Why I haven't been around: Part 2

Have you ever just been cruising through life thinking, "Wow, things are great. I am blessed. Happy, satisfied. All is well. Lucky me." And then, "Something bad is going to happen. I feel it." The day after I got my positive pregnancy test I actually said that out loud to Bill and he responded, "you are crazy."

Turns out I am not crazy.

My dad has just been diagnosed with Stage 3B adenocarcinoma--lung cancer. He had a low-grade fever, but no cold or other symptoms. They gave him a full workup and found the tumors in his lungs and the cancer in some lymph nodes, but no distant organs (thankfully). He had a CT scan about a year and a half ago and his lungs were all clear. That is how fast cancer can progress.

After our initial shock and denial and complete and utter FEAR, we have collectively decided to stay as positive as possible. My dad is going to fight. He is going to live. He has a lot of support through his friends, neighbors and family. Unfortunately, I am on the opposite side of the country, which feels like the opposite side of the world. I will visit whenever he needs me, with or without Lana in tow, depending on how he is feeling during treatment.

I am feeling so frustrated because of the distance. I want to help, be the best supportive daughter he could imagine. I want to DO something, but I don't know what to do. I try to stay off the internet, even away from the scientific journals, because sometimes too much information is not a good thing. So I call, I send ultrasounds of a dot (b/c that's all I have for now) and I am waiting to see how he does with chemo to plan a trip.

So anyway, this is why I have been away from blogging, but now that its out, I am sure there will be more to say in the upcoming months.

Say a prayer for him, if you do that sort of thing...

Why I haven't been around: Part 1

Things around here have been a little crazy lately. Big life events going on, some of which I want to talk about, some not so much, at least not at the moment. I keep thinking I can come on and blog about some silly story that happened during the day, but I always feel like I am writing about something I don't really want to be writing about because what I really feel like writing about I can't. So I held off long enough. Guess what? Lana is going to be a big sister!! YAY! We couldn't be happier. I am 9 weeks, so its still early--technically too early to tell, but half the world knows anyway because I cannot keep my big mouth shut. I thought about waiting till the magical 12 week mark, but I also figure that if something tragic should happen, I will want the support of my blogfriends, plus whether I tell now or in three weeks will not determine the outcome, so okay I spilled my secret. And we saw the heartbeat last week, so that is something.

These past few weeks have really surprised me. This pregnancy is so very different from when I was pregnant with Lana. In every way. With Lana, I was sick at 4 weeks and continued to be severely nauseous/dry heaving/metallic taste in mouth until 17 weeks. It was awful. I lost 10 pounds. I cried out of frustration every single day. I ate nothing but carbs--cereal, white potatoes, rice and broth, the friggen saltines. It was 24/7--I got up in the middle of the night eating some carb to keep me from dry heaving all over the place. This time however, I don't really feel nauseous that often. I get a little queasy in the evenings, especially if I don't snack enough, but I am eating. Real food. With protein. And it tastes good (except veggies--they taste funky). I am functioning well! I am actually taking prenatal vitamins! I am so so so relieved!! It really makes a huge difference in my attitude and daily life.

On the downside, I am way more tired this time. It could be that I am taking care of a toddler, but last time I was working a fairly demanding job. I think last time I wasn't as fatigued b/c I was so focused on not puking, I didn't have time to be tired.

Lana is as aware of the impending baby brother/sister as much as she can be at her age. Many of my friends are having their second, so we have been talking about their growing families for a while. She gives my belly kisses and tells her brother/sister to "knock it off" when I am feeling a little wonky. I think she will do well as a big sister as soon as the whole--my world is upside down--feeling passes. She loves to teach and show people things she knows, and she is pretty bossy too. My mom keeps telling me that Lana is going to freak out with the arrival of a new baby b/c she is so used to having our attention. But really, what older sibling doesn't have a hard time when the family expands? I know it will be a rough transition, but we will get through it and I think she will fall into her new role naturally.

Embarrassing moments--bodily functions edition and more

Lana has been embarrassing me lately. Her speech is so crystal clear that there is no denying what she is saying. And she is saying things in public. The other day at Qdoba we are ordering tacos at the counter and the woman working there asks "Black beans or pinto beans?". Lana blurts out, "No beans. Beans make mommy fart." I turn beet red and pretend I didn't hear her.

Then yesterday we are at a casual restaurant that has a table in the corner with some toys to occupy the kids. Mom, Bill and I are finishing up dinner and she goes over to the corner to check things out. All of a sudden she starts screaming bloody hell. I am thinking, she pinched her finger, cut herself, something dire! I run over there and she says so loud, "I NEED A DIAPER!!" She was wearing panties and a little tiny poo came out. Oh jeez. The whole restaurant is staring at me. I try to cover it up telling the other patrons, "She is fine. Everything is fine. Girls are all drama.." She proceeds to scream her head off in the bathroom while I deal with the tiny particle of poo and promptly put the Pull-Ups on. I walk out of the bathroom beet red again. As we were leaving and putting her coat on she says, "I fart, excuse me!" Thanks, great. We are never coming back.

This one happened at home, but if it happens in public I will just die! Mom, Lana and I are sitting on the sofa. Lana is watching Little Einsteins and Mom and I are reading the newspaper. All of a sudden, out of nowhere Lana says,, clear as day, "SON OF A BITCH!" My mom and I almost fell off the sofa. Lana and I had a long talk about bad words that grownups sometimes use and how she cannot say these words, etc. Bill secretly gave her a high five later. He is so proud. Terrific.

Then today we all went furniture shopping in Seattle. We went into this one store that was super modern--way too urban for our taste, but we were just browsing. There is a $2000 swivel round chair with an ottoman sitting in the front. Lana climbs on and starts turning the chair and says to the sales dude, "Just like in IKEA!" I am sure the guy working there really appreciated that one. It was kind of funny though. He laughed.

Ugh, this phase!

I don't know if I have winter doldrums or what, but Lana has been a wee bit more difficult in the past couple of weeks. She cycles between the sweetest child on the planet and total pain in the ass. Every morning within the first hour of the day I am analyzing her to see if we have Sweet Lana or Defiant Lana. The last couple of days she has been just adorably sweet. She has been saying "please" and asking things in a nice voice. She even thanks me for cooking dinner every night when we sit down to eat. Kisses and hugs--oh its just the BEST. She tells fantastic stories and uses a napkin to wipe her hands and face declaring, "I am a big girl Mommy!"

But then...Oh boy, look out. Defiant Lana spends half the day in time out. She hits, she bites, she throws her toys or worse--rips a book!!! Where did this hell-child come from? She demands and defies. I say "Put on your pants please" and she pitches a fit, declaring that she will be naked all day long. I have to threaten punishment just to get some simple request fulfilled. "If you don't put away your Play-Doh, I will take away Candy Land and put it in the closet and you won't get to play with it until tomorrow!" I hate being so mean, but geez, just follow the rules and we will be all set! I struggle to find my inner patience and I see my mom looking at me like I am the worst type of parent that cannot control their child. (okay, in all fairness she is not judging me, but I am projecting that one onto myself).

I wake up every morning hoping for Sweet Lana, but if Defiant Lana shows up, I guess I just have to take a deep breath and hope for a long nap.