Happy First Birthday Lacey!

Dear Lacey,
Today you are one year old! What a wild and wonderful year it has been since you joined our family. It has gone so fast! Wasn't it just yesterday that we brought you home from the hospital? You were so tiny, all 6 lbs 4 oz of you, that tiny little butt fitting right in the palm of our hands and your soft head with the fuzzy hair and the delicious baby smell that was so intoxicating. Oh sweet Lacey, you were so pleasant and content to sit and just watch the whirlwind of your big sister. Of course now you cannot just sit and watch, you are in the thick of the action, wanting to be everywhere Lana is, eating whatever she is eating, playing with the big kid toys, climbing the stairs (all 16 of them), crawling super-fast, ripping paper into tiny shreds which you then eat with mommy yelling--no no no! To which you respond with a smile, showing us your 4 little teeth. Lacey-lace (as we call you) you have our heart, you are so easy to love, you bring us so much joy.We haven't had a doctor's appointment in a while, but I am estimating you are about 20 lbs, you have a little bit of soft, dark brown hair that makes everyone think you are a boy even if I have you dressed in pink, you have delicate little fingers that you like to point to everything and say either "ah" or "up". I keep trying to teach you some words because I don't know what "ah" and "up" really mean to you. So far you say, "Mama", "Baba" and "Nana" (Lana). You love to take folded laundry or a stack of clean diapers and fling them all over the room, one by one. You love to crawl really fast to the bathroom and pull yourself up on the toilet (yuck) or the edge of the tub. You think its funny when I chase after you--you crawl faster and giggle. You are very curious, pulling on cords, trying to pull out the outlet covers, pulling on the nightlight, digging in trash cans. You love to play ball the most. If I roll a ball to you, you roll it right back. If Lana and I sit with you on the floor, we can roll the ball between the three of us for good long while (a few minutes, but still). You are not walking without assistance just yet, I think b/c you have decided you can crawl much faster.
Lacey, my dear, you are a little faker! When I brought you home from the hospital, you slept 4 hours straight every night and I said, "OH YAY! I think we have a sleeper!" Then at about 3 months old, you faked me out and turned into Worlds Worst Sleeper, which I have concluded is your natural pattern. When we started solid food--you ate robustly, but then all of a sudden you rejected everything you once ate. So I switched to homemade baby food, which was better. Then we gave you table food and once again you ate everything I gave you--pasta with meatsauce, salmon and pasta broccoli, homemade Chinese food, fish, meatballs. But a few weeks ago, you have suddenly decided that you only eat bread, pasta, sweet potatoes, carrots, fruit and tofu. That's it, no exceptions--no rice, no eggs, no green veggies, definitely no meat. Don't even try to mix it up. But you will giggle and wiggle if I even pick up the box of graham crackers--looks like someone has a sweet tooth :)
You are still breastfeeding (yay to me for that accomplishment!) and we are still up through the night once or twice. I love it when I pick you up and give you your giraffe lovey--you put your head on my shoulder and sigh and snuggle. Oh it is so sweet. I love how you hug back and that you are so quick to smile. I love watching you and listening to you. I know sometimes our house can be loud and busy, but I will always have the time to stop and listen to my littlest bug.
Thank you sweet Lacey for a wonderful year. We can't wait to see what this next year brings! Happy Birthday!

What we did on summer vacation Part 1

Summer is officially over here in these parts. Usually September weather still feels like summer (70s), but this year the brief summer we had has given way to rain, rain and more rain, with a little fog mixed in for variety. The rain actually doesn't bother me, but we all felt a little cheated this summer since it was cooler and wetter than normal. School is back in session (yay!) and Lacey and I are still trying to figure out how to get her to take decent naps in between dropoff and pickup. I have been frantically trying to get things done around the house--bigger projects like cleaning out the office, paring down the junk in our lives, deep cleaning things that have long been neglected. You know, fun stuff. My "To do" list is long and every time I cross something off, I have added 3 more things. But that is everyone's story, right? I do really love fall and after I catch up with these house projects, I plan to enjoy the crisp air, changing leaves, pumpkin patches and dairy-free baking!

