Separation Anxiety--better late than never

I have heard all my mom friends talk about separation anxiety and how much it sucks. Your child clinging for dear life onto you as if you are about to get on a one-way flight to Istanbul. I remember you all talking about this when the kiddos were around 9 months to 1 year of age. We never experienced it at all. Not a hint of it. Lana would always act like she could care less if I was around or not. Drop her off at my in-laws? "Bye Mommy!" and off she runs. Okay, this was a good thing b/c it made me feel like she was happy to be there and an independent spirit. But part of me wouldn't have minded if she liked missed me just a tiny bit.

Well, I got my wish. Since we have returned from our trip back east, Lana has been very attached to me. I like how she has progressively become more affectionate--hugs and kisses, but only on her terms. Whatever, I will take it. There is nothing like a hug with the pat, pat on the back. Love it! What I didn't bargain for, or fully appreciate, was the anxiety part of separation anxiety. Even if I drop her off at my in-laws, which I have been doing once a week for nearly a year now, she gets totally wigged out. It starts with a frown, then she hides her head, trying to fight back the tears and be brave, but ultimately she loses it and is bawling big ol tears all while clinging to my neck. Today my father in-law had to peel her off of me so I could get out the door. Apparently 5 min later she was fine. Ah, this may be old news for all of my 5 readers who experienced this a year ago or more, especially with those in preschool/daycare, but for me it is a whole new heartbreak and even though I know she is fine, I feel bad for her that she has fear. The whole time she is bawling, between sobs she says, "Mommy (sniff) always (sniff) comes back (sniff sniff). Why don't you just throw my heart on the floor and smash it into a thousand pieces. I will repeat my mantra of motherhood--ITS JUST A PHASE...

Ethnicity

I wasn't sure if I should post about this, but what the heck, its the internet and there is certainly more controversy elsewhere. I have been noticing that Lana seems to have a concept of her race at least to some degree. On one hand I am surprised by this, given her age, but on the other hand she does look in the mirror. So perhaps she is not so intuitive on complex concepts, but rather she is just seeing what is similar in herself and others from a very superficial level. She told me that she looks like June from the Little Einsteins, which is the Asian one. She also repeatedly gravitates toward other children that are either Asian or look Asian. Like when we were in Buffalo, there was a whole beach of children and she made a beeline for the family with the Asian dad and white mom--she played with the kids and ate their pretzels. Like I said, I doubt that she is feeling ethnic unity in others like herself--its probably just "hey they look like me". But its interesting anyway.

Then yesterday we were at the beach here (what is it with the beach to get me thinkin?) and this woman says to me:
Weird woman--is that your daughter?
Me--yes
Weird woman--what is she mixed with?
Me--Chinese
Weird woman--what are you?
Me--i am your basic white person.

WTH did she mean,"What are you?" Umm, homo sapien, purple people eater, alien? I am not exotic looking and my skin could not be paler. I mean, I am kind of getting used to answering questions about Lana b/c well she looks different and I suppose its natural to be curious. I do believe that while it is natural to be curious--KEEP YOUR CURIOSITY TO YOURSELF PEOPLE! Its freakin rude! I don't care about your ethnic background, quit asking me about Lana's or mine (that's a new one!) The weird thing is that where we live is very ethnically diverse--that was something I really liked about it when we visited. When I was growing up, I lived in a very white town--my high school had very very few minorities represented. Yet, I have grown up to not even see people's skin color. I don't see people as Chinese, Indian, African-American. They are just people and I would never ask anyone--"What are you? What are you mixed with? Did you get her from China?" The last question I like to respond with, "No, I got her from my uterus". My point is that I wish people would mind their own business and just say something like, "cute kid!"

Innocence of Childhood

There are some moments that I hope will always remain with me because not only do they make me smile, but they remind me of when I was a child. I love it when Lana makes a new discovery and she looks so serious and has true wonder in her eyes.

A few weeks ago, she put her ear to my stomach--she was just resting her head--and she popped up and said to me very seriously, "Mama, there are animals in your tummy!" I said, "Really? Did you hear something in Mama's tummy?" "YES!" She said. I asked, "What kind of animals are living in my belly?" She went back for a second listen. "Ribbit, Ribbit" she replied. "Oh, I see, there are froggies in Mama's tummy?" "Yes, Mama."

Just a few minutes ago, we were sitting on my bed and there was sun coming in the room--you could see some dust in the air (probably lethal amounts of dust since it has been forever since I have dusted our bedroom). She said, "Mama, there are little bubbles". I said, "No, that is dust in the air." "Little dandelions" is what she decided--like when you blow on the dandelions that have gone to seed. She looked so proud of herself, like she just solved a puzzle. I love that innocence. I love her perspective. I love that she can sympathize with the Little Einsteins when Annie loses her balloons--"Poor Annie. Little Einstein lost her balloons. They go to Seattle needle and will POP!" I love that she really believes that frogs live in my stomach.

