When we first brought Lacey home I thought Lana would be super jealous. Surprisingly, she seemed fine. There was no acting out, no aggressive behavior or mean statements about sending Lacey back. She wasn't exactly lovey dovey with Lacey, but Lana is not inherently maternal. She will tell you that she is not a hugger. I was so relieved that things were going so smoothly.
Lacey has just become mobile. She learned how to crawl this weekend and she absolutely loves to pull up to standing and walk with the push-type walker. This kid wants to walk and I predict it won't be long. Lana is not thrilled with Lacey's developmental milestone. Lacey is no longer the baby who will sit and play with baby toys. Now she wants to get all up in Lana's business. Lacey has been getting a lot of attention for her new skills and Lana feels left in the dust. I know this is all normal stuff, sibling stuff. But Bill and I are CLUELESS. We are both only children and neither one of us know the best way to handle Lana's feelings.
Just tonight she told me that she does not feel like she is number one anymore, that no one pays any attention to her and that today everyone yelled at her. She said that we all think Lacey came out of my tummy first. This is hard for me to hear b/c its true--everyone yelled at her today--her behavior was atrocious! She bit me, scratched me and kicked me in the face (we were playing, but still) and ended up in the corner. She told me she would never make me art or cards with my name on it EVER! It's true too that we all give a lot of attention to Lacey b/c geez if we take our eyes off of her for a second she will get stuck under a table or chair, pull the contents off the coffee table, get into something she shouldn't. But I try so very hard to give Lana my full attention when Lacey is asleep and we have a special day together, just Lana and I where we do something fun. I don't want Lana to ever feel like we don't value her and love her. I know it will be hard for the girls to get along all the time, but its my wish that they at least like each other. Lana is so kindhearted and good with her friends, I do hope Nurtureshock is right when they assert that kids learn how to be good siblings by interacting with their friends.
Part of me thinks that Lana is unjustified in her feelings of jealousy b/c we do give her a lot of attention, just not every second of the day. Part of me feels guilty that I can't give each kid all of myself all of the time. I think its good for the girls to grow up with each other, sometimes sharing the attention, sometimes getting special days. Its a learning process for us all. Bill and I could definitely use some tips and advice though!
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Just wanted to let you know that some of that is normal 4 year old behavior. Michael told Todd yesterday that he didn't like him because he wouldn't lay with him at bedtime. He had done nothing to Michael but he wasn't cooperating for bed and that was the consequence.
As far as siblings go, I can completely relate to having the younger one get into EVERYTHING! We do the same as you by taking special time during naps for just the two of us. Hang in there!
Hmmm... that's a tough one. I can almost guarantee that it will get better and they won't be able to imagine life without their sister later on. Is Lacey interested in helping with Lana? Maybe she would enjoy some "ownership" of being the big sister? JTC likes that. Otherwise, I think you're doing all the right things, and each transition will just take time. =)
I think it just takes time to figure out how to give each child the attention they need. Jon and I have an advantage in some ways since we have always had to do it.
For us, the easiest way to make sure we did not have to keep constant eyes on the babies (Alex was mobile 3 months before Nate) was to uber-babyproof everything. That way I could leave a room and know one baby would be safe. I wonder if that would help so that you don't have to constantly be watching Lacey.
Also Nate is a super jealous kid when it comes to Alex getting attention so we always have to make sure to praise him when Alex gets praise. Like yesterday Alex went off the diving board for the first time. We gave him a ton of high fives and hugs but we also had to say 'Nate you have been showing Alex how to do awesome tricks up there. You did such a great job!" and give him high fives and hugs too. So I wonder if you could find ways to say to Lana - you are so good at doing that thing your sister just did.
Mostly it takes time!
Oddly Alex doesn't care about me giving attention to Nate but when I give attention to other kids, he goes crazy!
I am not going to lie - siblings are difficult. I think it is especially difficult with two of the same gender. My advice to you since I am about 1 year ahead of you - try to make things special for each. For DS1 I am always telling him how he is special because he is my first boy, he is my good hugger, he is my big boy. I tell DS2 he is special because he is my last boy, that he is my special smiler, that he is my baby, etc. I've told DS1 that I love them both equally but differently. When he asks how, I then discuss all the wonderful things I love about him that are different from DS2. Also, don't sugar coat it when Lana is being bad. I know we may have made this mistake. Tell her straight out, you were yelled at today because you made bad choices, you didn't control your self, you were not playing nicely. Then make sure to tell her that you know she can do all these things.
