I am having this problem where I feel a little detached from the rest of the world. I look around me and everyone seems happy and normal and as much as I want to join them, I just can't. I feel this weight of sadness that I would love to just shake off, but I can't. Feeling depressed is something I am not used to--its not familiar at all. I am all about anxiety--now that is familiar--being stressed, keyed up, an insomniac, tightly wound--yes, that I know, but sad and depressed--its a new world and I don't like it. Not like I enjoy being all stressed, but at least I have some general coping mechanisms there. I am trying to be social, to be happy at least at times where its appropriate, to laugh, but I can't help feeling like there is a cloud that surrounds me that I can't really see through completely. Bill is being so supportive by recognizing that I am grieving, that I am not going to be in the best mood or the most patient. He is good like that and I am grateful that I have a partner who gets me so well.
But this kid of mine knows how to crack me up. In my darkest moments, she will just say something that makes it impossible to stay sad. Like the other day I was crying, no sobbing would be more like it and she was watching tv. She said to me, "Mommy, you are crying too loud, I can't hear the tv--can you be quiet please?" Little stinker! But I had to laugh. Yesterday I was in the shower, feeling blue and when I got out she was all decked out in her pink sparkly shoes, yellow jammies, her fairy wings on upside-down and fairy wand in hand, dancing like a maniac to classical music--seriously, how can I not laugh at this one? Or like when she was splashing in the lake with Bill yesterday (we are having a mini-heat wave) and she slipped and fell, almost going under and she jumps up with surprise and says, "WHO TURNED OUT THE LIGHTS???!!" Bill and I both laughed our heads off.
Grief is a weird process for me. I have never lost anyone close to me. I don't know how to act, how to be, how long this feeling will last. I am wishing I could stay pregnant for another month b/c I am suddenly feeling totally and completely not ready. People are assuring me that, like Lana, this baby will give me that feeling of happiness or at least take the edge off of the sadness. Lana is so great at making me laugh these days and I am so grateful to be laughing instead of yelling, as I so often do with the stubborn 3 year old. Kids are such a wonderful gift.
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6 comments:
I am sorry to hear it is so tough. Like I said, I lost my very close grandmother while I was pregnant and honestly, I was so busy in those early days of twins that I didn't have a lot of time to grieve. It was a bit of a blessing, a bit of a curse as when my grandfather got sick, it was time to grieve for both of them.
Total aside but my word verification is binky! It's a sign!
Julie - What a difficult time you must be going through. You are so close to such a joyous moment, and yet such sadness overshadows everything.
I'm really very bad when it comes to moments like this, then again, who isn't? What can anyone say that will take away the pain? Not much.
That's the beauty of kids though, They don't care. They just live life. It's crazy. It's silly. Sometimes it's annoying. Sometimes it's infuriating. It makes you laugh and it makes you cringe...
When Lana is doing something crazy, or when your little bean is spitting up on you in the middle of the night, you may think of your dad. It will be sad, and sweet, and you will smile at the thought of your dad laughing at you going through just what he did with you.
julie-
I remember having many of those feelings when Will's dad died last winter, and there is really nothing to say except that it just sucks. It totally sucks, it actually sucks this hole out of your chest. I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. As far as I can tell, it will suck for a while, and then one day the suckiness will be ever so slightly less, and you will actually notice an extremely minute weight lifted from your chest. At least that is how it went for me. Every so often a little more heaviness would go, but it is still there for me even now. I can't say that I know how you feel, but I know how I felt, and still feel. I hope your load is made lighter by your new joy and that you can begin to heal through her. In the meantime, hang in there and revel in the love and silliness of Lana. I am thinking of you.
Thank you all so much. You are the nicest group of women I have never met! Seriously, your kind words mean so much to me.
This has got to be a tough time for you! How could it be otherwise! I think too often we try to 'rush' through the grief and it finds us in the oddest of places and moments. We'll be going along fine in a super market and then, bamn, the tears. I'm glad you are letting yourself cry and FEEL. And I'm so glad that little Lana is being the ray of sunshine that she is. Kids have such a great way of seeing the world. And I'm glad that she is succeeding at making you laugh. I'm also so glad that your extended family is supporting you.
An aside but can we see that bump?
A little late, but just wanted to send you some cyber hugs. Grieving is a process and a journey, and really, it never ends. Just be good to yourself, and allow yourself the time and space you need. It's completely normal to feel the way you do. May Lana continue to bring you those unexpected and much needed smiles. May Bill continue to be the wonderful, supportive husband that he is. May your labor and delivery go as smoothly as possible, and my your father's spirit help carry you through the weeks and months ahead. Lots of love and hugs to you!
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