My life with roundface and mei-mei

Our house

2011-10-05T13:03:00.000-07:00

And now for something completely different...

I feel like all of my posts have been re-iterations of the same themes, like I am a broken record. I have decided to try to do at least one post a month that has nothing to do with the kids. Perhaps I will write about something else going on in our life, or maybe even myself (gasp!). For the first branch out post, I will talk about what we have done to our home in more detail than anyone needs.

We have spent the last year and a half remodeling our house. The remodel has been finished now for about 6 months, but it has taken additional time to decorate and live in the now dust-free environment. We love love love the changes we have made. We moved in to this 100 year old house 4 years ago and we loved it because it was mostly remodeled--the kitchen and all the baths were pretty much brand new and tasteful. The bedrooms were large with big closets (so hard to find in an old house) and there was a lot of character--woodwork around stained glass windows, original fireplace, built-ins. But, what we didn't love was the pink carpet and paint in the living/dining space and the antique-y looking brass lighting fixtures. The worst was that we had no fridge in the kitchen! The previous owners were retired and when they did the kitchen remodel, they put in drawer style fridge and freezers, under the counter, so there was no free-standing fridge. Its probably okay for older people, but for a young family, it was a major pain in the ass. We liked their choices for cabinets, counters, etc. so we didn't want to go through the expense of a full-on kitchen remodel, so we re-arranged things and added cabinets. We also, blew out the back wall of the house and added an eat-in space to the kitchen, which has been a great space for messy meals (hello, kids!) and crafts. It also really opens up the floor plan. We also added a deck for outdoor space and re-landscaped, eliminating 90% of our ridiculous foliage and putting in edibles--fruit trees and a veggie garden and easy to maintain shrubs/flowers. In the Pacific NW the rain makes things grow like crazy, plus we never get too cold, so things grow year round--we learned the hard way that a big garden is way too much work.

We are so pleased with our changes, especially the eat-in space, where the kids can be kids and its easy to clean up. Our most recent update is that we finally got a real bed! Yes, we are in our mid-30s and we finally bought a bed and got the mattress up off the floor. I suppose now we are grown ups!

PICS! (disclaimer: its usually way more cluttered--I picked up for the pics)

The crazy part is, I took these pics to document our remodel but also because we are thinking about moving--hopefully not to a fixer!

Happy Birthday Lacey!

2011-09-28T13:54:00.001-07:00

One of the many surprises about motherhood is how emotional I feel on my kid's birthday. A mix of happy, nostalgic, a little sad and proud. A birthday really makes you look back at how they have grown and milestones they have achieved and it also makes you look forward to the year ahead, the good times you will enjoy together and the excitement of new discoveries. Sweet Lacey--you are TWO! I can't believe it!

Crap, I am already crying.

After we had Lana I wasn't entirely sure I wanted another baby, but Lacey, you have been such a blessing and a treasure to our family! I almost can't remember life before you came. Its true how your heart just opens up and loves the second baby, even if you think you couldn't possible love another human being as much as your first born. But now I know the truth--the love I have for you is unending and pure.

Lacey, you are sweet, sweet, sweet. At 2 years old you give hugs and kisses, just because, or when Lana is crying or if we ask for one. You love to laugh--anything that is funny to you just cracks you up and I never get tired of your belly laugh. You TALK, oh my goodness, the talking--in sentences and paragraphs. Of course, I usually need to translate for strangers, but we can usually understand your words, even the messed up ones like "aebee gub" (lady bug). You are so excited for your birthday--you tell everyone that you are "almost two", that you will have "docolate cake" (chocolate cake) that you will "share Nana" (share with Lana) and "party hats". You also sing Happy Birthday to yourself--"Happy Birtday to you, mei mei..."

At two you know a lot of stuff. You count from 1-13, then skip to 18, then clap. You can sing your ABCs. You can identify numbers 1-5 and a handful of letters. You also sing Twinkle twinkle, Row row row your boat and of course Happy Birthday. You know all your colors including the weird ones like pink, black, white and gray. You are quite obedient most of the time, you are helpful in cleaning up, you say please, thank you and sorry quite often. You also like to use the potty sometimes, but I think its only to get the jelly bean or swedish fish. You also call yourself Mei mei but if we ask you your name you always say Lacey. You love Curious George and Dora (ugh), you love to read books like The Runaway Bunny, Goodnight Moon and The Eye Book and you are just starting to experiment with Play-Doh and painting. You run and jump (almost). You play "cannonball" with Lana--jumping off the sofa onto a pile of cushions. You also love to play dance party in my room, wearing a tutu of course. You are quite coordinated and rarely fall, but when you do its no big deal, no tears or anything.

Lacey, your eating habits are horrendous. You eat 6 things + fruit + any junk food. Chicken noodle soup, spaghetti and meatballs, meatball soup, chinese rice soup with tofu, udon noodles with eddamame, chicken nuggets and french fries (that last one hurts a little to write). You are no longer allergic to dairy and we were excited to try to give you cheese and yogurt, but sadly the only benefit to your outgrown allergy has been ice cream. But you eat fruit, copious amounts of fruit and you are growing, so I am assuming you are okay.

Happy Birthday sweet girl. We love you more than words can express! I can't wait to see what the next year brings for you and us as a family.

Sweet spot

2011-09-22T21:54:00.000-07:00

You know how sometimes your kids are just behaving wonderfully, there are no major meltdowns or "issues" and you are just thinking--This is just great! Easy, even. We are in a good space. I could maybe even have another kid and it would be not that big of a deal! Well, life has not been like that lately in our house. I haven't really been blogging because at the end of the day I am worn out emotionally and I have nothing nice to write.

But, it is one of my parenting philosophies to find the good in every day. Find a moment or two that lift you up, that make you smile, that remind you how very lucky you are. My don't sweat the small stuff moments, because really things could be so much worse. So my favorite moments lately involve soaking in those smiles. The big smiles, the laughing ones--not the cheese for the camera smiles. Lana has a perfect symmetrical smile--those little white teeth in a perfect row. I love her smile and I may be a little sad when she starts losing the baby teeth. Lacey's smile involves dimples--one under her bottom lip, to the right, one on her cheek. She also giggles when she smiles sometimes. Love it.

Lana asks me everyday when Lacey will be able to follow directions and play pretend with her. I tell her soon--a few more months-- because I think 2.5 is one of those sweet spots, where they are not babies anymore. Today after school Lana wanted to play swimming, so she put on her swimsuit and jumped onto my bed to "swim". Lacey then asked for a swimsuit, plopped down on her belly and said, "sploosh, splash, sploosh, splash." We are so close Lana!!

I am also really loving the interaction between the girls. Okay, 85% of the time Lana is screaming, "NO LACEY! MOM she is _____". I know this is normal, but sheesh. Lacey just loves Lana, will do anything to get her attention and just wants to be like her. Lana is usually annoyed, but lately she has been showing sweetness to Lacey. This morning they both climbed into Lacey's crib and cuddled. Lacey was loving it. I almost passed out it was so cute.

So even though we are decidedly going through a rough patch with behavior and with parenting (I have not been winning any awards for patience lately), there are these little nuggets of sweetness--the ones that pull me out of my bad mood and make me so very grateful.

School, I heart thee

2011-09-16T21:35:00.000-07:00

We made it through the first week of Kindergarten! As I mentioned briefly before, Lana has been dealing with "the worries", worrying about anything and everything. It sounds like a silly phase, but in actuality it has been very difficult to deal with on a daily basis. It had become so intense that I spoke to her pediatrician and considered seeing a psychologist. The weeks leading up to school starting were the worst and even though I predicted that school would be just the distraction she needed, it felt like the constant cycle of worrying and reassuring and crying and hyperventilating would never cease. Ah yes, this is my genetic gift to her--I am sorry sweet Lana, its all my fault.

The first day of school Lana was visibly nervous, but once she was in her classroom, everything seemed peachy. She came home exhausted and I was so frustrated that bedtime was the same ridiculousness pattern about worrying about not being able to fall asleep and that once she was asleep a bad guy would get in the house and steal her, which resulted in crying like a banshee, me yelling (not my best choice here) and then her passing out at 10pm.

When I picked her up on the second day of school, Lana seemed so happy (tired, but happy) and she told me, "Mom, the second day of school is a LOT easier than the first!" At bedtime, she promptly fell asleep within 5 min and SLEPT ALL NIGHT. First time in weeks! No middle of the night crawling in bed with us, no being kicked in the kidneys or face!

We started a reward sticker chart for going to sleep without crying to earn a family game night. Before school started, it was hopeless--there were no stickers earned. This week, she did awesome, fell asleep without the crazies and tomorrow night is our very first family game night ever (after Lacey is in bed obviously). YAY SCHOOL!

Thank you school, thank you routine, thank you distraction, thank you socialization. You have made me sane, once again.

By far, the best part of this whole ordeal is that Lana seems happy. When the worries were at their worst, she seemed so distressed, all the time. I answered the same questions over and over again. She was bored and scared. Now Lana is back to smiling, laughing and her creative wheels are turning. She is constantly talking and imagining and asking curious questions. My happy kid is back. I am sure we haven't seen the last of the worries--I was exactly like that when I was little, but for now I am enjoying sweet and carefree Lana. Now if I could only pretend I am not feeling that sore throat...

Kindergarten

2011-09-12T13:29:00.001-07:00

FINALLY. The first day of school! Good grief, Lana's school starts late and I am more ready than she is! She always says, "Mom, are you actually HAPPY that I will be in school and you won't have to play with me?" Well, not exactly happy in a relieved sort of way, but happy because she needs to go back to school to be with her friends and have structured activities and learn all sorts of interesting things, as opposed to whining about how bored she is and how she doesn't feel like playing with the same old boring toys and how Lacey doesn't listen when she tries to play with her, blah, blah blah... I am sick of the whining and I am looking forward to hearing about new adventures and new accomplishments. Lana is that kid who really digs school--so off you go!

Unlike most of our peers, Kindergarten was not a big transition for us. Lana's preschool offers Kindergarten and we decided to keep her there instead of starting her at the local public school simply because we love her school and she is happy and secure there. I am so glad we made this decision because even though it is totally familiar to her--she knows 11 of the 15 kids in her class, as well as her teacher--she has been very very nervous about starting up again. I think its just a worrying type of phase, but it has been interfering with sleep (going to sleep and staying asleep) as well as general anxiety about becoming lost or separated from mom or abandoned, bad guys coming in the house, being stolen by a bad guy at the park or in a store--you know really uplifting things. Geesh. I am hoping that re-establishing the routine of school will give her security and self-confidence and she can get off the worrying and get back to being her fun-loving self.

As for Kindergarten, it does seem pretty much impossible that the little round-faced infant we brought home from the hospital all wrapped up like a burrito is now in elementary school. How did this happen so fast? In the blink of an eye.

Two years

2011-08-28T14:38:00.001-07:00

This weekend was the 2 year anniversary of my father's death. I have been fully aware of it, the dreaded date, that it was approaching. I am not an overly sentimental person, but there is something about my dad's birthday, Father's Day and the anniversary of his passing that just get me. I try to forget it, to remind myself that its just another day, but I still woke up in a bad mood and shed a few tears before even getting out of bed. Luckily we had a lot of fun things planned for the day, to keep me occupied and my BFF remembered and called me and that felt good too.

Most of the time I am okay. I remember in the days after he died, I wondered if I would feel true happiness and laughter again and how long it would take for me to not feel distracted by grief. But as time goes on, its true that it becomes easier and normalcy returns. Most days I don't think about the loss, but I definitely think about Dad, often in a happy way--like he would love this or he would think this is so funny. But then out of nowhere, something seemingly innocuous happens and bam--I am bawling my eyes out. Like when Amalah was pregnant and her father lost his battle with cancer. I regularly read her blog because she is so darn witty and funny and then I read those posts and her writing is so beautiful and poignant and wow, it was like re-living those final days all over again, except that she was actually there, with her dad and I was not.