Despite my focus on all of my fall activities and plans, we had a great summer. Lana and I had one special day per week when my inlaws watched Lacey. We did "big kid" stuff, like the public pool or the beach or the movies or the zoo, with ladies lunch first, usually at Red Robin or the sushi place with that awesome kids meal. Lana actually loved to sit at the sushi bar b/c "you can't do that with a baby!" She really did love and appreciate the one-on-one time b/c she often said, "Thanks mom for bringing me here." We had some really really awesome special days and even if she doesn't remember them over time, I sure will. I also had a special day with Lacey each week which was nice as well. Lacey is pretty content to sit on the floor and play, although with 2 naps a day its not like we were out and about too often. She is a happy little thing and even if she is a crappy sleeper, she is so easy to love and snuggle and smile at. That kid melts my heart. In just 8 days she will be ONE!!! I can't believe it.

Back to summer. In addition to our special days, we tried to enjoy every ounce of sunshine--we went to the splash park, the regular parks, we took walks in the neighborhood and we ate outside on our brand new deck every night. We had fun playdates with friends and we went to Jetty Island a few times.

Two big things we did this summer: 1) We took a big, 2 part vacation and 2) We did a big, loud, massive remodel.

Part 1 of our vacation was to Cape Cod where we met up with some close friends from Boston who have a 2 year old daughter, Elyse. Lana and Elyse had so much fun playing in the sand, searching for shells and sharing a room. Bill and I enjoyed catching up with our friends, eating boatloads of seafood and watching our girls play together. We all rented a house which was a great thing to do with another family b/c it allowed us to prepare breakfast and cook up the clams we dug up for lunch. Plus, it was relatively easy for Lacey to get her naps while one adult could hang behind and relax. I say relatively easy b/c Lacey did not sleep well during this trip. But it worked out okay, she was in a pretty good mood most of the time. The only bummer with this trip was that Bill got food poisoning on the second night. I tell ya, its not a family vacation unless someone pukes. It happens nearly every trip. But he has a good eject button and once it was out, he was good to go. It was such a great vacation. I really felt Bill relaxing, which is not an easy thing for him. We had great weather, it wasn't too hot, but definitely warm enough to spend lots of time swimming and building elaborate sand castles. It felt good to have the family time and it was really nice to share the fun with our friends. It was also super nice for me b/c our friend Nancy did all of the cooking since I was always holding Lacey or trying to keep her out of trouble. A whole week of no cooking? Now THAT is a vacation for me!

Here's the real kicker--when we got home from our trip, I read Megan's blog about her vacation in Cape Cod. I emailed her, thinking, oh its impossible that we were both in Cape Cod the exact same week. But yes, it was true--our families were in Cape Cod the exact same week! AND we were about 10 miles away from one another! I can't believe we didn't know it ahead of time so that we could connect! How awesome would that have been??? Seren and Lana would have talked each other silly. Darn it!

So here are a few photos from our trip:

Yeesh, I have been gone forever

Today is the first day of Pre-K for Lana! Here she is right before we left. It was raining, so we did the indoor shot this year. We tried to get Lacey to pose with her for a couple, but she was too busy chewing shoes and wouldn't sit still.

So I am back! I hope to have more time to blog now that I have one at home who naps, although PreK pickup is going to blow the PM nap. I am not sure if I am going to shoot for an early or late nap for Lacey, we will have to see how things go. Too bad she won't sleep in the car. Anyway, we had a nice summer, although the weather kind of was a letdown, but we made the most of it. I am hoping to do some retro-posts about our adventures this summer, but not today--today I am just catching up.

Lana was a bit nervous to go to school this morning. Last night she dissolved into tears about 100 times about all things not school related, but I could tell that she was just feeling some butterflies about school. I remember feeling that as a kid. Its funny b/c I remember being kind of sensitive as a child--nervous about things, scared of strange things. My mom says she never knew, that I never said anything about it. Lana is pretty open with her emotions and since many of them I can relate to, I tend to offer empathy and reassurance. Bill thinks I am feeding her anxieties, but I am just not the type to say--you are being ridiculous! Shake it off! But this morning went along without incident--we got up, had breakfast, got dressed and off we went to school.

