Yesterday was a rare sunny day, so the girls and I spent some time out on the front lawn, just enjoying the blue sky and playing in the dirt and grass. I swear it has been raining for a month straight, with one sunny day every 2 weeks or so. Plus, its so chilly--we have been in the low 60s on a good day, but this morning when I was going to the grocery store it was only 48! In June! I keep reminding myself that summer here is July-September and it will get nice, but June just is one big disappointment. Anyway, a neighbor was walking by with her friend and stopped to chat. My neighbor's friend has a daughter who is a senior in high school and is interested in science, biomedical research specifically, and my neighbor told her that I used to work in science, so she asked me for my opinion and any advice. First off, I think that mentoring is super important and if it weren't for the advice and support I received over the years, I never would have pursued my career to the extent that I did. So my first thought was 1) choose your words wisely 2) be honest and 3) don't sound too crabby. But, oh this is such a loaded question for me--how did you like being a scientist? Well, obviously, I am not one now, so you do the math. It did get me thinking about my path, as a scientist and now as a mother.
I always loved science. My crappy high school never had a science fair or anything like that, but I enjoyed science classes far more than any other subject. I majored in biology in college, thinking I would try to get into medical school, but I felt pretty intimidated and I have this whole fear of blood and vomit, plus I might need to like touch people, weird people in weird places--so medical school was out. I got a summer job at a cancer institute in my hometown in a research lab. I started off doing silly things like washing glassware and disposing of radioactive liquids, but I met and worked with a grad student (incidentally the author of Outnumbered Gal) and she taught me the basics of working in a lab. I loved it and she was a very patient teacher. I continued working in a lab back at college by getting an internship in the medical school and conducting my own project studying mechanisms of schizophrenia in rats. I had a great mentor, who really encouraged me to pursue a career in research. She was successful, yet happy and even seemed to have balance in her life. It looked like a good choice, plus I loved the work, even though I didn't really know what I was doing. I was so energized and excited (and naive) about it because the thought of doing world-class research with super smart people and making discoveries and contributions was just super cool, plus my whole career was in front of me. I really couldn't imagine doing anything else. So while all my biology classmates applied to medical school, I applied to graduate school and was accepted at nearly every program I applied to. I selected Northwestern and moved to Chicago.
I could write a book about my life in Chicago. It was one of those critical times in my life where good stuff happened and bad stuff happened, but overall it was the time where I gained true independence and grew into adulthood. As I began grad school and did rotations through different labs, I noticed that every single postdoctoral researcher I met was miserable. They may have liked science well enough, but they did not dig their job and they were quite cynical about the next step, i.e. moving on from being a scientist-in-training and becoming either a professor or a scientist in biotech/pharma. After they got their PhD, they worked as a postdoc for 2-5 years, for very little money and wow, they worked hard. Nights and weekends, long hours during the week. Many of these postdocs would even do 2 postdocs before moving on to the next step--yes, that is 10 years of post-graduate training. At the time, I was so confused b/c I was still so energized and excited about my career and I vowed to always be optimistic and to not become so jaded. After all, I chose this path.
I had a wonderfully supportive mentor and boss through graduate school. She was/is very successful who entered this field at a time when there were very very few women in science. The other thing about her is that she is a nice person and has other interests and hobbies, she is compassionate and funny. It was a pleasure to work for her. I learned so much from her. She is so important to me, both professionally and personally that she did a reading at our wedding. Anyway, my project was good. I made progress, published a bunch and graduated within 5 years. All in all, it was a good experience. It was also stressful. I always felt just a bit incompetant and inadequate, in over my head and the public speaking of giving seminars took years off my life--the anxiety I felt! I developed migraines, acid reflux, insomnia. Ugh, is any career worth that?
But, I had so much fun living in Chicago. I was in my early 20s and I had great girlfriends. I was in a long-term relationship that was not moving toward marriage, so I felt pretty carefree. I literally never thought about getting married and having a family and how I would fit all of it in with my career. If I had to come back to lab at 9pm for an experiment, it was no big deal--I lived close by and I had no other responsibilities. Looking back, I really did not think I would ever have children. Until my relationship ended and I met Bill. We fell in love quickly and it was intense. I suddenly knew we would get married and have kids. It was a wonder I got anything done at work during this time b/c I was so distracted! But just as quickly as our relationship began, Bill had to move to San Diego 6 months later to start his residency and I was left behind to finish up my PhD. I had about 2 years left, give or take.