In these two years, sadness and pain have given way to remembering the good memories, especially my dad's super hilarious sense of humor. Dad loved to laugh. Dad had this key chain, from one of those goofy novelty stores, called the Fart Master. It has sound effects for various toots like the Power, the Nervous, the Ripper, the Cough-Fart. You don't get the full effect unless you hear it in person. Its totally in bad taste, but it would make him laugh every time. My stepmom gave it to Lana (per Lana's request), so now we own our very own Fart Master key chain. What a legacy! He would think its funny that we are playing with the Fart Master, laughing away, thinking of him.

My stepmom also forwarded some photo albums from Dad's childhood and some really interesting artifacts from my paternal grandparents including recipes from the candy store my grandfather ran years ago. These recipes are hand written in a tiny black book and date back to the 1940s or 50s. Crazy cool stuff.

It's hard for me to look at the photos of Dad and I together. It just highlights the relationship that I miss. I can't believe it has been two years since I have talked to him, heard his voice, swapped a recipe. The biggest dagger to the heart though is that he was so excited to be a grandpa and he loved Lana so much, even though he didn't see her that often, but he died 31 days before Lacey was born. I wish he could have met Lacey, held her, watched her grow just a little bit. I knew this cancer would take his life, but I was hoping and praying for a year or two. Lacey is so much like my dad--she is a cuddler, she is funny and a little quiet, she has his long narrow feet. He would have just adored her! Lana claims to remember her grandpa, even though the last time she saw him she wasn't even 3. We talk about him a lot, things he used to say, things he loved. He loved being a grandpa. Loved it.

The other thing that continues to plague me, two years later is regret. I have regret--loads of it. When someone gets diagnosed with cancer, even if the prognosis is grim, doctors advise the patient to have a positive outlook--you have to have hope that you can beat it and win. There is plenty of research that shows that attitude makes a difference. I always tried to put a positive spin on things, even when there didn't seem to be any good news. We all tried to lift his spirits, tell him his fight would be worth it, that there was only one more round of chemo left and he could get a break. I know this was the right thing to do at the time, but I can't help feeling like I didn't get to really talk to him about his life, our life. I never thanked him for being a great father. I wish I would have visited him once a month, even though he was on the other side of the country because when a person is gone, they are gone forever and I should have just done it, despite the distance and cost. I also regret not being there for his final few days. Yes I was 36 weeks pregnant, but I wish now that I was there, like Amalah was, to hold his hand and have that conversation. I know he would have wanted me to keep Lacey safe in my belly and not travel, but I don't know if that feeling of regret will ever leave me.

My dad was a wonderful father. The best kind of dad that always loves you and supports you. He was never critical and I can't even remember one instance where he raised his voice. It has become clear to me, more than ever recently, that not everyone is blessed to have this kind of father. I just wish he was still here because I have so much I would have loved to share with him.

The questions and the talking

2011-08-21T21:31:00.000-07:00

We have two chatty chickadees in the house. We initially thought Lacey might be a little quieter than Lana, but now that she can talk, good grief, someone is always saying something, sometimes at the same time and sometimes they have "conversations" which involve them taking turns making some horrendous scream or other lovely noise.

Lana has always been a talker and she still is, but lately she has been asking really strange and thought-provoking questions, usually when we are driving. I try to jot them down in my phone (at stop lights) so I don't forget them and often I have no idea how to answer them (especially if its before I have had morning coffee). But I do my best to give an age-appropriate answer when I can. Here are a few of my favorite "burning questions":

Mom, do you ever feel like life is just one long dream?

Mom, how exactly do they build a car?

Mom, how does a zipper stick together?

Mom, what makes up air?

Mom, how do you see out of the black circle in your eye?

Mom, who was the first person to ever speak English?

Mom, can super hot water ever cause a fire?

Mom, how did God build our bodies?

Mom, I just don't know what in the world I am going to do for a job when I grow up!!!

As for Lacey, thankfully she is not asking me a bunch of questions I can't answer, but she is stringing words together to get her point across. She is saying a lot of words backwards, which I think is so cute and I will likely forget them over time, unless I write them down. Some words, nobody but me can understand, but then there are other words that come out clear as can be. Here are a few of my favorite Lacey-isms:

Faukee (coffee)
Ah kikis (hello kitty)
buck (cup)
VT (TV)
boppy (potty)
maymia (banana) (?)
boose (soup)
bose (soap)
money (yummy)
and my personal favorite sentence-- "Mama, where AHHH you?"

Sometimes my ears feel like they are going to fall off with the constant talking and noise, but then I am reminded by a facebook friend that there are many parents out there with kids who are nonverbal and it would be their wish to be able to communicate so frequently with their little ones. So its true, I am very blessed with my little chatty gals!

Summer 2011

2011-07-26T20:47:00.000-07:00

I get the award for laziest blogger on earth. Every day I think about a great blog post, but I just never find the time to get online. I have been *trying* to get on our elliptical twice a week and its nice to connect with the husband once in a while, as he has been working hard this summer. Lacey has been on a 5:15am awake for the day streak, which is not so fun and also it makes me so sleepy in the evenings, so again, no blogging. But whatever, here I am!!

This summer has been pretty fun so far, despite the horrendous weather we have been having. While the rest of the country bakes in a heat wave, we are freezing our arses off. Our weather has been downright fall-like. The mornings are gray, rainy and 55 ish and if we are lucky, the afternoons are gray, rainy and 65 ish. We get a tease of sunshine--one or two days, followed by another stretch of rain and chilly temps. The heat kicks on overnight, I use my seat heaters in the car and I have worn fleece. ITS JULY PEOPLES!!! This is just not right. Aside from this being really annoying and moderately depressing, it is so hard to keep the kids entertained--I mean, we have done all the indoor activities all damn winter--we want to get outside already! Starting tomorrow the weather peeps say sunshine--bring it on.

For some reason Lana did not want to do summer camps this year, so I didn't sign her up for any. She did a one week art class (one hour per day) last week and we will be doing her very first swim class starting next week, but that has left a lot of idle time, just hanging around the house. The first week at home was ugly. There was whining, misbehavior, boredom, even a tantrum of epic proportions that involved hyperventilating, breathing into a paper bag and tingly hands. Good grief! I thought, oh crapitty crap, its going to be a looonng summer. But shortly thereafter we got into a really good rhythm of playdates, playgrounds, the Children's Museum, the mall play area, special days (I get Tuesdays with Lacey only and Thursdays with Lana only), cooking together and family time on weekends. Its been good and busy and a lot of fun. I feel like a lot of really great things are happening: Lana is learning how to deal with free time, she is becoming more able to self-entertain. We have a lot of work to do in this arena, but she is getting better at it. Also, Lana and Lacey are bonding in real and meaningful ways. When Lana was in school, they didn't have much contact, but now Lana and Lacey spend huge chunks of time together, totally unstructured--but not unsupervised of course. Prior to summer vacation, Lana was kind of ambivalent toward Lacey. She was never aggressive or mean, but she never seemed to really care one way or another about having a sister. I can say my favorite part of summer vacation so far has been watching Lana and Lacey bond--they interact, laugh together and hug. Lacey is still a little young to take direction from Lana in terms of play, but once she hits that milestone, I anticipate things getting even better. Lana claps for Lacey when Lacey pees in the potty. Lana gets her the treat (and one for herself). They play peek-a-boo together. They jump on the bed together. They play 3 way catch (with me) with a foam football. They play in the wooden dollhouse and pretend to cook food, side-by-side. All of this is HUGE. And it absolutely warms my heart. Oh there are issues too. Lacey is obsessed with Little Einsteins and wants to watch it constantly, which annoys Lana (and me too) and Lana is always trying to get my attention if she perceives I am spending too much time with Lacey. I will say that I am really proud of the big sister Lana has become. She has really grown into the role.

We have done lots of fun stuff on our summer to do list, despite our crapola weather. We have hit all of our favorite parks, splash parks, the Animal Farm, Jetty Island (super awesome local beach you get to by ferry), Seattle Art Museum, the Aquarium, visiting grandma at work, painting pottery, indoor pools, picnics in the living room, popsicles, ice cream, gelato. Good stuff. Compared to last summer when Lacey still needed 2 naps, this summer we are free to have some fun outings without being too tethered to the house.

Lana has been so fun and funny. I love this age. LOVE IT! She asks me the most interesting and hard-to-answer questions. I have a running list, we call "Lana's Quagmires". Maybe I will post them someday. She is creative and innocent. She smiles and laughs more than ever. She is loyal and affectionate, promising that she will always live with us and always love us. Sometimes I just look at her, take in the moment and try to remember the feeling. How is it possible that there was a time when I thought I didn't want kids? I would have missed all of this great stuff.

Lacey is talking a ton. And dancing. She has started singing, which is so cute I might cry. She loves to pretend to drive, she hugs every stuffed animal, but especially Curious George and she shrieks and laughs at her big sister. She is very coordinated and loves to climb on things and she is working on learning to jump. I love that she loves books and water and running. She is a happy toddler, but she is showing signs that she is almost 2. Hopefully we will be spared from the worst of the terrible twos this time around. Here's hoping!

So that's what we have been up to. Hopefully I will get in a few more posts this summer. I have so much swirling around in my head. Until then, we will be trying to get outside to enjoy the rest of summertime!

I'm still alive...

2011-07-06T20:57:00.000-07:00

Sheesh, I haven't posted in forever. I guess I am just behind on life, as they say. Lots has happened since the beginning of June--preK graduation, Mondo Beyondo (!), a wonderful and overdue visit with my BFF, keeping busy (and sane) during summer vacay, the biggest and ugliest tantrum of all time and many random thoughts in between. I simply have no computer time now that Lana is home from school. But I am not complaining, we are having fun together (except for said tantrum) and staying busy with friends or just with one another. I hope to carve out some time to post and to comment on other blogs, but for now, we are just enjoying the sunshine, the parks and each other. Until next time..

The birthday party and baking emergency

2011-06-10T13:41:00.000-07:00

Kids birthday parties overstimulate me. I don't really enjoy attending them or hosting them--there is too much noise, too much chaos, too much sugar and I am supposed to keep one eye on my kid to make sure she is behaving nicely all while having an adult conversation with another parent. I always feel like I need some quiet time and a glass of wine afterward. But, they are part of childhood and we attend most of those that Lana is invited to, mostly because although I am not super-social, I recognize that Lana is indeed a social being and that this is important to her.

When it is our turn to plan and host Lana's birthday party, I am both excited and dreading it. Excited that its Lana's special day, but dreading that overstimulated feeling. Is it just me? Each year I have hosted Lana's party on the outside, meaning not in my home. I would love to literally be outdoors, but May in the Pacific NW is typically rainy and coolish. This year we had Lana's party at one of those indoor gymnastics places. In the past, I have made a bunch of food and the cake in a semi-fancy way, but in an attempt to keep it simple, this year I ordered pizza and made the cupcakes.

The cupcakes. I make them b/c of me and Lacey having that pesky dairy allergy, so that rules out most store-bought options and dammit, I want to eat the leftovers! I try to make them look really cute and festive, although I am not a baker at ALL. I am also not artsy/craftsy. The theme of the party this year was Hello Kitty and I was so excited that I scored this stencil in the shape of Hello Kitty's head that I could shake powdered sugar or sprinkles over and then presto--Hello Kitty's image on the cupcake. Lana was so excited too--she wanted to help make the cupcakes and shake the sprinkles, but I told her I needed to do it this time. My big mistake? I did not test the stencil until 11pm the night before the party. Guess what? It didn't work at all. It didn't look like Hello Kitty's head--its just looked like a blob of sprinkles. Bill even got in on the action--we whipped out all of our sprinkles, food coloring, gel and literally tried all kinds of possibilities to make Hello Kitty on a cupcake. Luckily I made an extra batch of cupcakes b/c we tossed at least 10 cupcakes during our experiment. Finally, we concluded that there would be no Hello Kitty on the freakin cupcakes and she was going to have to be okay with pink frosting with sparkly sprinkles. The end.

