tiny. So we signed up for a C-section and Lana was born. Screaming bloody hell (yay!) although the nurses commented that she had the loudest voice of any newborn they had ever heard (yikes!). She was jaundiced and was under the light for a week, so I stayed in the hospital for a week as well. During this time I had multiple consults with the Lactation Drill Sargeants, I mean Specialists who tried to get this loud and screaming wiggly baby to latch as they squeezed my little boobies like they were milking a cow whilst I sweat profusely and cried. She needed fluids for the jaundice, so I pumped and we finger fed her with a catheter b/c the Lactation Drill Sargeants would never entertain the idea of formula b/c she would never EVER breastfeed dammit. Nevermind that they were fairly rude about me not doing it right (i.e. not relaxing) and that this is "no way to feed a baby". Great I suck at this already.
So finally we went home to our apartment full of boxes I tried to pack before Lana was born. We were on our own for a few days before family arrived for Bill's graduation. I don't remember anything except that I would rather sleep than eat, Lana did not want to breastfeed, I did not want to give up trying, we learned what the word "colic" meant and somewhere in there Bill was studying for his Board Exam. After about a week of torture, I decided I would pump exclusively and bottle feed. This worked out okay except that it takes twice as long and there is a lot of stuff to wash and sterilize. It sucked when Lana was on the eating every 2h schedule, but we somehow managed and that pump and I became very good friends. The colic was so hard to deal with. We tried everything to get her to stop crying, but she cried and cried and I felt SO bad.
After Bill's graduation (I managed to squeeze myself into a formal dress and I even pumped in a gross chair in the bathroom) the movers came and took our stuff. We three drove to Long Beach and hung out at Bill's parents house for 10 days. Bill studied at the library during the day. Then we moved to VA and stayed with good friends for another week or two before our stuff arrived and we moved into our townhouse. I was hoping things would settle out, but that is when it really got hard for me. Bill went to work and worked long hours while I was at home with the colicky baby. I had no friends and I missed the social aspects of working everyday. I felt like I was struggling just to make it through every day with this baby I knew nothing about and who would not stop crying. She hated to be cuddled and I cannot count how many times I just got in the car and drove so that she would fall asleep and I could just sob. It is hard for me even to remember this, let alone write it down. On top of all of that my stomach was always hurting and off balance. I kept thinking I was getting food poisoning or a bug or something or maybe it was just my frayed nerves. Oh and anyone that tells you that colic only lasts for 3 months has never met my daughter.
Its so funny to even recount all of this because my life as a mother today is so different. We are done moving around. I have friends and playdates. I have in-laws and my own mom living here in town. Bill's hours are better. Lana is SO MUCH EASIER to figure out. Its the talking. I often wish I could press the mute button, but its her talking that makes her easy to parent b/c we can communicate. Medication for PPD (even though my mood issue was anxiety, not depression) also helped, but I waited way too long to seek the help I so clearly needed and I am happy to say that I took the meds for a year and weaned and now I am fine, although since I have become pregnant, I can feel some anxiety creeping back into my life from time to time. I am trying to will it away, but I know now if it comes back to the extent I had it before, I will not hesitate to see my doctor.
Given my experience the first time around, I have some wishes for this time. I don't expect it will go 100% according to plan, but here is my list anyhow:
1. Breastfeeding success! Please oh please!!
2. No colic. If I can't have that, I wish for an easygoing baby after the first 3 months of colic hell.
3. No PPD. Because it made me feel crazy and it sucked the joy out of having a new baby.
Its not a big list, but I hope to have a do-over of sorts this time. I don't have a lot of happy memories of Lana's first year b/c of all the aforementioned circumstances, but also b/c I was so filled with anxiety and I didn't have the perspective I have now. I really could not have imagined that parenting could be this fun and rewarding. All I saw at the time was how hard it was and how much I sucked at it.
I just spoke to another mom of a toddler in Lana's Little Gym class who just had her second baby and she told me the baby is not the problem, its the toddler. The toddler is SUPER jealous of her little sister to the point where she tells her mom that she doesn't love her anymore and that she only wants daddy to do stuff with her and for her. The mom told me the toddler's behavior is SO bad and that the mom feels SO hurt. She was crying while she told me all this and it scared the crap out of me. I better add another wish:
4. That Lana doesn't hate me for giving her a little sister.
Everyone tells me it will go better than you think. I sure hope so!
Wish me luck!
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5 comments:
I'm wishing lots and lots of luck. I'm also hoping that Lana really surprises you too. But, if she doesn't, it may take years, but the girls will turn out to be good friends.
I'll be hoping for a victory baby for you! I always say I would have another baby if I could guarantee an Alex baby bc he was so easy. It was the whole having another baby at the same time part (and one with colic and then generally fussy and spirited) that killed me.
Good luck Julie! I think you know my story the second time around, but I fully expected William to fall apart when Seth came along, and he was amazing. Of course, he was a year younger and couldn't really articulate his feelings yet, and I think that does make a difference. I also think I've told you this before, but let the baby cry once in a while to tend to Lana first. The baby won't remember. Lana will. No matter what the baby is doing (even if she's happily occupied), whenever you do something for or with Lana, tell the baby, "It's Lana's turn baby. I have to play with Lana now." Enlist Lana's help--bringing you diapers, wipes, etc., helping bathe the baby (if she's not the overly-aggressive type), etc. Try to arrange a weekly or bi-weekly "date" with just Lana, where you take her to lunch or you go shopping or just go for a walk or to the playground. And I know that even if you do all of these things, she might still get jealous. But she really just might surprise you!
She may surprise you! My girls were all so great with their new sister(s) each time we brought home someone new. We also had a gift at the hospital from the new baby to the older sister(s). They thought that was pretty cool. Just involve her with everything. I have heard people say that when both children need something at the same time, to make sure sometimes to answer the older one first (as long as the baby isn't in panic mode, obviously) because the older one will remember, but the baby won't. I thought that was interesting...Good luck!
Oh, God, I've been scared to even post about what I'm hoping the second time around LOL. J was an easy baby in most ways. The hard part was having NO HELP at all. Whatsoever. Hubby had to go back to work after a week and then it was just me and the baby, no family, no friends (we were the first to have kids), no friendly neignbors, etc. I felt so lonely. We have a few more friends now, but still no family or real "help" other than daycare - we're praying we can afford to send J at least a couple times a week while I'm on leave.
As for the breastfeeding - I found it very hard in the beginning. I wanted to stop every single day. But we kept it going for almost a year, and the key for me...supplement with formula when needed. I know the breastfeeding nazis say not to do it, but the first month of J's life he definitely got a couple ounces of formula every day. And he was a breastfeeding champ by 6 weeks, so I say do what you have to do.
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