Sibling rivalry is one of the most difficult things to deal with. I try desparately to make sure my second son knows how valued he is because I feel he might get the same feeling like I did as the second girl (I was also the middle child - the last one was the boy). It really does make you feel a little less important. So I am very much aware of the consequences in the long run.
My sister and I fought, bickered, compared, poked, taunted, you name it...for years. For about 25 years. She back handed me in the face with a phone one day (She claims I deserved it for pulling the fridge door out from under her hand. Whatever.) The bad news is that it sucked for my parents. The good news is that now that we are older, we have become good friends. It just takes a while.
Being the youngest, I can relate more to Lacey and the issues she's going to have (like being left out by Lana and her friends when they are older.) But what does come to mind is finding opportunities to praise Lana when you can. Both for being nice to Lacey, and for things that have nothing to do with Lacey. Even if she's having a rough day and you really have to look for something to praise her for.
Another idea is to do the gossiping thing. When you know Lacey might be listening, talk to Lacey about what a great big sister she has, how creative her big sister is, and things like that.
And, get used to always making things as equal as possible. To this day, if my dad picks up steaks for my sister and I at the commissary, he'll go through every single package trying to find two that are the exact same weight. It's just the way it is.
Ah sibling rivalry. And something tells me with girls it might be worse. TH and I have interesting conversations about this because I have the perspective of the older kid -- I remember feeling like my little sister (exact same age difference as our kids) never got in trouble, that she got ALOT more attention, everyone was always fawning all over her because she was very extroverted while me and my twin sis were both very shy, etc. TH however is the baby of his family, and he remembers always feeling left out and not having anyone to play with when his sisters' friends would come over and sometimes being in their shadow because they all went to the same high school. Interesting.
If it makes you feel any better, J has never said he doesn't like Jr. but he has been throwing HUGE fits lately, and I can tell that they are ploys for attention because he never seems to have a tantrum when the baby is asleep and he has me all to himself. It's hard because I want him to be nice to his brother and share his toys, but I remember as a kid hating when I was *forced* to let my little sis join in every activity I was doing, so sometimes I step back and tell Jr. (who of course has no idea what's going on) "Sorry, buddy, those are J's toys and you can't touch them right now."
It is funny though, now that Jr. is mobile we've had to tell him "no" a few times which J LOVES - if he hears me say no to the baby he literally comes running - "What? What did he do? Why are you saying no? Was he being bad?" It's like the highlight of his day for Jr. to get in trouble LOL.
Dude--tell Lana to suck it up. Ha ha ha ha. Totally kidding. I'm sure you and Bill are doing just fine. Lana has to learn to share you, pure and simple. She will do her best to manipulate you and make you feel guilty--that's her job. But as long as you ARE spending quality, one-on-one time with her, and praising her efforts as much as she deserves, then she will get used to it. And as they get older, you can have Lana help Lacey do things and that's the best of both worlds! I ask William to help Seth all the time. He helps him open play dough and play games on my iPhone and other little things like that. Hang in there!
A few years ago, I watched the only home video my parents had ever shot (we didn't own a video camera and they borrowed one from a friend). In the video, my sisters were around 2 and I was about 7 or 8. My parents are taping my sisters virtually the entire time, commenting on how cute they are sitting in the wagon in their matching dresses and bonnets. Meanwhile, you can hear me in the background shouting "Mom, Dad, look at these great cartwheels I can do! Why won't anyone look at me?" So needless to say, I can relate to what Lana in going through and I think jealousy of younger siblings just comes with the territory of being an older sibling. Luckily, my sisters and I are very close now and I think it is just something they will both have to look through. Like others have already said, reminding Lana of how much Lacey looks up to her and tries to copy what she is doing might reassure her somewhat.
Ugh - I can totally relate to what you're going through. Andrew just learned to crawl and is all over the place. Ashley's regressed and screams now to get my attention. I feel so frustrated, and confused about how to deal with it.
Our pediatrician recommended "Siblings Without Rivalry." I'll let you know if it has some good advice.
Hang in there! :)
Melanie
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