After I graduated, I moved onto my postdoc in San Diego, Bill and I got married and we enjoyed our life in southern California. My postdoc was weird. I was finally in the same position as all the miserable people I met in grad school. I can't say I was miserable, but I did not have the same energy and optimism that I used to have. I still felt a bit inadequate, but I enjoyed the people I worked with (mostly). I was getting tired though. Tired of doing experiments that didn't work. Tired of writing all these grants for my boss. Tired of pretending my project was SO important, when really it was kind of boring, even to me. Speaking of my boss, she was as weird and inappropriate as they come--a huge contrast to all the mentors I had the pleasure of working with earlier in my career. But, I stayed 4 years, published a bunch and on paper, everything looked like I was moderately successful.
But the thing is, moderately successful doesn't really get you very far in science. To become a professor, you need to be uber successful and super dedicated in ways I will never be. There are very few positions available and a lot of postdocs who want those positions. Even getting a job in biotech/pharma isn't as easy as it used to be. You have to be willing to move anywhere to get the job and many if not most of these positions are not 9-5 types of jobs. I wasn't willing to move far away at that point. Bill and I had already been separated and by the time I was winding up my postdoc, I was pregnant with Lana. We were moving to Alexandria, VA for Bill's one year fellowship, so I thought I would stay home that year and then we will see if I want to go back to my career, depending on where we end up. I never went back and I don't really want to.
The biggest reason I am a stay at home mom is that I really enjoy being centered. I am never stressed out like I used to be. I have never had one night of insomnia since I stopped working. I don't feel torn between the kids and my job. I can't say every day is super fun, especially when the kids are sour and/or fussy, but overall, I try to enjoy them, have some fun, smile and laugh and make a decent dinner. My house is a mess, every closet unorganized, dirty dishes in the sink, but I don't care, I really don't. I'd rather play with the girls b/c that is why I am not working. I love sitting on the beach (if the damn sun would ever come out) on a Wednesday afternoon with Lana and I making a sandcastle. This is exactly why I am not working. If I was still a scientist, I would be bringing work home, doing literature searches instead of keeping this blog, writing papers and putting together presentations--all in the evenings. I would be feeling judged by my coworkers and boss for cutting out of work at 6pm so I could pick up the kids. Sadly, this persists in many environments in science, b/c working long hours is a badge of honor. I definitely don't miss the disappointments of experiments not working, grants not being funded and the constant criticisms/expectations. I definitely do miss getting a paycheck and the socializing with my coworkers. I suppose I also miss the intellectual aspect of my job, but frankly, I can read about new discoveries and understand research articles if I feel like it. But staying home is a good choice for our family b/c its good for me emotionally and health-wise and Bill's hours can be very long, so I am happy to provide the consistent schedule. I can't imagine us both having long hours--the kids would never see us.
So what did I say to this woman, whose daughter is interested in a career in science? I told her to come and talk to me if she wants to. I told her it was great when I was young, but its not very family-friendly and its hard to achieve balance. I hate to discourage and I really don't want to--I love to hear that young women are into science and math, but I also felt like honesty is important. I really feel like if its your dream, you gotta do it. I don't want to sound like those jaded post-docs. I really appreciate all of the mentoring support I received along the way and it was my dream and I did it. I just don't want to continue doing it b/c I feel like it will negatively impact our family life. I wish there was part-time or job sharing, but I have yet to hear of anything like that happening in this field. Ah, I just feel like I dished out some crappy advice to a young woman with her whole career ahead of her. I do hope she comes and talks to me, b/c its not a question I can answer in 2 sentences (obviously, this is quite the long post).
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Monday, June 7, 2010
A first caught on tape!