Or not. When I told her the next morning (the day of the party), she dissolved into tears, "Mom, I am so disappointed! I wanted Hello Kitty and you PROMISED! I am not going to have a Hello Kitty party with just plain cupcakes. Boo hoo hoo." Okay, I know she sounds like a brat, but she is not a roll-with-the-punches kind of kid and yeah, we have the drama--I have accepted it and usually I can let it bounce off me like nothing, but this time, I felt bad, like I let her down. So I ordered her to stop crying, get dressed and we are going to the grocery right NOW (its 7am). I had no real plan, I was just going to buy some stuff in the baking isle and make a final attempt.

I came home, Bill took the girls upstairs to play and I pulled this right out of my ass...

Not bad, huh? I took a big marshmallow (they were a bit stale--I found them in the pantry), sliced the end off of it, formed it into an oval and pinched the ears with my fingers. I added the eyes and nose (they are those flat sprinkles) with frosting as the glue and pink gel as the bow. I tried to do the whiskers, but they looked weird. When Lana saw them, she was SO excited! She said, "Mom, if you take a picture of this and you put it on the internet, you are going to be famous!" Too funny.

The party itself was fine, crazy as expected, but I have wonderful friends who helped me get set up and cleaned up after. I wish I could just learn to chill and enjoy myself, but yeesh--the chaos, the noise...oh man.

Here is the birthday girl enjoying her party. She looks kinda pale and sleepy--turns out she was battling a virus, what we have affectionately (or not) termed, "the swollen gland disease". It turned out to be nothing except a really big swollen gland that resolved on its own, but thanks to the pediatrician, we were freaking out that it was something much scarier. Anyway, here she is...

Her major award

2011-06-06T20:22:00.000-07:00

Lana's school has an end of the year BBQ at a local park. Its a potluck kind of thing and the kids have a huge playground for burning energy. Each year the school raffles off the ginormous baskets of goodies. Each class donates items around a theme, so there was an art basket, an outdoor fun basket, a family game night basket, etc. The parents are pretty generous, so you can imagine that these baskets are pretty amazing. The teachers spend all week explaining the concept of a raffle--that there are only 6 baskets and 60 families--so you might be disappointed if you don't win, etc. Last year, there were many tears after the raffle (Lana was one of them), so this year we talked a lot about it and that we would buy some tickets, but we probably won't win.

So there we are, at the BBQ and they get to the much-coveted art basket and they call Lana's name! She just sat there--like a statue. They repeat her name, looking around for her. She sat, still as a statue. Finally, I called for Lana to stand up already! She did and accepted her HUGE basket of art supplies, which was bigger than she was--she could barely walk with it and to say she was excited is a gross understatement.

The whole ride home, she said--"I can't believe I won the art basket. I can't believe I won the art basket." Over and over again, like 100 times. When we got home, she tore into it, like its Christmas morning (which is why I have no photo) and I had to rip her away from the crafting to go to bed.

The next day, she says, "Mom, what if Miss Y read the wrong name on the ticket and I didn't really win the art basket after all. What if its all a big mistake and the name on the ticket was a different name that begins with L." After a giggle and some reassurance, she went right back to work, creating and drawing and making a holy hell of a mess of glitter.

I thought it was so funny that Lana acted like she won an academy award and that it was so amazing that she felt like she didn't even deserve it, like the honor should have gone to someone else. Its also funny that something like winning a raffle is like a MAJOR thing when you are 5. I mean, we all buy raffle tickets and then don't even give it a second thought because really its nearly impossible to win and if you do, its just dumb luck. For her, this was something she will remember for a very long time. I love the innocence of childhood.

Lana, you are five!?!

2011-05-31T12:50:00.000-07:00

Dear Lana,

Today you are five years old. How? It seems like yesterday you were just a tiny baby with lots of black hair, screaming and crying all day long. Now, my sweet, you are a big kid, a mini-adult sometimes, you are funny, creative, so smart and my little friend.

You are so much like Baba in so many ways. You look like him, you act like him, you have a very special bond with your Baba. You love to watch basketball together and you remember all of the team abbreviations and uniform colors. You also watch wrestling together, all while I am rolling my eyes right out of my head. You love to work in the garden with Baba and kick a ball (you are a great kicker). I love to watch the two of you together and I love how you both love each other so much.

This year has been such a fun year to watch you grow. You love school and your teacher. You love to get your work on the best work wall. You have an amazing vocabulary and you never forget anything--sometimes its scary what's going on in that head of yours. You have learned to write beautifully and I love it when you write me notes, with little drawings of you and me together. I wish I could save every single one along with all of your artwork, but I don't think the house is big enough for all that you create. I do save my very favorites, but I treasure each one in my heart. Your artwork is simply amazing and I have loved watching your drawings become more detailed and complex over this past year. You have also started reading a bit, but like most things, you demand perfection from yourself and if you struggle, you tend to give up. I know your confidence will grow and you will be reading and riding that bike when you decide you will succeed.

One of my favorite things about you, Lana, is your heart--you are so kind and thoughtful. You are never mean, not even to Lacey, not even when she is annoying you. You are nice to adults, to friends, to your family. You want to send people cards and notes and art just because or when they are sick or sad. You love to talk to people--in elevators, in Target, anywhere really. You always ask the cashier his/her name, you know all of the employees at the grocery store by name and you always stop to say hi--Sue in flowers, Mark in meat, Jenny at the pharmacy, Mel, Julie, Yvonne at checkout. I am so impressed with how outgoing you are--you don't get that from me!

You have lots of toys and games, but really you don't play with them all that much. You always want someone to play pretend with you--elaborate games of pretend. I love listening to your creative mind as you bounce all over the room telling me about the party we are planning, your friend who is visiting from India or how very sick Hello Kitty is and how she needs surgery.

This year you have become more affectionate, which I love. I will take any and all hugs and kisses you are willing to give. You love to hold hands and even though you are getting a little bit big to carry, I will oblige while I can. I love our special days together when its just you and I--doing big girl things, having ladies lunch and cooking together. I also love how you are starting to include Lacey in your playtime. I know this takes a lot of patience. I hope you know how much you are loved and treasured in our family. Happy Birthday my sweet Lana Ru!

Love, Mama and Baba

Miss Picky

2011-05-23T22:14:00.000-07:00

Lacey is on a food jag. Just as I was starting to relax a bit with her picky eating and sing the praises of occupational therapy, she has decided to boycott all protein and veggies. That would be no dairy (allergic), no eggs, no meat, no tofu, no veggies except roasted seaweed snack from Trader Joes (that stuff rocks!). She only eats pasta (with or without marinara) bread and fruit. Oh, and junk food--she is all over junk food. Fries, soy ice cream, popsicles, potato chips, cookies, jellybeans. I keep telling myself its a phase, that she will be fine and eventually will eat something with nutritional value. Its in sharp contrast with Lana, who eats great! I asked Lana what she wants for her birthday dinner--she said, grilled fish and broccoli pasta. I love that kid!

Speaking of birthdays, I can't believe Lana is turning 5. I have been so teary when reading other moms' birthday tributes and letters. I just feel so emotional about this one for some reason.

Our big trip to SUNSHINE!

2011-05-09T14:42:00.001-07:00

This time of year in the Pacific NW can be really really rainy. The weather here doesn't really bother me since I like cool-ish weather, but this year has been extra rainy, gloomy and even the natives are complaining. So, we took a get-away-from-the-rain vacay to the Caribbean!! Yeah, I know its far, but last year when we went to Hawaii, it was too cool to swim which defeats the whole purpose of going somewhere sunny. We saw the wonderful-looking commercials for Beaches, the family resort in Turks and Caicos and after talking with some friends who went last year, we bit the bullet!

Bill loves to travel, its his hobby and passion. Before we had kids, we had neither the time nor money to travel big, but we did manage a few amazing trips to Italy, the Mexican Riviera and Taiwan and a bunch of fun domestic travel. Now we have more time and money, but we have the kids and we don't have the luxury of leaving them with grandparents for a grown up vacation, so we just suck it up and travel with them. Which of course means its going to be a different kind of getaway--not bad, just not as relaxing.

Lana has traveled a lot in her young life. When she was under 2, we were THAT family--you know, the one with the screaming kid and the parents passing the kid back and forth, sweating b/c they felt the eyes of judgement from the other passengers. Now, Lana is easy peasy. She colors, she snacks, she plays her Leapster, she lays down if she feels tired. She adapts well to changes in schedule (finally!!), eats whatever and is generally in a happy mood. Lacey, my sweet, easygoing kid hit the 18 month hellion phase days before we left and all I have to say is, "WTH was I thinking taking an 18 month old on such a big, long trip?" The flights were painful with her, her schedule was all over the place, she barely slept 8h/night. Miss Crabby Pants? Oh yeah, that's an understatement. Patient in restaurants? Hell no. After 7 days we were really looking forward to getting her home and back on track--better eating habits, better sleeping.

Despite all of that, we did have a really nice time. I could go all trip advisor on you and lay down the plusses and minuses about Beaches, because while there were some truly amazing things about the place, there were also some things that could have and should have been a lot better (at that price point), but I will just get some photos out there b/c that's what counts. We did have a wonderful time and I would love to go back to the Caribbean (hello, the beautiful, warm water), but I probably wouldn't do an all-inclusive again because with kids this young, we didn't take advantage of most of the things that make the all-inclusive awesome--unless you count the tropical drinks--we definitely made the most of that--lol! So here are the many pics of smiling and sleeping kids because all of that swimming tires you out!

Memory lane

2011-05-08T22:00:00.000-07:00

I was recently looking at old posts, more specifically, the first few months of my blog when Lana was about 23 months old. I can almost not remember her being that young. Yes, the memories are intact, but when I look at her face in the photos, it seems almost unreal that she was ever that little, that babyish, that chubby roundface slurping noodles and saying words like "mahna" for cat. My brain cannot access her at that age! She has always been speaking in complete sentences, telling me elaborate stories, asking me ridiculously hard questions , right? Lacey is now 19 months old and it occurred to me that in a few years I am not going to be able to imagine her a toddler-baby. I wonder what she will be like at nearly 5. But I am sure it will seem unreal too that she was once tiny little girl with barely any hair that loved to wash her hands with "bose" (soap) just so she could see the bubbles or walk around the house nekkid, only wearing Lana's shoes. Ahh, it happens so fast--the baby becomes the toddler, the toddler becomes the big kid (I cannot even conceive of what's coming next!). But I am so glad I have this blog to document the details that my brain is sure to forget.

While I was meandering through old posts, I came across the post when I found out dad had cancer and I read the comments. Then I read the comments after the post when dad lost his battle. These comments from friends, some of whom I have met, some I have not, have literally held me up, gotten me through. The support, the friendship, the love and hugs I have felt, whether its a post about frustration in parenting, a silly kid story or a major family or personal crisis is truly an unmeasurable gift and I have so much gratitude for each and every comment. Having this blog is so much more than a baby book.

I haven't been very good at posting lately, but after looking at some of those early stories and photos, I feel inspired to find some time to record the details--of the kids, of my inner-thoughts, of our family life because time passes way too quickly.

I am all done. Really!

2011-05-03T20:49:00.000-07:00

As we are getting our shoes on to head out to the park today Lana determines that Lacey's shoes are too small.

She says, "Mom, you better put those shoes away and save them for the new baby."

I am like, "Huh? What new baby?"

She replies--"You know, the one you are going to have next."

Dumbfounded, I say, "Lana, there will not be any more babies. Mommy is all done."

She says (with a bit of attitude), "I don't think so Mom."

Clearly, Bill has been brainwashing Lana.

A good rubdown

2011-04-07T21:19:00.001-07:00

Yeesh, I have a half dozen, started but then abandoned posts. They were once good ideas, but oh well. Hopefully this one will stick!