I remember when I was little, I had lots of fears. I hope that she can avoid the monsters in the closet and can hold on to the frogs in my stomach, Santa, the tooth fairy, the coolness of her shadow, rainbows and all that good stuff.

Too bad our camera is busted

I just walked upstairs and found Lana on her little potty and Bill on the big potty and they are reading a book together. Okay, that photo may not be for public consumption, but it would be good blackmail fodder for the teenage years. Yesterday Lana was having some nudista time (as we call it) but she insisted on wearing her new sparkly pink shoes (ala grandma dianne)--so there she was all nekkid, wearing the dancing shoes, cooking in her play kitchen. Another priceless moment. Unfortunately, our digital camera is broken which is no surprise given my bad luck with electronics--I swear I get every lemon ever made! Or it could be user error.

I have been a bad blogger lately. I have so much to say, but so little alone time on the computer. The minute log on, I hear, "Mommy, mommy mommy, mommmeeeeeeeee". I told her I am changing my name to Stella and now she calls me "Stella Julie". Fabulous. Anyway, stay tuned, I will get out all my "deep" thoughts sooner or later.

She's a tape recorder

Lana has been saying the funniest things lately. Then I realized that I say all of these funny things, without even knowing it and she has picked it up. Its kinda weird hearing your strange phrases you say inadvertently repeated to you by a 2 year old. For example, everytime we leave the house she said, "Let's get outta here!" She says it when we are in stores too. I must say that a lot. Lana is really into her raspberry and blueberry bushes we planted so every day she says, "Let's see what's happenin with Lana's raspberry." What's happenin? Oh boy. Do I actually speak like this? I have been told before many times that I have some weird sayings/phrases. People say, "where the heck are you from?" "Buffalo, NY" I reply. Do we speak bizzaro there? I hear all my friends IRL replying a resounding "YES!" What is kind of sad is that she knows the words for headache, tummy not feel good and medicine, which has pretty much summed up my past year. Anyway Miss Lana is crackin me up and whatever her/my strange phrases are, at least she hasn't said the F word yet which would be straight from her father's vernacular.

We are back and in one piece!

Lana impressed me on this trip to see Grandma Dianne! I was so worried that she would be difficult on the plane or wouldn't adjust well to the time change or would be afraid of all the new people she would be meeting, but none of my fears were realized. She did great on the plane--thanks to my friend Jamie loaning me her portable DVD player. That thing is magical and you better believe we will be buying one before our next trip. No tantrums, no crying, no climbing all over mommy. Heck, I even bought a novel for the return trip b/c I had so much free time on my hands!

We had a blast with Grandma Dianne--lots of girl time (no offense to the boys) swimming, shopping, raspberry pickin and visiting relatives. It has been so long since I have visited Buffalo that most of my relatives still remember me as a teenager. I think it was a little odd for them to see me with a kid of my own. And I did hear the ever familiar--"you are a stay at home mom? What about that PhD?" Oh geez. But we had fun and it was relaxing. It was also nice for someone else to cook for me--food definitely tastes better when someone else makes it.

Grandma Dianne is planning on relocating to our neck of the woods this coming winter, which could not make me happier. I so look forward to Lana having a close relationship with her. She is a great mommy to me and a wonderful grandma to Lana, it will be so so nice to hang out more than twice a year!

Lana was so good during this whole trip. It really showed me that she is maturing--gone is that screaming baby--why oh why is she crying??? and now she is a sweet little girl (most days). I feel so confident now that I could travel with her just about anywhere, even without Bill. The best part of course was coming home. Poor Bill missed us so much--there was very little evidence of human life in our house. No trash, no dishes. I think all he did was work and go to his parents' house for meals. Its great to be all back together again.

I'm still here!

Where have I been, you may ask? Just busy, but still here. After my grandparents' visit, my dad and stepmom came for a few days and tomorrow Lana and I are going to my hometown to see my mommy!! This will only be my second time flying solo with Lana without a husband to share the fun (and give me a break). But this is a long flight--with a layover in Chicago and I am dreading it. Once we are at my mom's we will have a blast, but oh boy--that flight is going to test my patience. You see, Lana is not good at sitting still--at all! She lacks patience and she is LOUD! Should be fun, right? The good thing is that she is cute, so often people will forgive her 2 year old behavior and sometimes other travelers will remember what it was like when they had a 2 year old. But I am prepared for the looks, the hairy eyeball from all the twenty-somethings who have yet to experience parenthood and I will wish the worst kind of karma on them so that they eventually have little demons of their own one day. I was that twenty-something not too long ago. So wish me happy travels and I hope to have lots of fun pics to post when I get back.