Last night Bill was giving Lacey a bath and happened to have the video camera rolling when she did something special. No, she did not toot in the tub or anything like that. Bill was so surprised, he almost dropped the camera. Try to ignore his goofy raspberries at the start--she is really good at razzing, so we are always mimicking her.
What are the chances of catching a "first" or any milestone on tape? Oh man, this makes me laugh every time and I have probably watched it 30 times. Lacey looks so surprised! The funny thing is, she is not really a mover--she doesn't crawl, not big on rolling around--she is pretty content to sit and observe, which is why Bill almost dropped the camera.
What a week!
Whoa, last week was a doozie, but I am happy to report things are on the upswing now. It all started on the long weekend when Lana got a fever. It lasted 3 days and then she seemed fine, no other symptoms, so we chalked it up to a fever virus. Except then I got a sore throat on Sunday, and then Lana started coughing on Monday. And then my voice changed to that of a man and I was coughing up a lung. And then Lacey got the fever on Wednesday, followed by mucho boogers and coughing and well, the three of us were siiiiiick. Ah yes, seems like your typical cold, passed around the family, no big deal. This one knocked me out though for some reason.
On Tuesday when I took Lana to school, after we dropped her off, I witnessed a car accident, right in front of me. In fact, I was lucky that I didn't get hit. Luckily the person wasn't injured, just scared. It really rattled me though and I have been much more alert at the wheel.
On Wednesday-Friday, we had major construction going on in the house, as we had drywall hung and sanded, the temporary wall taken down, opening up our kitchen (yay!), and the floors taken out. They also took out our cooktop and oven, so cooking was sort of not possible. This was all very exciting, very very messy and VERY LOUD! We packed things up and went to my mom's apartment on Thursday when the drywall was being sanded, you know, so we could breathe and all. The timing kind of sucked though since we were all sick with coughing chest colds and I have asthma. Lana had a few meltdowns due to the noise and being stuck upstairs in my bedroom for hours at a time with only me and Lacey and some toys. It wasn't pretty and it wasn't a showcase for my best parenting moments. Between the sickness and this incessant rain, I am losing it! I need summer and I need it now.
We just got our new stove delivered and hooked up, so we are back in action, although the layer of dirt everywhere is kind of fun in a rinse-before-you-use kind of way. Our new space is going to be great. We will have an eat-in kitchen, storage for coats and shoes, a huge new pantry space that will also store craft supplies and the best: a big deck that gets afternoon sun, for eating outside all summer long, once the damn rain stops. I keep reminding myself its going to be great! Bill says to me: you know, we were dreading the kitchen being ripped out and all the mess and craziness and really its not so bad! My response: HUH? You go to work! You are not here all day, listening to the noise. Lana is like--mooommmm, I want a snack! No, not those snacks, the ones in the kitchen--whine whine. Yeah, the kitchen we have no access to?! Oh brother!
Anyway, the week ended on a good note--we got one day of sunshine which allowed us to garden a bit and be outside, breathing fresh air and soaking up some Vitamin D. Also, we had Lana's birthday party on Sunday at the Children's Museum. I kept it super simple--we ordered pizza and did a Costco cake and I brought a fruit salad. I even socialized with all of our guests and my brain didn't explode--almost though. I have a really hard time with kids' b-day parties b/c all of the noise--the kids talking, the parents talking, keeping an eye on my kid while trying to have a normal conversation--I get overstimulated easily. I totally know how to have a dinner party, but for some reason, kids' b-day parties are overwhelming. I think its the sheer number of people. Dinner parties tend to be smaller and I do better in smaller crowds. Anyway, I ramble. The kids looked like they were having fun, so that's all that counts. It was also cute to see Lana hang with her friends without wanting me to be two feet away from her at all times. That kid is growing up, I tell ya!
It was a good ending to a challenging week. I am super excited about this week. Tonight: preschool graduation. Thursday: last day of school! I am also hopeful that the sun might come out as well!!! Yay, summer!
On Tuesday when I took Lana to school, after we dropped her off, I witnessed a car accident, right in front of me. In fact, I was lucky that I didn't get hit. Luckily the person wasn't injured, just scared. It really rattled me though and I have been much more alert at the wheel.