While Lacey has a delightful personality, full of sweetness and kisses and smiles, there have been some big frustrations with her development. She is a lousy sleeper and a super picky eater. I know I have crabbed about this endlessly in the past, but I wanted to revisit this because things have somewhat improved.

My pediatrician has suggested multiple times to take Lacey to see an occupational therapist who deals with feeding issues. At first, I thought--what, every picky eater now has a "disorder"? Give me a break. But then I noticed that Lacey never ever mouthed toys, even when she was teething, she never chewed on her fingers, she never put anything other than food in her mouth (except for little bits of toilet paper--weird) which I thought was odd for a toddler. So I figured, what the heck, I will take her in and see what they say.

The big issues with Lacey were that she rejected almost all veggies and didn't really like to pick up foods with her hands and feed herself. The only veggie she would eat is peas, BUT they had to be in a soup and spoon fed to her. A spoon of just peas would be spit out, a bowl of peas dumped on the floor. She would not touch pea and put it in her mouth. There were other foods that met a similar reaction--fine if spoon fed, but she would not self-feed. Her list of tolerable foods were limited to 3 different homemade soups (meat or tofu, veggie, starch), which of course is very limiting. So, after a 2 hour interview and watching Lacey eat things she will eat and foods that are more challenging for her, the OT said she had a very mild sensory issue categorized as tactile defensiveness. She explained it to me that certain textures made her feel extremely anxious--fight or flight anxious. It also may contribute to her horrendous sleep patterns--at the time, she was waking 2-5 times per night crying and we let her CIO each time. It never got better, i.e. she never "learned" to stay asleep.

The OT showed me how to give her a very specific massage where you squeeze her arms and legs and do mini compressions on her shoulders, wrists, hips, and knees. She loves it! I am supposed to do it at least 5 times a day and the idea is that it helps desensitize her nervous system so that texture and touching things doesn't feel so scary. Seems kinda goofy to me, but I gave it a try and I can definitely see an improvement. She has expanded her list of acceptable foods and is more open to trying new things, even if it ends up on the floor. As far as her sleep goes, the OT told me to try a thick quilt or weighted blanket, which sometimes helps them feel that squeeze feeling when they sleep. It was amazing--she sleeps through the night probably 50% of the time and wakes once the other 50% of the time! HUGE! I will take it!

I also read that book How to Get Your Kid to Eat, But Not Too Much (Thanks LauraC!), which I think really improved my own response and attitude to feeding a picky eater. I try really hard to leave it up to her to decide how much to eat and whether to eat, but I'd be lying if I said it didn't affect me when she doesn't eat dinner. I take it personally, which is ridiculous! I really try to just put the food in front of her and she eats what she eats, no pressure. I only offer new foods alongside foods I know she likes, this way if she doesn't like the new food, she has something to eat at least. The book was very helpful overall and I am happy to see an improvement.

One other thing that has helped so much is that I taught her how to use a spoon and fork. She will now self-feed cooked carrots, cooked celery, cooked spinach and cooked canned tomatoes, using a fork. This is an amazing feat, considering we have only been doing the therapy for a couple of months. I don't need to take her back to the OT, just keep up the massage.

Oh, and another thing--I have been so frustrated b/c I cannot get her off the boob! She wouldn't take soy milk or rice milk, so I was giving her fortified OJ in a sippy cup, which just felt like a piss poor substitute for breastmilk. So I crossed over to the dark side and gave her chocolate soymilk--she sucked that down no problem! Now she asks for her "mih". I am down to one session of breastfeeding right before bed which is about to go in a few weeks. I really did not want to be breastfeeding for this long, but she is such a cuddle bug, its so hard to give up!

So I will continue to try new foods with her and give her a little squeeze a few times a day--sometimes she will even squeeze me back and say, "Skeeze!" Love that kid!

Getting back to blogging with some photos!

2011-03-22T21:01:00.000-07:00

I would really like to get back into blogging more regularly. Sometimes I forget that a post can be a quick story or a few photos instead of an inner-thoughts type of sentimental rambling. So here are some photos--a lot of photos taken over the past several months. We love our new camera, although we are still getting the hang of it, as you can probably tell.

Parenting fail

2011-03-03T22:01:00.000-08:00

One of our very worst habits as parents is that Bill and I curse. A lot. In front of the kids. I know, not good. I always try to switch out a bad word for a less bad word or spelling out the curse word, but then I drive somewhere and somebody cuts me off or pulls some crazy move and there I am, dropping the F-bomb with my kids in the back. Bill curses 100 times more than me--sometimes multiple curses in a sentence. Its like he is in college! Boys curse in the operating room, but he is one of the worst offenders. I wonder what those nurses think--hmm. Anyway, we know its a bad habit and Lana is aware of the cursing and that its not good. She even made a curse jar for us, but Bill never pays up. I have told her that there are some words that adults are allowed to say in certain situations, but kids are never allowed to say and its unfair, but too bad. Luckily, she has experimented very little with the bad words and she has never embarrassed me with them in public.

So the other night I am in the shower with Lana and she is always drawing on the walls of the shower door when it gets all steamy. And then she writes out (in very nice handwriting): S-H-I-T. Nice. Four years old and she writes shit on the shower door. Oops. I guess the whole spelling out the curse word backfired on me.

Still here and a bit of randomness/updating

2011-03-01T21:27:00.001-08:00

Geez, February just blew past me and here we are in March! How did that happen? I can't say I have anything profound to report, other than just life and me being too tired and lazy to blog in the evenings. February did kind of suck because of the plague we all had that sucked 3 weeks away from us. I seriously hope next year's flu vaccine gets it right because I never want to have influenza again. Even after we were all well again, it took another week for us to regain our energy, appetite and not to have bags under our eyes. But we recovered just in time for a little travel, winter break with a little winter weather and BOOM--its March.

Our life for the past 6 weeks or so in a nutshell:

Lacey started Little Gym and she loves it, especially the singing and the balls and bubbles. I was worried she might be clingy, but she is actually very social, well, as social as 17 month olds can be.

Lana went on her very first ski weekend with Bill. Lacey and I stayed home b/c I didn't think Lacey could handle a long car ride. I started a lengthy post about this, but who am I kidding, I may never get to it. Lana took a ski lesson and she rocked it! She is not really into physical pursuits, but with her, new experiences are mostly mental and if she decides she is going to have fun, then she will. She did great and apparently was very confident for her first time and even though she fell a bunch, she didn't get discouraged. Bill took a video of her skiing with the instructor and I had to laugh b/c you see her skiing and then you hear her talking incessantly to the teacher--constant chatter about who knows what! Totally Lana.

Lana has been super duper high energy lately. What I mean is that she is bouncing off the walls. Literally. Maybe she has winter doldrums. I am constantly telling her to calm down. She also does this thing where she will ask a question and before you even inhale to answer it, she is asking it again and again and again. Holy crap kid, you have to be quiet for like 2 seconds so I can answer. I think its b/c she is wrangling for attention with her sister, but it drives me nuts. She is such a great kid and I enjoy her so much, but I often feel like I am constantly telling her to reign it in.

Lacey is doing so many cute things. She is obsessed with Curious George and has a stuffy she sleeps with (she rubs his ears). When she sees George on TV or in a book she yells, "EEORGE, eeorgie, eeorgie!" Its hilarious. She also is talking a ton and is so very affectionate, giving kisses and hugs and snuggles. Oh yeah, I love it. On the down side, she is really clingy and does not want me in the kitchen at all, not even for a minute. She cries and fusses and pushes me away from the counter or sink. She cries, "UP!" anytime another adult is in the room b/c she is afraid that I may bolt if I am not holding her. I can't wait for that phase to pass. I have such a strong right arm from carrying her on my hip.

We had a lovely weekend getaway (Bill had a conference) and we all had a great time. The kids were both remarkably well-behaved and happy. Bill and I both got to visit with friends and colleagues from our past. It was very satisfying and it got me thinking, not only about the past, but about the future. I know that I am being kind of vague, but suffice it to say that I was feeling more than a little introspective about my career--where I have been, where I want to go (maybe). A topic for another time for sure.

Things have been good. We spend a lot of time with our parents on the weekends. We have Sunday dinners with Bill's parents and my mom. We go to birthday parties, Costco, out to lunch. Nothing truly earth-shattering, but I like things this way--stable, happy, safe. Bill and I even went on a few dates recently, which were really fun. Its been good. The only thing I would like to change is that I would like to have a little bit of time to myself. I haven't figured out how to make this happen, but I think it would be afford me a little extra patience and would recharge my batteries. I would also love to socialize with friends and tackle To Do lists and organize cabinets, hang photos on the walls, but really these things are just the icing on the cake and we are busy enjoying the cake right now.

My week in bed

2011-02-05T20:47:00.000-08:00

Not sure what I was complaining about last week, having one sick kid and feeling a little cabin fever. Turns out it could get worse--Lana and I came down with the disease and oh yeah, it sucked. This was not your ordinary cold--this was one of the worst sicknesses I can remember! Lana stayed home from school all 5 days and we spent 4 out of 5 of those days laying in bed, watching obscene amounts of TV. Thank goodness for On Demand.

It started last Sunday with a fever for Lana and a sore throat for me. At this point, Lacey just got rid of her fever (5 days later!) and still wasn't eating anything other than fruit. Monday I was really starting to feel bad, but it was like a really bad cold, nothing more. It was hard to have both kids at home and feel so sick myself. Lana needed extra attention, while Lacey was busy being a crabass and tearing up the house. It was a long day. On Tuesday morning, I called my inlaws to see if they could watch Lacey and I am so glad I did b/c I took a turn for the worse--I had massive pain in my face around my sinuses, couldn't breathe at all, at one point I started coughing and dry heaving all over the place, then I spiked a fever. Lana was acting fine as long as her fever was down with meds. She wanted to play and color and I wanted to put my head on the table. I was in bad shape. Of course, Bill had a meeting at night, so he wasn't coming home till 8 or 9pm. I started antibiotics and did the neti pot and whined and complained.

The rest of the week my inlaws took Lacey, so Lana and I could rest. We basically would watch a ton of TV, play a few board games, colored, did a couple of crafts and then spent lots of time in bed--I tried to sleep while she played Leapster or watched Phineas and Ferb. I kept waiting for Lana's fever to go away, but it kept coming back. Today was her first fever-free day. The funny thing is that while our cold symptoms were pretty severe, they weren't the worst ever. The worst part of this bug was the loss of appetite and fatigue. I feel so bad I was obsessing and trying to get Lacey to eat last week when she had this. Now that I have experienced it, no wonder she didn't want to eat! I felt so weak and shaky, probably b/c I haven't been eating much (and still lactating--not a good combo). Seriously, it was so hard to take care of the girls feeling so physically zapped. I have never been knocked out a whole week by a cold.

My inlaws were AWESOME. They really came through for me this week. I am not sure what I would have done without them. Not only did they take care of Lacey Tues-Fri, but they also made dinner and packed it in little tupperwares for the entire week, so that I didn't have to cook for Bill (since he was the only one eating anything other than soup). How lucky am I?

But, we are finally on the mend. Lana and I ate a somewhat normal meal and we both fit in a nap this afternoon. I feel like I have turned the corner. Lana seems fine, but she always does--that kid could survive on fruit and sugar. I am glad we are recovering. Just in time too--Bill is next. I hope he doesn't get as knocked out as we did.

Winter sickies

2011-01-29T21:59:00.001-08:00

I have about 15 unfinished posts about somewhat interesting topics, but I haven't been able to complete them for whatever reason. This week has been less than stellar. Lacey has some type of plague. It started with croup overnight followed by a fever and then standard cold symptoms. She is still spiking fevers (its been 5 days now), she has absolutely no appetite, although she is drinking plenty, her cough is nasty and she looks like crap. I took her to the peds twice to have her checked for EI, strep, bronchitis, but she is looking clear of infection. I figured she would be on the upswing by now, but no deal. Today we had the pleasure of our very first cough-till-ya-puke experience. Poor Lacey, we felt so bad for her. At least she did me a favor and gave it up on the hardwood floor instead of the carpet. Since she is totally disinterested in food we blended frozen blueberries/raspberries/blackberries with silken tofu and some juice and we spoon fed her that over the course of the day. She wouldn't take any chicken noodle soup or soft bread or cheerios even. Poor little bugger.