When we arrived Lana sat down at the table which had a coloring page and a laminated name tag was on the table just above it. The teacher told her to write her name on her paper the same way it was on the name tag and that she could look at the name tag for reference. Lana grabbed a pencil and wrote her name on the paper about half way down the page. The teacher stopped by and told her to write her name on the line at the top that said "Name". She immediately said--"I was just practicing down here." I think Lana is a huge perfectionist. She told me last night that she is worried that she will make some mistakes at school and end up in the little blue chair (when kids have listening ear problems, that is where they sit). She said, "Mama, I am only 4, I am still learning things." I had to explain that nobody expects her to know everything and that she goes to school to learn new things and that everyone makes mistakes sometimes (even Mommys) and that if she listens to her teacher and doesn't talk sassy, she will not end up in the little blue chair.

Its bittersweet watching her grow up, gain independence, feel a little scared, send her off to school. I know its cliche and so expected, but I am happy and sad, all at the same time.

I am looking forward to catching up on things long overdue.

I also expect we will be sick by the weekend, b/c well, that's how school goes.

The homemade necktie

Whoa, I can't believe how long it has been since my last post. We just returned from a trip back east and I am hoping to find the time to get through our 600 vacation photos and post a few, but who am I kidding, I don't have time for anything this summer! We have been busy just living life, having fun and enjoying the summer as much as possible. It is amazing how busy we can be doing just this and that. With Lana at home (rather than in school) I literally have zero downtime. Lana spends plenty of downtime while I am feeding Lacey or getting her to sleep, but as soon as I have a minute free, Lana and I play or do big kid projects. Once she is back in school I hope to have more "me" time, when Lacey is napping of course. All is well, despite my absence from my blog!

A while ago Lana made Bill a "necktie" out of paper. She secured the vertical strip of paper to the part that goes around his neck with half of a marshmallow. Yes, a marshmallow. She has licked it a few times b/c, well, its tempting to get a little taste of sugar now and then. Its pretty gross now with some fuzz stuck to it, but she made this treasure just for her baba. It is decorated with some designs, an abstract pattern. Bill wears scrubs 2 days a week and a shirt and tie the rest of the days. Every day for weeks she has asked him, "Baba, when are you going to wear my tie to work?" He has told her he will, he promises.

Yesterday Lana noticed that the homemade tie was not on his nightstand. She told me she thinks he wore it to work! Well, when Bill came home for lunch yesterday, he walked in the door wearing the homemade necktie, fuzzy marshmallow and all. Lana was very excited and I was so touched that he actually wore it, even if he just put it on a second before he came in the door. Its that kind of thoughtfulness that is just so him. Lana wanted to know what his "work-friends" thought of the tie, to which he responded, "they all thought it was very fancy". I have always thought there are some men who were just meant to have daughters and as much as Bill wants a son, he is really very good at being a dad to his girls.

Here he is:

The blind leading the blind

When we first brought Lacey home I thought Lana would be super jealous. Surprisingly, she seemed fine. There was no acting out, no aggressive behavior or mean statements about sending Lacey back. She wasn't exactly lovey dovey with Lacey, but Lana is not inherently maternal. She will tell you that she is not a hugger. I was so relieved that things were going so smoothly.

Lacey has just become mobile. She learned how to crawl this weekend and she absolutely loves to pull up to standing and walk with the push-type walker. This kid wants to walk and I predict it won't be long. Lana is not thrilled with Lacey's developmental milestone. Lacey is no longer the baby who will sit and play with baby toys. Now she wants to get all up in Lana's business. Lacey has been getting a lot of attention for her new skills and Lana feels left in the dust. I know this is all normal stuff, sibling stuff. But Bill and I are CLUELESS. We are both only children and neither one of us know the best way to handle Lana's feelings.