On Wednesday-Friday, we had major construction going on in the house, as we had drywall hung and sanded, the temporary wall taken down, opening up our kitchen (yay!), and the floors taken out. They also took out our cooktop and oven, so cooking was sort of not possible. This was all very exciting, very very messy and VERY LOUD! We packed things up and went to my mom's apartment on Thursday when the drywall was being sanded, you know, so we could breathe and all. The timing kind of sucked though since we were all sick with coughing chest colds and I have asthma. Lana had a few meltdowns due to the noise and being stuck upstairs in my bedroom for hours at a time with only me and Lacey and some toys. It wasn't pretty and it wasn't a showcase for my best parenting moments. Between the sickness and this incessant rain, I am losing it! I need summer and I need it now.
We just got our new stove delivered and hooked up, so we are back in action, although the layer of dirt everywhere is kind of fun in a rinse-before-you-use kind of way. Our new space is going to be great. We will have an eat-in kitchen, storage for coats and shoes, a huge new pantry space that will also store craft supplies and the best: a big deck that gets afternoon sun, for eating outside all summer long, once the damn rain stops. I keep reminding myself its going to be great! Bill says to me: you know, we were dreading the kitchen being ripped out and all the mess and craziness and really its not so bad! My response: HUH? You go to work! You are not here all day, listening to the noise. Lana is like--mooommmm, I want a snack! No, not those snacks, the ones in the kitchen--whine whine. Yeah, the kitchen we have no access to?! Oh brother!
Anyway, the week ended on a good note--we got one day of sunshine which allowed us to garden a bit and be outside, breathing fresh air and soaking up some Vitamin D. Also, we had Lana's birthday party on Sunday at the Children's Museum. I kept it super simple--we ordered pizza and did a Costco cake and I brought a fruit salad. I even socialized with all of our guests and my brain didn't explode--almost though. I have a really hard time with kids' b-day parties b/c all of the noise--the kids talking, the parents talking, keeping an eye on my kid while trying to have a normal conversation--I get overstimulated easily. I totally know how to have a dinner party, but for some reason, kids' b-day parties are overwhelming. I think its the sheer number of people. Dinner parties tend to be smaller and I do better in smaller crowds. Anyway, I ramble. The kids looked like they were having fun, so that's all that counts. It was also cute to see Lana hang with her friends without wanting me to be two feet away from her at all times. That kid is growing up, I tell ya!
It was a good ending to a challenging week. I am super excited about this week. Tonight: preschool graduation. Thursday: last day of school! I am also hopeful that the sun might come out as well!!! Yay, summer!
Monday, May 31, 2010
Happy 4th Birthday Lana!
Dear Lana,
Today you turn 4 years old! FOUR!!?!? Officially, this is big girl status. Of course you will always be my baby, but you are definitely not a baby. On the day you were born, I had absolutely no clue what it was going to be like to be your mom. The doctors wrapped you up tight and brought you to me and I gave you a kiss on your cute, round cheek and instantly I fell in love. Our love for you has grown exponentially each day and I am so grateful for you and what you bring to our family. You are a treasured gift and I hope you always feel that way.
This has been a big year for you! I have seen you grow in so many ways. Just one year ago, you were so afraid to leave me to go anywhere--to your Amma's, to school. Now you have so much independence and confidence. When I drop you off at school, you just jump out of the car and wave to me as you walk on in. You tell me all about your day when I pick you up. Who was there, who was out sick, what everyone brought for sharing, who was the special leader, who you played with and what you learned about. You sing all these wonderful songs from school and you have a lovely singing voice. There is nothing better when you smile and laugh--when you find something SO funny. I especially like it when you say, "You're funny mom!" I try.
You love to play pretend. We play "Coming over to your house", "Camp Out", "Call me if you need anything" and "Tea party". You build elaborate pillow forts in our bed. You love to jump on the bed and have Baba play wrestling with you. You love to roll or toss a ball down our hallway and laugh hysterically when one of us misses.