I have not left the house all week other than preschool dropoff/pickup and going to the peds, which is kind of tough for me. Even though I am not a super-social person, I get cabin fever easily. I am not the stay at home mom that actually stays at home! Hopefully she turns a corner tomorrow or we will be going back to the pediatrician. Just in time, Lana, Bill and I all have sore throats--here comes Round 2! Ugh.

I thought last winter was bad with the sickness, but this year has been worse. We have had 4 colds since Christmas, roughly one/week. That doesn't count the 10 we have had since September. Luckily, the first 14 colds have been pretty mild and normal in duration, but this one has the potential of knocking us out. We have blown through the Costco sized tissues and its only January! We are getting ready to do a bunch of traveling, I really hope we get the sickies our of the way before our trips.

So that's me whining about illness. It could be worse though, it could always be worse.

I am also feeling pretty low this week b/c I heard that a co-worker of mine from my postdoc passed away unexpectedly. He was 38 and leaves behind a wife and two very young children. I can't stop thinking about it, the senseless tragedy of it, how his wife and kids will carry on. I know many people think that everything happens for a reason and its God's plan and all that, but I don't really see how his kids will be better off without him. Plus, he was a really nice person, who was really smart and successful.

Well, that was depressing. It also puts things into perspective, like not being able to leave the house b/c your kid is a booger factory. Totally not a big deal. At all.

Ho-hum

2011-01-20T15:26:00.000-08:00

I don't think I am in a funk or anything, but life has been just...there. Routine. Normal. I don't want to tempt the fates because sometimes not very exciting is actually okay. I'll definitely take it over something catastrophic, but I have not been feeling very inspired to blog, to socialize, to tackle projects, etc. Maybe its the post-holiday lull, or maybe its the rain, although I totally hesitate to crab about the weather here--its been in the high 40s/low 50s which is pretty awesome for January even if its a bit gray. Things have been just a bit--meh.

We have been spending a lot of time planning a vacation! To a warm place, with sun! In April! This is good, very good. The sucky part will be getting there--its a long journey with the kids, although I am not the least bit worried about Lana, its Lacey--she is not going to sit nicely in the seat on the plane. But once we get there, it should be good--it better be good!

We have also finally upgraded our camera and got a digital SLR. Our point and shoot was incapable of capturing Lacey b/c every time we clicked, she moved and we would either get a blurry shot or one of those drunk-looking eyes half open shots. I actually felt like we were not documenting her properly in photos, so now we are getting to know our new camera and I promise some super great photos soon of Lacey in all her cuteness. Lana too, but she is far more cooperative with holding still and smiling. Plus we have a million photos of Lana and like 3 of Lacey--poor second child!

Instead of being a super snappy blogger these days, I have been really trying to stay on top of things around the house. Nothing radical, just not letting stuff get out of control. (Thanks Beth, for the inspiration). I have also been trying to enjoy the simple moments with the kids. Lana has been SO MUCH FUN! She is thriving in school, especially the social part--she just loves her friends and her teachers. She comes home with great stories with lots of detail. She loves to tell jokes, except she doesn't really "get" jokes, so they go something like this:

"How did the toilet walk through the door?"
"Lana, I have no idea, please tell me."
"He turned into a sumo wrestler!! HAHAHAHA"

Yep, they make no sense, but that's what makes us laugh. I love the purity of her laugh too. She has been just delightful to be with, my little friend. Lana has also been a lot more affectionate recently, which is equally delightful. Oh, we still have our moments, but all-in-all this stage has been absolutely wonderful and satisfying as a parent.

Lacey has been having a developmental explosion! She loves to play peek-a-boo, with a blanket over her face or in the playhouse or tent. She just cracks herself up. She is really into her dolls--hugging them, "feeding" them, rocking them. She is a hugger, a lover and oh my goodness I just eat it up! She is still night waking every single friggen night--anywhere from 2-5 times per night. She cries, we leave her alone and she goes back to sleep on her own. Still waiting patiently for her to figure it out. Still waiting patiently to get better sleep myself, sigh.

Lacey's language skills are exploding as well. Here are words she is saying at almost 16 months:
Mama
Baba
Nana (Lana)
Baw (ball)
Bow (bowl)
Doe (door)
Di-do (grandma dianne)
Amma (my MIL)
Boo
Apple

She is also blowing kisses, can identify her eyes, nose, ears, teeth, tongue, hair, toes, hands, belly button and waves bye-bye. It is absolutely amazing to me how much she understands--she can follow simple commands, like go get the doll, sit down, stand up, follow me, etc. I am noticing a fiesty streak in her, despite her being a pretty "easy" baby. Maybe its a little foreshadowing of the dreaded terrible twos. Eeek.

Lacey's eating is still frustrating me, but that's a subject for another post. I am taking her to an occupational therapist that specializes in feeding and sensory issues in a couple of weeks. We'll see how that goes.

Ah, this post is all over the place, but I am okay with that. I don't know what is up with me lately. I lack energy and motivation. I have been getting a lot of headaches. I think about putting into action some ideas to make the day-to-day run a little smoother and ways to carve out some time to do something for ME, something that will lift my spirit, make me feel good inside. Right now I need to get my butt in gear and follow through. I need to stop being a spectator. I need to have some fun on the weekends. Blah.

Maybe I am in a funk after all.

Vegan Pumpkin Pie and Other Dairy-Free Pursuits

2011-01-05T13:05:00.001-08:00

Since going dairy-free, I have had to let go of some yummy things and search around for suitable substitutes. Ice cream and pizza have been the hardest. But also, store bought or restaurant made desserts are pretty much out of the question for me b/c butter is in everything. Lucky for me, I have found some suitable substitutes. I know that most people aren't dairy-free, but you never know when you might have a vegan friend over for dinner :)

After trying lots of gritty soymilk ice creams, I found the SO Decadent brand of coconut milk ice cream. Each flavor has a hint of Coconut flavor, so if you get the Vanilla, it will taste more like Vanilla Coconut, but they do an awesome job on the Chocolate flavor--which tastes more Chocolate than Coconut Chocolate. The thing they nail is the texture--its creamy, just like ice cream, but doesn't melt the same way. Nonetheless, it is far superior to soy-based ice cream. I can eat sorbet too, but in my opinion it doesn't have the same satisfaction as a creamy ice cream.

The SO Decadent Coconut Milk coffee creamer is just okay. Silk soy creamer blows--its like putting skim milk in your coffee, unless you like that sort of thing. By far the best dairy free creamer is the Trader Joes Soy Creamer and at $1.49, its a steal. Its super-creamy and is unflavored. Incidentally, the Coffee Mate Creamer says non-dairy on the front, but if you read the label, there is casein, a milk derivative, which is a problem for us food allergy peeps. I have become a relentless label reader and you would be surprised as to all of the foods that contain milk.

Pizza has been something really hard for me to let go of. Soy and rice milk cheeses are generally gross and don't melt well. The rice milk cheese actually has casein in it, so its not a safe food for me--sadly, I learned the hard way. I crave pizza, I dream about it sometimes--so sad. I suppose I could try making a pizza with lots of toppings but no cheese, but this sounds weird to me--cheese IS the pizza! Oh well.

I am not a baker. I love to cook, but baking has never been my thing. Now that I can pretty much never have dessert unless I make it myself, I have been searching out dairy-free recipes that are easy enough and yummy too. My big find so far has been this Vegan Pumpkin Pie Recipe from Vegetarian Times. I don't bother with the crust b/c Pillsbury makes a premade pie crust that does not contain milk or butter. I just make the filling, pour into the shell and bake. Oh, the recipe calls for granulated sugar cane syrup--I just used the same amount of regular sugar. WTH is granulated sugar cane syrup? How can something be granulated and a syrup at the same time? Anyway, the results are wonderful--great texture and just the right balance of spice. Yum!

Our family holiday

2011-01-02T21:27:00.000-08:00

What a busy, festive, joyful whirlwind of a holiday season it has been! I am kind of glad its over in a way, to get back to our normal routine. But we had a great great time with family this year. My grandmother bravely traveled from Florida to Seattle, her first solo trip after Grandpa's passing, just to be with us this Christmas. She stayed with my mom who also hosted her youngest brother, my Uncle and his lovely girlfriend who visited from Phoenix. This was significant for my mom b/c this is her first holiday in her new home and she got to have guests in her guest bedrooms, much to her delight.

We had Christmas Eve and Christmas Day dinners at our house and my inlaws came as well, so we had a full house of family, which is how I remember holidays when I was growing up--lots of people, good food, loud talking and laughter, lots and lots of gifts, desserts and candy, etc. Ever since I moved away, holidays were different. I often traveled and split time between my parents or my boyfriend's family. Then when Bill and I were in San Diego we spent some holidays with my family or his, or sometimes we spent it just the two of us or with friends. It seemed like I would never have one of those holidays from my childhood with the house full of family and no place else to rush off to. But this year we did--4 generations, two cultures, the young, the old. It was wild at times--pandemonium even. I remember saying, "Hurry, we have to open gifts and get the kids in bed before they fall apart! Everyone in the living room NOW. We'll do dishes later." We didn't take too many photos, but we did enjoy great food and each other. The kids made my grandma smile, even when it was clear she didn't feel like smiling. Lana LOVES my Uncle's girlfriend--LOVES her! They played and colored and pretended. Bill cooked (a true holiday for me) an amazing meal--he even dry aged a prime rib in our basement wine cooler for a week--I was a little skeptical and was afraid we would be eating moldy meat, but it turned out perfect. I made my vegan pumpkin pie again--it rocks. What I will remember most about our Christmas this year is when I looked around the table at dinner and saw all of us sharing a great day together and just when I was taking it all in, Lana announced that she wanted to share what we were thankful for, just like at Thanksgiving, and around the table we went, sharing our blessings, wishing each other a Merry Christmas.

Time, where have you gone?

2010-12-16T21:34:00.000-08:00

This has nothing to do with the holidays, but holy moly, I have no time--for anything. WHY WHY WHY? I am a stay at home mom. I have my mom, my inlaws for help and they help a lot. My husband is a very involved father. There are a lot of families who are clearly busier, with more commitments and less help and they seem to have it together. Where are the hours in the day going? I have two things I do every day--I take care of the kids and I make meals, including home cooked dinner 6 days a week. I have two activities outside the home--a bookclub and I am on the Board of Directors for the local Children's Museum. In the last 6 months, I have read exactly one book and I have attended one Board meeting. I barely update my blog, I don't exercise, I don't watch any DVRed TV shows, I don't chat on the phone with my friends. I certainly don't have time for hobbies, that is just a joke.

I think for me the change has been the birth of Lacey and then the long period with sleep deprivation. She still wakes up 3 times a night crying, but settles down herself within minutes. Why is she still night waking at nearly 15 months??? I digress, but I forgot how consuming it is to have a mobile baby who can't really communicate, who doesn't understand logic or follow directions, who pushes me away from the kitchen counter every time I get near it. She is active, into everything, stubborn, but cute as hell. I cannot take my eyes off of her for a second. I spend her naptime cooking dinner and when my inlaws watch Lacey one day a week, I have SO much to do and catch up on that those 4 hours just fly by--the extra stuff, the fun stuff, the stuff for ME just gets pushed to the bottom of the list. We generally eat dinner after Lacey is in bed and then its a crunch to get Lana bathed and in bed. Then the dishes, making Lana's lunch, taking my shower and I plop down on the sofa with Bill for an hour before we need to get to bed.