Just tonight she told me that she does not feel like she is number one anymore, that no one pays any attention to her and that today everyone yelled at her. She said that we all think Lacey came out of my tummy first. This is hard for me to hear b/c its true--everyone yelled at her today--her behavior was atrocious! She bit me, scratched me and kicked me in the face (we were playing, but still) and ended up in the corner. She told me she would never make me art or cards with my name on it EVER! It's true too that we all give a lot of attention to Lacey b/c geez if we take our eyes off of her for a second she will get stuck under a table or chair, pull the contents off the coffee table, get into something she shouldn't. But I try so very hard to give Lana my full attention when Lacey is asleep and we have a special day together, just Lana and I where we do something fun. I don't want Lana to ever feel like we don't value her and love her. I know it will be hard for the girls to get along all the time, but its my wish that they at least like each other. Lana is so kindhearted and good with her friends, I do hope Nurtureshock is right when they assert that kids learn how to be good siblings by interacting with their friends.

Part of me thinks that Lana is unjustified in her feelings of jealousy b/c we do give her a lot of attention, just not every second of the day. Part of me feels guilty that I can't give each kid all of myself all of the time. I think its good for the girls to grow up with each other, sometimes sharing the attention, sometimes getting special days. Its a learning process for us all. Bill and I could definitely use some tips and advice though!

Catching Up Again

I didn't mean to be gone quite so long! I have no real reason for being absent on my blog, other than just plain being busy with this and that. Last week was a little crazy because I had an all day meeting on Wednesday and it was the first time I left both girls with my inlaws for the entire day. Logistically, it is always a challenge because of communication/language barriers, but the thing about the second kid is that I am so much more laid back about EVERYTHING. If the schedule is screwy and she doesn't nap well or snacks too much and doesn't eat well at meals, really who cares, its one day and we will get back to schedule tomorrow. I did not have this attitude the first time around, incidentally. The girls (and my inlaws) did fine, I enjoyed my meeting and being off-duty for 8 whole hours, and all was right with the world. I will add that getting everything prepped for the day, hauling my pump and accessories with me and getting out the door by 7:45am was a little hairy and gave me a little peek at what it would be like if I was a working mom, so kudos to you all!!

The weather has been freezing. And rainy. Did I mention freezing? I know you all don't believe me because everywhere else in the country its HOT. July hot. But not here--we are talking 50s and low 60s. Brr. On July 2, I wore jeans, a long sleeve T and fleece! Unreal. Its been really annoying and has left me wondering if we would ever even wear short sleeves this summer, not to mention shorts. Well, today the tides have turned finally and we saw the sun! It was about 75 and sunny and beautiful! Lacey and I took a walk to the park. The rest of the week they are predicting 80s and even 90s?! Lana and I have plans to hit the beach. My inlaws have been watching Lana on Tuesdays and Lacey on Thursdays, so I get one day/week with each girl alone. Its working out great b/c Tuesdays are quiet baby time and Thursdays are adventurous, no napping, no diaper bag hauling days. I really feel like Lana needs this one-on-one time. She treasures it and so do I.

The best part about the long weekend was seeing Bill for three days straight. He has been working a lot and last weekend he was on call and had to operate, so it didn't even feel like a weekend at all. We did many fun things. On Saturday, we went to Whidbey Island and met up with some friends who live there. The boys went crabbing (and caught a bunch) and the kids played on the beach while the women chatted and looked after the babies. Bill is a fanatic for crab, especially when he catches them fresh out of the sound. Our friends are so lovely and welcoming, plus their kids play so well with Lana. It was a great day, capped off with beer and roasted crabs. Sunday we took my mom and the inlaws to the Zoo in Seattle. It was overcast, cool and it even rained a bit, but we just pulled on our fleece and went. It was so fun. I took Lana when she was younger, but she couldn't care less about the animals. This year, finally, she was into it! We had a great day and I got a ton of exercise walking all over the place with Lacey in the Ergo. Sunday night we decided to skip fireworks, mostly b/c I don't really like them, but also b/c the kids would be asleep by the time the sun sets at 10:30pm. Little did we know that our town changed the location of the fireworks launch which placed them literally right in front of our house. We sat on our bed and watched the fireworks! It was crazy cool. When they were over, we just shut off the lights and went to bed. No dealing with crowds, sitting in traffic, whiny kids.