You enjoy crafts and everything creative, including cooking and baking. I love it that you focus and concentrate so much when you are doing art. I also love your creations and drawings. You always write: TO MAMA and FROM LANA in all caps. You can write most of the letters in caps and some in lowercase. You impress me with all the information you hold in your brain and how you can say words like "acidophilis" with such clarity.
You are a happy and polite child. You always say hello to friends and teachers and you are so kind and considerate to kids and adults alike. This makes me proud.
This year you became a big sister. I honestly was a little worried about how you would adapt to having a baby in the house and how you would handle everyone giving her all kinds of attention. But you, being so mature and all, are very proud to be Lacey's big sister. I love watching Lacey smile when you walk into the room. I love all the help you give me, both with baby care and around the house. I love that you are always gentle with Lacey and that you want to teach her everything. She is lucky to have a teacher like you.
I hope you had a nice birthday this year, even though you weren't feeling well. When you woke up this morning, the first thing you said was, "Its my birthday! I don't feel four."
For these past 4 years, you have brought us immeasurable joy and happiness. I can't believe you are already such a big kid and I can't wait to see what this next year brings. How we love you, sweet Lana!
XOXO, Mama and Baba
Today you turn 4 years old! FOUR!!?!? Officially, this is big girl status. Of course you will always be my baby, but you are definitely not a baby. On the day you were born, I had absolutely no clue what it was going to be like to be your mom. The doctors wrapped you up tight and brought you to me and I gave you a kiss on your cute, round cheek and instantly I fell in love. Our love for you has grown exponentially each day and I am so grateful for you and what you bring to our family. You are a treasured gift and I hope you always feel that way.
This has been a big year for you! I have seen you grow in so many ways. Just one year ago, you were so afraid to leave me to go anywhere--to your Amma's, to school. Now you have so much independence and confidence. When I drop you off at school, you just jump out of the car and wave to me as you walk on in. You tell me all about your day when I pick you up. Who was there, who was out sick, what everyone brought for sharing, who was the special leader, who you played with and what you learned about. You sing all these wonderful songs from school and you have a lovely singing voice. There is nothing better when you smile and laugh--when you find something SO funny. I especially like it when you say, "You're funny mom!" I try.
You love to play pretend. We play "Coming over to your house", "Camp Out", "Call me if you need anything" and "Tea party". You build elaborate pillow forts in our bed. You love to jump on the bed and have Baba play wrestling with you. You love to roll or toss a ball down our hallway and laugh hysterically when one of us misses.
You enjoy crafts and everything creative, including cooking and baking. I love it that you focus and concentrate so much when you are doing art. I also love your creations and drawings. You always write: TO MAMA and FROM LANA in all caps. You can write most of the letters in caps and some in lowercase. You impress me with all the information you hold in your brain and how you can say words like "acidophilis" with such clarity.
You are a happy and polite child. You always say hello to friends and teachers and you are so kind and considerate to kids and adults alike. This makes me proud.
This year you became a big sister. I honestly was a little worried about how you would adapt to having a baby in the house and how you would handle everyone giving her all kinds of attention. But you, being so mature and all, are very proud to be Lacey's big sister. I love watching Lacey smile when you walk into the room. I love all the help you give me, both with baby care and around the house. I love that you are always gentle with Lacey and that you want to teach her everything. She is lucky to have a teacher like you.
I hope you had a nice birthday this year, even though you weren't feeling well. When you woke up this morning, the first thing you said was, "Its my birthday! I don't feel four."
For these past 4 years, you have brought us immeasurable joy and happiness. I can't believe you are already such a big kid and I can't wait to see what this next year brings. How we love you, sweet Lana!
XOXO, Mama and Baba
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Gimme some earplugs
I know its a good thing that Lana has an extensive vocabulary, that she can pronounce very big words so clearly even a stranger can understand her. I know she has a lot going on in that brain of hers, that she is very creative, inquisitive and imaginative. These are great attributes and most of the time, we feel pleased and proud. But sometimes, for goodness sake I wish she would stop talking--for just a few minutes. Lana wakes up telling me all about her dreams--cool and interesting. This morning she came into my bed at 6:15am and proceeded to talk loudly and incessantly about phone numbers, while my eyes were still closed and I was barely conscious. Lana: "Mom, what is Miss Jamie's phone number?"