I miss having energy, goals, hobbies, a To Do list that was do-able, a neat and tidy home. But really I have nothing to complain about b/c I have a pretty cushy life. I appreciate that, I really do! I just wish I had enough spare time to catch up on things, not feel so discombobulated. Maybe when Lacey goes to school in 2 years I will get back to my bookclub, writing grants, organizing photos, having a hobby and maybe, just maybe one day I will fit in some exercise. That would be one of those hell freezing over kind of moments, but I am still putting it on my list.

I know this complaint is not unique to me, and certainly there are other moms with WAY more on their plate, but I do notice that other moms seem to have other stuff going on in their lives. Maybe they just don't need as much sleep as I do, or maybe I am just a lazy bones. Maybe I just forgot what its like to have a baby around and I just need to chill until she gets a bit older and can be more independent.

*************************************************************************************

In other, non-whiny news: Lacey is approaching 15 months old and has recently had developmental explosions! She is walking so fast now, climbing everything (yikes!) and can understand SO much of what we say to her.

Her words are:
Mama
Baba
Nana (Lana)
Baw (ball)
Doe (door)
Boe (bowl)

She can point to her nose, eyes, teeth, tongue, hair, belly button, toes and hands upon request.

If you say, "Its time to go pick up Lana from school." She will walk to the door, pick up her jacket and stand there.

If she wants a snack and you ask her to go find her bowl, she will return with bowl in hand.

She blows kisses, waves and is obsessed with pointing out pictures in those First Words books. The thing is, Lana thinks its funny to teach Lacey the wrong words--i.e. if Lacey is pointing to a duck, Lana will tell her "horse, Lacey". Sneaky little thing!

This is totally a fun age, despite its demands.

Show Me the Mommy

2010-12-10T11:17:00.001-08:00

Just took this photo after nap, when Lacey is semi-cooperative and not taking everything out of the pantry and flinging it all over the room (her latest obsession). Oops, got to go, flinging has commenced...

Show Me the Mommy, Thanksgiving Edition

2010-12-03T10:42:00.000-08:00

Okay, so its not the best photo ever, but not only is there one mommy, but three mommies! Look at these 3 generations of women/girls with big, happy, grateful smiles on their faces! (Not to exclude my father-in law--he is pretty fantastic too). We had a wonderful, low-key Thanksgiving. I put out a delicious meal (if I do say so myself)--even the vegan pumpkin pie was tasty. But the best part was when we went around the table to say what we are thankful for--Lana went first and melted my heart when she said, "I am thankful for my mom and dad, Lacey, Grandma Dianne, Amma and Gong Gong and that we are all healthy and happy forever." Really that is it in a nutshell.

The memories are in the details

2010-11-30T11:51:00.000-08:00

Monday was my dad's birthday. I should have visited his grave, but I didn't. It makes me happy to talk about him, to tell stories, look at photos, to remember him, but driving to that cemetery and looking at the grave marker is too difficult still. I wonder if it will ever get easier. Probably not. I am still trying to figure out where I should hang the oil painting of my father, so for now I have it propped up on our buffet. Every time I pass it by, I feel like he is here in a way, in the house, watching all of the comings and goings of the kids and I. That sounds weird when I write it out, but to me that painting conveys his presence in our home and our family.

I have been thinking a lot lately about how lucky I am to have had him as a father. Not everyone has a dad who is such a loving soul, a friend, a supporter. He was a wonderful person. Everyone who knew him would agree. Its funny too, how you remember someone dear after they are gone. Its not the big life events that are with me everyday--its the littlest details. Here are some things that have been on my mind lately:

Dad always had dry skin and his hands were so rough. He hated lotion and it would be a battle to get him to put something so "greasy" on his hands. If he gave you a hug, or brushed his hand on your knee or shoulder, it would make a scratchy sound. I think about this when I rub Lacey's back when she is wearing a fleece PJ and I hear my dry hands making that sound too.

Dad's car was his office, he drove a lot for work. He would get very irritated with repetitive sounds--change clinking in the tray in the car, a plastic bottle rattling in the cup holder. He also had a very elaborate nail clipper with scissors, tweezers, etc. in his car. Apparently hangnails were annoying as well.

My father loved to watch football, dressed in his around the house uniform--a sweatshirt, jeans and slippers. He also loved cooking shows and when I was growing up (i.e. before HGTV) This Old House.

Dad always enjoyed a cocktail after 4pm, when he was done driving for the day. A southern comfort manhattan. He would drink some, then add some ice. Often more than once. I used some leftover southern comfort I had for my candied yams this thanksgiving. They kicked ass. Its weird, but the sound of the ice in a glass--the "clink clink" reminds me of him.

Thanksgiving was always my father's favorite holiday (mine too). He always made corn chowder to start the meal. My dairy allergy prevents me from carrying out this tradition. After I moved away from home, Dad and I always tried to get together around Thanksgiving b/c both of our birthdays are in November. He helped me pull off my very first Thanksgiving dinner in my studio apartment in Chicago--the one with the kitchen the size of an airplane's kitchen. We always braved the crowds together the next day and did Black Friday Shopping. He would hold the bags and run them out to the car (and probably sneak a cigarette--damn addiction).

Dad loved soup, any kind, but especially clam chowder. In fact, he loved shellfish--shrimp, clams, crab, lobster, oysters, scallops. Dad loved to snack--cheese and crackers, crab dip, shrimp cocktail.

Its funny the things that trigger memories, so strong and palpable. They make me smile, but they also make me miss him and wish he could come back. Part of me feels like if I don't record the details of my father, maybe my memory will become fuzzy over the years and I will lose the ability to access any more than just photos and the big life events that Dad was a part of.

Last year, we celebrated the holidays with a bit of sadness, as it was the first year without Dad. This year, I feel happier--it is less raw I suppose, but I feel very focused on remembering him in a very specific way and I also am overwhelmed with gratitude for the person he was and how lucky I am to have had him for my father.

Thoughts off the top of my head

2010-11-18T20:20:00.000-08:00

I have never done a randomness/magoomba/gumbo post, which is kind of funny b/c I feel like I live my whole life a bit scatterbrained. So here goes, in no particular order:

I have the best husband ever. He took me out for my birthday to a fancy restaurant, complete with a sommelier, aka, "wine dude", as I like to call him, who really made the meal fun by pairing a half glass of wine to exactly enhance each course. Wow, it was pure luxury! But what makes my husband the best husband ever is that he had a photograph of my dad holding Lana made into an oil painting. This was hands down the best gift I have ever received. Its so realistic, capturing the essence of my dad, not to mention the roundness of Lana's face when she was a year old.

I am obsessing about Christmas gifts--not the kids', but the extended people--what to buy, when to ship, when to shop without distraction (haha, that's a good one). I have very few ideas this year.

I am looking forward to Thanksgiving, its my favorite holiday. I don't really like turkey, but I love the side dishes, although mashed potatoes do not taste good without dairy. But the best part of Thanksgiving is the sentiment of gratitude. So so so much to be grateful for.

I wonder when I am going to stop being a hypochondriac.

Lana has been so lovely lately. She is fun, animated, funny, my mini-friend. I do wish she would wait until I have had some caffeine before she starts with the incessant talking.

Lana talks louder since starting pre-K. Even when I shush her, she is still so loud. Between the loudness and the nonstop nature of the talking, sometimes I check my ears to make sure they are not bleeding.

I feel like I have no time for anything. But I hate how at the end of the day the house is still a mess and I have crossed nothing off my list. What am I doing all day? Besides making dinner, breakfast and lunch too, cleaning up those dishes, picking up random clutter, keeping an eye or two on Lacey and driving an hour twice a day for preschool dropoff/pickup. Sigh.

I have about 100 pages left in The Help, which I hope to finish before bookclub. It will be the first book I have read for bookclub in about a year.

Lacey is walking full-on, really well! She doesn't have as many injuries as Lana did when she learned to walk, thankfully. She is much more hesitant and deliberate about her movements. She also likes to throw a ball.

We tried to get photos done for our holiday card, but both girls had super snotty colds so we canceled. I like to try to get holiday cards done in November b/c December is always so crazy. It is nothing short of miraculous that I didn't get said snotty cold. I was downstream of every sneeze and cough and the girls used my shirt as a tissue on many occasions. I think this is the first disease that the kids had that I didn't catch. Unreal.

Baby Steps

2010-11-10T21:17:00.001-08:00

Make photo slide shows at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Lacey has been walking with help for a while now, but when you let go of her, she has been dropping to the floor so she can crawl. She crawls so fast and she loves it when you chase her. When you actually catch her she just laughs and laughs. While I am in no huge hurry to have her walking and tearing up the house, it does get a little tiring to be carrying her everywhere and not being able to put her down for a second while I pay for something at a store for example. She is heavy and although she loves being carried in the Ergo, my neck does not love it. Ah, aging.

Last week when we were getting the girls dressed after their bath, Lacey finally took her first steps! So, we pulled out the camera. Try to ignore the mess in her room and the goofy expression on my face. It is kind of amusing b/c even though this is all about Lacey, Lana tries to get in on the action.

Milestones are fun!

Show Me the Mommy

2010-11-05T12:02:00.000-07:00

I am finally playing along with Show Me the Mommy on Fridays. I am almost never in photos, so I had to do the whole hold arm outstretched and shoot thing. Lana is making a funny face and is dressed up as a fairy ballerina, but for once this isn't about her--HA!

Halloween 2010

2010-11-04T15:22:00.000-07:00

I better hurry up and post this before Halloween turns into Thanksiving!

We took a family trip to the pumpkin patch this year on a very sunny fall day and I was hoping to get some awesome photos of the kids. The problem was that both kids were so into looking at the pumpkins that neither one of them could be coaxed into looking at the camera for even a second. This is the best we could do:

We were in Phoenix for my cousin's wedding on Halloween weekend, arriving home around 5pm on Halloween night. Lacey was spent, so we gave her dinner and got her to bed by 6:30, so no Halloween for the baby this year. Not like she cared. Then Lana got all decked out as Mulan and I took her trick or treating, just the two of us. I have never taken her trick or treating--usually Bill does it. I had no idea how much fun it would be! Every time she got a piece of candy, she stopped on the sidewalk and asked me to shine the light from the flash light into her basket to see what she got. She was so thrilled with every piece of candy. When one (or 3) of the houses handed out a FULL SIZE BAR (!!!!!!!) she almost fell over. We tried to stay away from scary houses and after a while she said she was ready to go home b/c she had enough candy in her basket. It was fun for me to see her so happy. I love this age--she is so pure, everything new is SUPER cool. I loved walking hand in hand through the neighborhood at night, seeing all the other families enjoying their kids too.

The next day I put Lacey in her Halloween costume (notice I didn't even clip the tags) and took a few photos. I feel bad that I bought that costume and she never even wore it, especially b/c we already had a duck costume handed down from Lana that we could have used. Talk about waste of money! But here is my adorable little pink butterfly:

All in all it was a good Halloween, albeit busy. I do really love fall around here. Its been sunny (for the most part) and crisp. The air smells so good and the leaves are so vibrant. I love pulling out my sweaters and drinking a warm beverage. Last year Lana was too sick to go trick or treating in the rain, so it was extra fun to participate in the festivities this year. The only downside to Halloween is the full-on negotiations about how many pieces of candy per day Lana can consume. She doesn't even care about the chocolate--only the skittles, nerds, etc. It kind of sucks too b/c I can't eat any of the chocolate due to my dairy allergy, so its just sitting there taunting me. But I have discovered the hard way that under no circumstances can candy be consumed after 5pm or Lana gets too jazzed up to sleep.

All the pumpkins have been put away and I am now planning my Thanksgiving menu, but what I am really excited about is Christmas. Now that our house is done, I want to decorate! Knowing how busy our family has been this fall, my goal for the holidays is to slow down enough to enjoy it. We will see how that one goes.