So that's our 4th of July in a nutshell. Now we are ready for summer!

Maybe not the best advice

Yesterday was a rare sunny day, so the girls and I spent some time out on the front lawn, just enjoying the blue sky and playing in the dirt and grass. I swear it has been raining for a month straight, with one sunny day every 2 weeks or so. Plus, its so chilly--we have been in the low 60s on a good day, but this morning when I was going to the grocery store it was only 48! In June! I keep reminding myself that summer here is July-September and it will get nice, but June just is one big disappointment. Anyway, a neighbor was walking by with her friend and stopped to chat. My neighbor's friend has a daughter who is a senior in high school and is interested in science, biomedical research specifically, and my neighbor told her that I used to work in science, so she asked me for my opinion and any advice. First off, I think that mentoring is super important and if it weren't for the advice and support I received over the years, I never would have pursued my career to the extent that I did. So my first thought was 1) choose your words wisely 2) be honest and 3) don't sound too crabby. But, oh this is such a loaded question for me--how did you like being a scientist? Well, obviously, I am not one now, so you do the math. It did get me thinking about my path, as a scientist and now as a mother.

I always loved science. My crappy high school never had a science fair or anything like that, but I enjoyed science classes far more than any other subject. I majored in biology in college, thinking I would try to get into medical school, but I felt pretty intimidated and I have this whole fear of blood and vomit, plus I might need to like touch people, weird people in weird places--so medical school was out. I got a summer job at a cancer institute in my hometown in a research lab. I started off doing silly things like washing glassware and disposing of radioactive liquids, but I met and worked with a grad student (incidentally the author of Outnumbered Gal) and she taught me the basics of working in a lab. I loved it and she was a very patient teacher. I continued working in a lab back at college by getting an internship in the medical school and conducting my own project studying mechanisms of schizophrenia in rats. I had a great mentor, who really encouraged me to pursue a career in research. She was successful, yet happy and even seemed to have balance in her life. It looked like a good choice, plus I loved the work, even though I didn't really know what I was doing. I was so energized and excited (and naive) about it because the thought of doing world-class research with super smart people and making discoveries and contributions was just super cool, plus my whole career was in front of me. I really couldn't imagine doing anything else. So while all my biology classmates applied to medical school, I applied to graduate school and was accepted at nearly every program I applied to. I selected Northwestern and moved to Chicago.

I could write a book about my life in Chicago. It was one of those critical times in my life where good stuff happened and bad stuff happened, but overall it was the time where I gained true independence and grew into adulthood. As I began grad school and did rotations through different labs, I noticed that every single postdoctoral researcher I met was miserable. They may have liked science well enough, but they did not dig their job and they were quite cynical about the next step, i.e. moving on from being a scientist-in-training and becoming either a professor or a scientist in biotech/pharma. After they got their PhD, they worked as a postdoc for 2-5 years, for very little money and wow, they worked hard. Nights and weekends, long hours during the week. Many of these postdocs would even do 2 postdocs before moving on to the next step--yes, that is 10 years of post-graduate training. At the time, I was so confused b/c I was still so energized and excited about my career and I vowed to always be optimistic and to not become so jaded. After all, I chose this path.

I had a wonderfully supportive mentor and boss through graduate school. She was/is very successful who entered this field at a time when there were very very few women in science. The other thing about her is that she is a nice person and has other interests and hobbies, she is compassionate and funny. It was a pleasure to work for her. I learned so much from her. She is so important to me, both professionally and personally that she did a reading at our wedding. Anyway, my project was good. I made progress, published a bunch and graduated within 5 years. All in all, it was a good experience. It was also stressful. I always felt just a bit incompetant and inadequate, in over my head and the public speaking of giving seminars took years off my life--the anxiety I felt! I developed migraines, acid reflux, insomnia. Ugh, is any career worth that?