Me: (groggily and slurring my words): "I dunno, its on my pink phone."
Lana: "Mom, what is Auntie Mo's phone number?"
Me: "I dunno, its on my pink phone."
She kept it up for like 10 minutes asking me about everyone's phone number. Holy crap, I was wishing I could pull the covers over my head. The thing is, I am pretty used to her constant talking. I love our great conversations, her questions are priceless (although sometimes I feel like I am in the inquisition) and her observations make me laugh. But when she runs out of things to say, she just makes noise. When she is tired, she goes hyperspeed bonkers with the talking. When I am paying attention to Lacey--like if I am doing something indulgent like feeding her or changing her diaper, Lana just talks LOUDER.
I recently went to my bookclub and someone said they got rid of cable and I commented that I could not entertain that possibility any time soon b/c tv is the only thing that cuts the talking for a few minutes. Then I mentioned that I have the DVD in the car so that I can drive in peace safely without hearing, "Mom, look! Mom, let's play Simon says--mom, I can't see you touching your nose." My friend looked at me like I am the worst mom ever for using the tv to shut my kid up. But my friend has never spent a day with Lana. Sometimes when my inlaws drop off Lana after watching her all day, my MIL, who barely speaks English says, "Wow, Lana all day talk, talk, talk."
Most of the time the talking is a good thing, but some days when I am tired or I am just frustrated, I seriously need some earplugs. Imagine what this girl is going to do when she is a teenager and is always on the phone.
Me: (groggily and slurring my words): "I dunno, its on my pink phone."
Lana: "Mom, what is Auntie Mo's phone number?"
Me: "I dunno, its on my pink phone."
She kept it up for like 10 minutes asking me about everyone's phone number. Holy crap, I was wishing I could pull the covers over my head. The thing is, I am pretty used to her constant talking. I love our great conversations, her questions are priceless (although sometimes I feel like I am in the inquisition) and her observations make me laugh. But when she runs out of things to say, she just makes noise. When she is tired, she goes hyperspeed bonkers with the talking. When I am paying attention to Lacey--like if I am doing something indulgent like feeding her or changing her diaper, Lana just talks LOUDER.
I recently went to my bookclub and someone said they got rid of cable and I commented that I could not entertain that possibility any time soon b/c tv is the only thing that cuts the talking for a few minutes. Then I mentioned that I have the DVD in the car so that I can drive in peace safely without hearing, "Mom, look! Mom, let's play Simon says--mom, I can't see you touching your nose." My friend looked at me like I am the worst mom ever for using the tv to shut my kid up. But my friend has never spent a day with Lana. Sometimes when my inlaws drop off Lana after watching her all day, my MIL, who barely speaks English says, "Wow, Lana all day talk, talk, talk."
Most of the time the talking is a good thing, but some days when I am tired or I am just frustrated, I seriously need some earplugs. Imagine what this girl is going to do when she is a teenager and is always on the phone.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Feeling a little funky and clucked up
I am in a huge writing rut. I can't seem to find the energy and brainpower required to write complete sentences at the end of the day. I enjoy reading everyone else's blog, and I even manage to post comments, but when it comes to writing my own blog posts, I am just empty. During my busy days, I think about things I want to write about like the sucky things about not earning money, how to instill gratitude in the girls, how Lana is in a huge lying phase which is driving me bonkers, our magical trip to Disneyland and the Korean wedding we attended. But alas, at the end of the day when I finally get a turn to use the computer, all I can do is passively look at facebook, reply to a few emails and stare blankly at the tv. So I guess, I am in a funk of sorts.
I have been trying to curb the cursing out of my mouth. I wish Bill was on board b/c his cursing is ten times worse than mine. Lana, being the rule-follower that she is does not experiment with bad words b/c she knows they are bad words. She does however tell us not to "say that". So I have been coming up with alternative phrases for the common outbursts I have. Clearly Lana is paying attention b/c she was looking at my mom's feet which are in need of a pedicure and she says, "grandma, your heels are pretty clucked up." Indeed, clucked up is exactly how my brain feels at the end of the day. Hopefully, this phase will pass soon and I can get back to writing about the very exciting things I normally post about like sleep issues. Ha! Just kidding, what could be more boring than me complaining about how my baby doesn't sleep? Perhaps this is all related somehow...