Goodbye dear Grandpa Jim

2010-11-02T13:39:00.001-07:00

Three weeks ago my beloved Grandpa Jim passed away. He was my maternal grandfather and since I grew up with my grandparents living 5 minutes away, I knew him well and I loved him very much. My grandpa's given name was Nazzareno, but he had many nicknames: Naz, Nick, Nicky, Jim, Jimmy, even Jr. He was always Grandpa Jim to me. Grandpa Jim and Grandma Rita have been married 61 years (!) and raised 3 kids together, my mom and her 2 brothers.

Grandpa Jim was sick, he was exposed to asbestos on the job years ago, which scarred his lungs and he has been deteriorating slowly for years. He required oxygen tanks 24/7 just to breathe and his mobility became less and less because of his decreased lung capacity. It was a slow decline filled with anxiety about each breath and all the while his mind was intact, which was both a blessing and a curse. This last year he suffered greatly and my poor grandmother was his dedicated caretaker, which of course is not an easy job, physically or emotionally, especially for a woman in her mid-80s.

Grandpa Jim lived a full life. He built his own house in the 1950s. He drew the plans and built the house. He did this on the weekends or after work during the week. Remember, there was no Home Depot or Lowes back then, can you imagine? He worked hard, he enjoyed his family and he was always smiling. He had a lot to be proud of, but he was incredibly humble. One thing that you hear time and time again from people who knew my grandfather is that he never and I mean NEVER said a negative comment about anyone, even if they deserved it.

My grandparents visited us here in the NW twice since we moved here. Once when Lana was 2 years old and once last year, when I was just weeks away from delivering Lacey and a few days after my dad passed away. Each time they visited, they got to see a new part of the country and spend some fun time with Lana. I could see it in my grandparents' faces what a blessing it is to live to see your great-grandchildren. I only wish my grandfather could have met Lacey too. Here are some of my favorite photos of this time:

Two weeks ago, my mom and I flew to Florida for my grandfather's funeral. I left the girls at home with my in-laws and Bill so that I could be there undistracted. My grandmother seemed to be holding up remarkably well, although she could not get past those last few days of his life and his final moments. The funeral itself was small, intimate and our entire small family was there to lay him to rest. It was sad, but beautiful too. At the dinner afterward, everyone took turns sharing their favorite memory of Grandpa Jim. Every family member took a turn. I couldn't do it. I regret not being able to share at the time, but emotionally the entire funeral was hard for me. I have lost two great men from my life in 14 months and it hurts. Anyway, since I couldn't share my memory at the time, here goes: The last time Grandpa Jim was visiting, he was playing with Lana, smiling and he looked to me and said, "The best years of my life was when my kids were little." That one sentence made such an impression on me. I think about it often, when life is so busy or the kids are driving me bonkers, I try to remember that these are the best years. Take a deep breath, enjoy these moments--look at their little faces, these are the best years. Thank you Grandpa Jim for this. It means so much to me. Rest in peace, breathe easier and say hi to my daddy.

Picky picky

2010-10-28T11:15:00.000-07:00

First a vent: I have no time to blog. No time to reply to emails. Too busy. I don't like being quite this busy.

Okay, now that I have gotten that vent out of my system, I am planning a super frustrated whiny post. But I do so with the hope that my bloggyfriends will shed some of their infinite wisdom b/c I know I am not the only one.

Lacey's eating habits are making me crazy. Not only is she a picky eater, but she doesn't really drink that much either. She has been pulling the fake-out where I will give her a new food and she will eat it up like its the best thing ever. No sooner do I breathe a sigh of relief that she is actually eating something, that she will then reject said food and scream in her chair, pushing the tray away like I am feeding her poison. I know this is well-covered territory for moms of toddlers, but Lana was and is a great eater, so I haven't been paying attention to the discussion. I have however said to myself, "Self, you are lucky that Lana is such a great eater b/c if she wasn't, it would drive YOU crazy." Well, it is.

This is an exhaustive list of what Lacey will eat (most, but not all times offered):
cheerios or puffs
bread
pasta--plain, no sauce, no butter
fruit
tofu
chinese rice porridge

Here is a list of SOMETIMES food:
sweet potatoes
carrot
peas
white, oily fish, like sea bass or cod

Everything else is a NEVER food. You will notice that there is no meat and no dairy. She dislikes meat, even pureed or hidden in other food and she is allergic to dairy. Beans are also a no-go.

I am really struggling to put food in front of her 3 times a day only for her to push it out of her mouth or throw it on the floor. We thought, okay, maybe she is just not hungry, her caloric needs not high right now. But if she rejects a whole meal of even food she normally eats and then we bring out some fruit, she will eat like she is starving to death. I know people say, she will eat when she is hungry and if she doesn't eat dinner, she will eat breakfast. Okay, but what about the night waking when she didn't eat dinner--she is probably hungry, so I have been obliging her with the boob. Sigh. Her poor eating habits are one of the reasons I am still breastfeeding b/c I am hoping she is getting from me a little protein and calcium to supplement her diet of simple carbs and fruit.

So I spoke to my pediatrician about it and get this--she referred me to a feeding specialist in case she has a sensory disorder. I just love it how every little pediatric weirdness gets a "diagnosis" these days.

So any advice or just, hey, I have been there would be helpful. I really thought that she was going to pull this crap at 2 years old, not at 1 year, so I think we are probably in for the long haul with the picky eater.

Calling all nerds...

2010-10-07T16:21:00.001-07:00

I rarely get excited about a new toy or kid product that I get suckered into buying. Lana is the type of kid who doesn't really play with toys much. She needs people. She wants to do imaginative play, a board game, roll a ball down the hall or just talk my ear off. The only solitary, quiet thing she does is crafts and when she is in the zone, she is very creative and I am always amazed at how her brain works.

Because Lana is not great at playing by herself, she watches a lot more TV than I would like to admit. Luckily now that school is in session and she is in it all day, her TV time is limited, but we have a DVD in the car (something I never thought I would do) which helps keep her occupied during our 30 min commute twice a day to school. You are probably thinking--what a great opportunity to talk and interact! Turn off the TV! Let me tell you, for my own sanity and the safety of the other people on the road, it is best for her to be occupied. This way I am not turning around every 2 seconds for "mom, what's this, mom, look at what I am doing, mom, mom, mom, mom." She never asks good questions, just redundant ones like, "mom, do you love me? mom, why is the fruit stand still open?" Also, forget about it if you would like to have a conversation with another passenger in the car! Judge me if you will with the DVD in the car or you could just spend an hour in the car with Miss Talky Talk and you will see what I mean.

I have been getting sick of listening to the dialogue of the same Disney movies over and over. I could do Mulan, complete with the songs verbatim, start to finish in my sleep. Princess and the Frog too, Sleeping Beauty, Wubbzy videos, Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs and don't even get me started on Elmo in Grouchland--its been about 2 yrs since she has watched it, but I know the whole thing by heart. Since Lana has been so inquisitive lately, I bought this to mix it up a little:I am not pushing science on her, by any means, but this They Might Be Giants CD/DVD got great reviews and she plays doctor often and asks me about my former job, she loves her science kit and we do fun little kitchen experiments, so science is kind of a common topic in our house.

I LOVE THIS DVD!!! She has been watching it in the car and it is so creative. It covers many different science topics, from the solar system to paleontology, evolution, photosynthesis, velocity, computer science, environmental science. It sounds heavy, but its done SO well--fun, creative, extremely energetic. Lana asks so many questions, questions I don't mind answering like:

"Mom, why is Ceres not a planet, but still in the asteroid belt?"
"Mom, what is the temperature of a rainbow?"
"Mom, do we live inside the earth or on top? Then why can't we see the other planets?"

She sings along to the songs and she is really into it. It was the letter H week in her Pre-K classroom and she told the teacher her "H words" were "hybrogen (hydrogen) and helium". Not only does she totally dig this, but I love it too--I am such a nerd. But I do enjoy answering these questions more so than explaining why it is impossible to fall in love with a handsome prince after only meeting him once and dancing one dance together. Come on, Disney, give me a break!

The only downside? The songs are so damn catchy, I can't get them out of my head.

My weekend adventure

2010-10-05T21:56:00.000-07:00

I just went on a girls weekend getaway, nervously leaving the kids overnight for the very first time. But this wasn't just any girls weekend, this was like the Mother of All Girls Weekends--with girls I have never met in real life. Ah, this internet is a strange thing indeed and what was even more bizarre was when I told people where I was going for the weekend, I heard myself say, "I am meeting up with a bunch of women I met on the internet." And then I sounded like a weirdo.

The thing is, it wasn't weird at all. I began chatting with these women when I was pregnant with Lana via Babycenter, which I frequented often with my millions of questions and concerns about pregnancy. When Lana was only 6 weeks old, we moved across the country and I found myself a stay at home mom to a very colicky baby, with no friends, no support and I was in bad shape. My babycenter friends were my outlet, my support system. I know it sounds weird. The internet? Bad things happen on the internet. In actuality, good things also happen on the internet. I was lucky to meet Beth online and then in real life at during this time (since we were living in the same area) and we became friends, we had some fun get togethers and then a few months later we moved away, back to the west coast. Beth had a blog that I loved reading, so I decided to start one of my own.

But I digress, back to the weekend not being weird at all. Meeting my babycenter/blogfriends was so interesting! I really feel like everyone represents themselves on their blog just as they are. That authenticity made the meetup feel very comfortable. When blogging, most of us focus on stories about our kids. I so enjoyed hearing everyone's stories about themselves, their careers, their husbands, their journey to motherhood and their journey in life.

So we met in Vegas, although that seems pretty irrelevant b/c all we did was sit on our asses and talk, drink, eat and talk some more. Sounds boring for Vegas, but I assure you it was luxurious! A couple of days where I didn't have to cook anything, clean anything or fetch snacks, drinks, Hello Kitty and the like--now THAT is a vacation. I will say that these women actually did manage to get me into a club, yes a club with dancing and even though I didn't stay long, this is fairly miraculous in itself--I didn't even have dancing at my wedding, that is how strongly I dislike shaking my booty.

Laura has some great photos on her blog of all of our smiling faces plus her take on the weekend, so check them out, if you haven't already. Speaking of Laura, it was so great to finally meet her. She is just as I expected her to be. I really enjoyed talking with her--she is very open and warm, not to mention hilarious. I felt like she was an old friend, someone I haven't seen for a while but one where you just pick up where you left off. I love that she talks fast but is a great listener, that she is smart-funny, that she is thoughtful and driven and inspiring. Her boys are lucky.

Desi and I have been commiserating about our exactly-the-same-age baby who seems to be pulling exactly-the-same-crap at exactly-the same-time, over email and facebook, so we clearly have a lot in common. I loved meeting her husband and kids--they are all so adorably cute. I loved hanging out at her house and talking about our moms and childhood and career paths. Desi has a great sense of humor--it was like a laugh a minute with her! She is so smart and strong and friendly. It was just easy to hang with Desi.

It was so so so fun to see Beth again! Beth is just one of those people who is a good person. She is so kind, genuine, giving and open. She is opinionated, but not in a headstrong or judgemental way. I have seen Beth a couple of times now, after I moved back to the west coast, once when I visited my dad when he was sick and I always feel so lucky to know Beth because she is so real, there are no pretenses at all and she has a good heart. I know I will be friends with Beth for a long time, even if we don't see each other often.

Jenn organized the trip--she had an itinerary which she revised multiple times! This was like going to a conference. She also drove everyone around and made multiple trips to the airport. Thanks for all your work Jenn. I was interested in getting to know her better b/c prior to this trip I felt like I didn't know too much about her. Jenn is a very devoted mom, always looks so put together and has great stories. I loved hearing about Jenn's adventure when she lived in Japan for a year and managed the whole bank! She had never even been on a plane before that! That is brave and so totally cool.

Joanna is so funny. I love her sense of humor, which I was already aware of from reading her blog. I was very excited to meet Joanna in person. She is smart and witty and a great storyteller. There is nothing wishy-washy about her, she is sure of herself. I also love her accent. Now when I read her blog, it will have a "voice".