But, I had so much fun living in Chicago. I was in my early 20s and I had great girlfriends. I was in a long-term relationship that was not moving toward marriage, so I felt pretty carefree. I literally never thought about getting married and having a family and how I would fit all of it in with my career. If I had to come back to lab at 9pm for an experiment, it was no big deal--I lived close by and I had no other responsibilities. Looking back, I really did not think I would ever have children. Until my relationship ended and I met Bill. We fell in love quickly and it was intense. I suddenly knew we would get married and have kids. It was a wonder I got anything done at work during this time b/c I was so distracted! But just as quickly as our relationship began, Bill had to move to San Diego 6 months later to start his residency and I was left behind to finish up my PhD. I had about 2 years left, give or take.

After I graduated, I moved onto my postdoc in San Diego, Bill and I got married and we enjoyed our life in southern California. My postdoc was weird. I was finally in the same position as all the miserable people I met in grad school. I can't say I was miserable, but I did not have the same energy and optimism that I used to have. I still felt a bit inadequate, but I enjoyed the people I worked with (mostly). I was getting tired though. Tired of doing experiments that didn't work. Tired of writing all these grants for my boss. Tired of pretending my project was SO important, when really it was kind of boring, even to me. Speaking of my boss, she was as weird and inappropriate as they come--a huge contrast to all the mentors I had the pleasure of working with earlier in my career. But, I stayed 4 years, published a bunch and on paper, everything looked like I was moderately successful.

But the thing is, moderately successful doesn't really get you very far in science. To become a professor, you need to be uber successful and super dedicated in ways I will never be. There are very few positions available and a lot of postdocs who want those positions. Even getting a job in biotech/pharma isn't as easy as it used to be. You have to be willing to move anywhere to get the job and many if not most of these positions are not 9-5 types of jobs. I wasn't willing to move far away at that point. Bill and I had already been separated and by the time I was winding up my postdoc, I was pregnant with Lana. We were moving to Alexandria, VA for Bill's one year fellowship, so I thought I would stay home that year and then we will see if I want to go back to my career, depending on where we end up. I never went back and I don't really want to.

The biggest reason I am a stay at home mom is that I really enjoy being centered. I am never stressed out like I used to be. I have never had one night of insomnia since I stopped working. I don't feel torn between the kids and my job. I can't say every day is super fun, especially when the kids are sour and/or fussy, but overall, I try to enjoy them, have some fun, smile and laugh and make a decent dinner. My house is a mess, every closet unorganized, dirty dishes in the sink, but I don't care, I really don't. I'd rather play with the girls b/c that is why I am not working. I love sitting on the beach (if the damn sun would ever come out) on a Wednesday afternoon with Lana and I making a sandcastle. This is exactly why I am not working. If I was still a scientist, I would be bringing work home, doing literature searches instead of keeping this blog, writing papers and putting together presentations--all in the evenings. I would be feeling judged by my coworkers and boss for cutting out of work at 6pm so I could pick up the kids. Sadly, this persists in many environments in science, b/c working long hours is a badge of honor. I definitely don't miss the disappointments of experiments not working, grants not being funded and the constant criticisms/expectations. I definitely do miss getting a paycheck and the socializing with my coworkers. I suppose I also miss the intellectual aspect of my job, but frankly, I can read about new discoveries and understand research articles if I feel like it. But staying home is a good choice for our family b/c its good for me emotionally and health-wise and Bill's hours can be very long, so I am happy to provide the consistent schedule. I can't imagine us both having long hours--the kids would never see us.

So what did I say to this woman, whose daughter is interested in a career in science? I told her to come and talk to me if she wants to. I told her it was great when I was young, but its not very family-friendly and its hard to achieve balance. I hate to discourage and I really don't want to--I love to hear that young women are into science and math, but I also felt like honesty is important. I really feel like if its your dream, you gotta do it. I don't want to sound like those jaded post-docs. I really appreciate all of the mentoring support I received along the way and it was my dream and I did it. I just don't want to continue doing it b/c I feel like it will negatively impact our family life. I wish there was part-time or job sharing, but I have yet to hear of anything like that happening in this field. Ah, I just feel like I dished out some crappy advice to a young woman with her whole career ahead of her. I do hope she comes and talks to me, b/c its not a question I can answer in 2 sentences (obviously, this is quite the long post).