I have been trying to curb the cursing out of my mouth. I wish Bill was on board b/c his cursing is ten times worse than mine. Lana, being the rule-follower that she is does not experiment with bad words b/c she knows they are bad words. She does however tell us not to "say that". So I have been coming up with alternative phrases for the common outbursts I have. Clearly Lana is paying attention b/c she was looking at my mom's feet which are in need of a pedicure and she says, "grandma, your heels are pretty clucked up." Indeed, clucked up is exactly how my brain feels at the end of the day. Hopefully, this phase will pass soon and I can get back to writing about the very exciting things I normally post about like sleep issues. Ha! Just kidding, what could be more boring than me complaining about how my baby doesn't sleep? Perhaps this is all related somehow...
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Gifts from Lacey
I spend so much time complaining about how Lacey does not sleep that I feel like I often overlook all of her good points which totally and completely overshadow the fact that we are a bit tired. She has given me so many gifts and there are so many things, big and small that I love about her.
- That smile! She smiles all day long. Especially when her Baba comes home. Sometimes I am a little jealous that she smiles the biggest for her dad, but I am glad mostly because he wanted a boy but got the world's biggest daddy's girl instead. He knows he is lucky indeed. Her smile now includes a tooth, which is so cute. She is so happy and so rarely fussy that when she is, I know its nap time. I really didn't know babies could be this smiley and happy.
- She is content to sit and play with her toys on a blanket, in the Pack N Play, on the floor of my bedroom. Lana was never content to sit and do anything when she was a baby. No kidding, I am not remembering this incorrectly. Lacey likes to explore her toys with her hands. She doesn't immediately put things into her mouth. She loves to pick up, drop, go after it and repeat. I can see the wheels turning in her head. She doesn't get frustrated too easily either unless she belly flops while reaching for something and gets stuck. Such a happy little bugger!
- I love Lacey's hands--the 4 little dimples over her knuckles, the pudgy wrists--ooh, I could just eat them up. I also love the bottoms of her feet. Her tushie is pretty cute too, unless it is stinky.
- I know I have covered this before, but it never gets old: baby giggles. Enough said.
- When you hold Lacey, she hugs you back. Love it!
- Lacey has given me the gift of confidence. I was a stress case when Lana was a baby. I didn't know what I was doing. She didn't seem happy. Lacey rewards me every day with confidence that I can do this--I can face each day with happiness and joy. I meet her needs and the needs of the family and I can do it without having a nervous breakdown. Plus, she is growing, pudgy and happy. Its a gift to be her mommy. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think this very thought.
- Lacey has also given me the gift of healing. She was born 4 weeks after my dad died and I know if she hadn't joined our family, I would be in a lot worse shape. It is amazing how a new life helps to heal the hole in my heart. I recently went to a funeral for my neighbor's 100 year old mother and although I clearly was not emotionally ready to attend a funeral, the pastor came up to me and Lacey, gave the baby a blessing and thanked me for bringing her to remind everyone about the circle of life. Having Lacey at this exact moment in my life has been a tremendous blessing. Its amazing what a little, innocent baby can teach us!
I can't wait to see what the next few months bring. I can't wait for the first words, the crawling, pulling up and walking. I can't wait to see Lacey interacting with Lana more. I do believe they are a gift to one another. While I have always been happy to be an only child, when I was growing up I often had fear that if something happened to my parents I would be all alone in the world (morbid, huh?). I do find comfort that if something happened to me, the girls will have each other. It is my wish that they are friends and have each others backs, although I know this is not always the way it is. When I was pregnant, I couldn't imagine what life was going to be like with two kids. I still often look at them and think, "Wow, I have TWO kids!" I certainly didn't anticipate all of the gifts Lacey would bring to our family and for that I am eternally grateful. I can't wait to see what the future holds for her and for all of us.
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