Lindsay is also someone I didn't know well prior to this trip, but I am so grateful to have met her. She is so very sweet and kind. I enjoyed hearing about how Lindsay met her husband and I loved that she watched college football in the cabana, actually rooting for her team! Lindsay is easy to talk to and makes you feel so comfortable. I would love to see Lindsay again and chat some more.

Rita and her friend Tenaya were so fun! They were both ready to party in Vegas! Rita is so confident, a free spirit, super extroverted. She describes everything with such passion. She makes beautiful jewelry. She has killer heels and party clothes. I am so different from Rita, but I can really appreciate all of her attributes. Plus she can stay out longer and have more fun than I ever did, even when I was in my 20s. When people tell me to relax, chill out and have more fun, I will channel Rita.

Bridget has the best clothes, so girly with flowers and bows. She is from the South and has that southern belle quality. I loved hearing her stories about her girls, especially how they interact with each other. I hope my girls can love each other like hers do. Bridget is a great storyteller too, so animated and funny.

Heidi is definitely my girl crush on this trip. She is one of those people that totally has it all together, makes it look easy, looks great, is super smart and confident. She has 3 kids and is in graduate school. Instead of complaining about how busy or crazy her life is, she says she makes it work and knows she is showing her kids that sometimes things are tough, but if I can do it, you can do it. Her kids will be awesome b/c she is such a great role model. She has a zen quality about her. I love that!

It totally amazed me that this group of diverse girls could just seamlessly spend a weekend together with no disagreements, and absolutely no judgement. I think it is so hard to find girlfriends, other mothers, that truly support each other without judgement, who embrace and accept you for your flaws as well as what you bring to the table. I loved this trip. It was fun, relaxing, interesting and just what I needed. When I came home, I felt so refreshed and invigorated, so maybe it was like a mommy conference after all.

Thanks all for a great weekend :)

Happy First Birthday Lacey!

2010-09-28T15:07:00.001-07:00

Dear Lacey,
Today you are one year old! What a wild and wonderful year it has been since you joined our family. It has gone so fast! Wasn't it just yesterday that we brought you home from the hospital? You were so tiny, all 6 lbs 4 oz of you, that tiny little butt fitting right in the palm of our hands and your soft head with the fuzzy hair and the delicious baby smell that was so intoxicating. Oh sweet Lacey, you were so pleasant and content to sit and just watch the whirlwind of your big sister. Of course now you cannot just sit and watch, you are in the thick of the action, wanting to be everywhere Lana is, eating whatever she is eating, playing with the big kid toys, climbing the stairs (all 16 of them), crawling super-fast, ripping paper into tiny shreds which you then eat with mommy yelling--no no no! To which you respond with a smile, showing us your 4 little teeth. Lacey-lace (as we call you) you have our heart, you are so easy to love, you bring us so much joy.We haven't had a doctor's appointment in a while, but I am estimating you are about 20 lbs, you have a little bit of soft, dark brown hair that makes everyone think you are a boy even if I have you dressed in pink, you have delicate little fingers that you like to point to everything and say either "ah" or "up". I keep trying to teach you some words because I don't know what "ah" and "up" really mean to you. So far you say, "Mama", "Baba" and "Nana" (Lana). You love to take folded laundry or a stack of clean diapers and fling them all over the room, one by one. You love to crawl really fast to the bathroom and pull yourself up on the toilet (yuck) or the edge of the tub. You think its funny when I chase after you--you crawl faster and giggle. You are very curious, pulling on cords, trying to pull out the outlet covers, pulling on the nightlight, digging in trash cans. You love to play ball the most. If I roll a ball to you, you roll it right back. If Lana and I sit with you on the floor, we can roll the ball between the three of us for good long while (a few minutes, but still). You are not walking without assistance just yet, I think b/c you have decided you can crawl much faster.
Lacey, my dear, you are a little faker! When I brought you home from the hospital, you slept 4 hours straight every night and I said, "OH YAY! I think we have a sleeper!" Then at about 3 months old, you faked me out and turned into Worlds Worst Sleeper, which I have concluded is your natural pattern. When we started solid food--you ate robustly, but then all of a sudden you rejected everything you once ate. So I switched to homemade baby food, which was better. Then we gave you table food and once again you ate everything I gave you--pasta with meatsauce, salmon and pasta broccoli, homemade Chinese food, fish, meatballs. But a few weeks ago, you have suddenly decided that you only eat bread, pasta, sweet potatoes, carrots, fruit and tofu. That's it, no exceptions--no rice, no eggs, no green veggies, definitely no meat. Don't even try to mix it up. But you will giggle and wiggle if I even pick up the box of graham crackers--looks like someone has a sweet tooth :)
You are still breastfeeding (yay to me for that accomplishment!) and we are still up through the night once or twice. I love it when I pick you up and give you your giraffe lovey--you put your head on my shoulder and sigh and snuggle. Oh it is so sweet. I love how you hug back and that you are so quick to smile. I love watching you and listening to you. I know sometimes our house can be loud and busy, but I will always have the time to stop and listen to my littlest bug.
Thank you sweet Lacey for a wonderful year. We can't wait to see what this next year brings! Happy Birthday!

What we did on summer vacation Part 1

2010-09-20T12:05:00.000-07:00

Summer is officially over here in these parts. Usually September weather still feels like summer (70s), but this year the brief summer we had has given way to rain, rain and more rain, with a little fog mixed in for variety. The rain actually doesn't bother me, but we all felt a little cheated this summer since it was cooler and wetter than normal. School is back in session (yay!) and Lacey and I are still trying to figure out how to get her to take decent naps in between dropoff and pickup. I have been frantically trying to get things done around the house--bigger projects like cleaning out the office, paring down the junk in our lives, deep cleaning things that have long been neglected. You know, fun stuff. My "To do" list is long and every time I cross something off, I have added 3 more things. But that is everyone's story, right? I do really love fall and after I catch up with these house projects, I plan to enjoy the crisp air, changing leaves, pumpkin patches and dairy-free baking!

Despite my focus on all of my fall activities and plans, we had a great summer. Lana and I had one special day per week when my inlaws watched Lacey. We did "big kid" stuff, like the public pool or the beach or the movies or the zoo, with ladies lunch first, usually at Red Robin or the sushi place with that awesome kids meal. Lana actually loved to sit at the sushi bar b/c "you can't do that with a baby!" She really did love and appreciate the one-on-one time b/c she often said, "Thanks mom for bringing me here." We had some really really awesome special days and even if she doesn't remember them over time, I sure will. I also had a special day with Lacey each week which was nice as well. Lacey is pretty content to sit on the floor and play, although with 2 naps a day its not like we were out and about too often. She is a happy little thing and even if she is a crappy sleeper, she is so easy to love and snuggle and smile at. That kid melts my heart. In just 8 days she will be ONE!!! I can't believe it.

Back to summer. In addition to our special days, we tried to enjoy every ounce of sunshine--we went to the splash park, the regular parks, we took walks in the neighborhood and we ate outside on our brand new deck every night. We had fun playdates with friends and we went to Jetty Island a few times.

Two big things we did this summer: 1) We took a big, 2 part vacation and 2) We did a big, loud, massive remodel.

Part 1 of our vacation was to Cape Cod where we met up with some close friends from Boston who have a 2 year old daughter, Elyse. Lana and Elyse had so much fun playing in the sand, searching for shells and sharing a room. Bill and I enjoyed catching up with our friends, eating boatloads of seafood and watching our girls play together. We all rented a house which was a great thing to do with another family b/c it allowed us to prepare breakfast and cook up the clams we dug up for lunch. Plus, it was relatively easy for Lacey to get her naps while one adult could hang behind and relax. I say relatively easy b/c Lacey did not sleep well during this trip. But it worked out okay, she was in a pretty good mood most of the time. The only bummer with this trip was that Bill got food poisoning on the second night. I tell ya, its not a family vacation unless someone pukes. It happens nearly every trip. But he has a good eject button and once it was out, he was good to go. It was such a great vacation. I really felt Bill relaxing, which is not an easy thing for him. We had great weather, it wasn't too hot, but definitely warm enough to spend lots of time swimming and building elaborate sand castles. It felt good to have the family time and it was really nice to share the fun with our friends. It was also super nice for me b/c our friend Nancy did all of the cooking since I was always holding Lacey or trying to keep her out of trouble. A whole week of no cooking? Now THAT is a vacation for me!

Here's the real kicker--when we got home from our trip, I read Megan's blog about her vacation in Cape Cod. I emailed her, thinking, oh its impossible that we were both in Cape Cod the exact same week. But yes, it was true--our families were in Cape Cod the exact same week! AND we were about 10 miles away from one another! I can't believe we didn't know it ahead of time so that we could connect! How awesome would that have been??? Seren and Lana would have talked each other silly. Darn it!

So here are a few photos from our trip:

Yeesh, I have been gone forever

2010-09-07T10:51:00.000-07:00

Today is the first day of Pre-K for Lana! Here she is right before we left. It was raining, so we did the indoor shot this year. We tried to get Lacey to pose with her for a couple, but she was too busy chewing shoes and wouldn't sit still.

So I am back! I hope to have more time to blog now that I have one at home who naps, although PreK pickup is going to blow the PM nap. I am not sure if I am going to shoot for an early or late nap for Lacey, we will have to see how things go. Too bad she won't sleep in the car. Anyway, we had a nice summer, although the weather kind of was a letdown, but we made the most of it. I am hoping to do some retro-posts about our adventures this summer, but not today--today I am just catching up.

Lana was a bit nervous to go to school this morning. Last night she dissolved into tears about 100 times about all things not school related, but I could tell that she was just feeling some butterflies about school. I remember feeling that as a kid. Its funny b/c I remember being kind of sensitive as a child--nervous about things, scared of strange things. My mom says she never knew, that I never said anything about it. Lana is pretty open with her emotions and since many of them I can relate to, I tend to offer empathy and reassurance. Bill thinks I am feeding her anxieties, but I am just not the type to say--you are being ridiculous! Shake it off! But this morning went along without incident--we got up, had breakfast, got dressed and off we went to school.

When we arrived Lana sat down at the table which had a coloring page and a laminated name tag was on the table just above it. The teacher told her to write her name on her paper the same way it was on the name tag and that she could look at the name tag for reference. Lana grabbed a pencil and wrote her name on the paper about half way down the page. The teacher stopped by and told her to write her name on the line at the top that said "Name". She immediately said--"I was just practicing down here." I think Lana is a huge perfectionist. She told me last night that she is worried that she will make some mistakes at school and end up in the little blue chair (when kids have listening ear problems, that is where they sit). She said, "Mama, I am only 4, I am still learning things." I had to explain that nobody expects her to know everything and that she goes to school to learn new things and that everyone makes mistakes sometimes (even Mommys) and that if she listens to her teacher and doesn't talk sassy, she will not end up in the little blue chair.

Its bittersweet watching her grow up, gain independence, feel a little scared, send her off to school. I know its cliche and so expected, but I am happy and sad, all at the same time.

I am looking forward to catching up on things long overdue.

I also expect we will be sick by the weekend, b/c well, that's how school goes.

The homemade necktie

2010-08-10T15:57:00.000-07:00

Whoa, I can't believe how long it has been since my last post. We just returned from a trip back east and I am hoping to find the time to get through our 600 vacation photos and post a few, but who am I kidding, I don't have time for anything this summer! We have been busy just living life, having fun and enjoying the summer as much as possible. It is amazing how busy we can be doing just this and that. With Lana at home (rather than in school) I literally have zero downtime. Lana spends plenty of downtime while I am feeding Lacey or getting her to sleep, but as soon as I have a minute free, Lana and I play or do big kid projects. Once she is back in school I hope to have more "me" time, when Lacey is napping of course. All is well, despite my absence from my blog!

A while ago Lana made Bill a "necktie" out of paper. She secured the vertical strip of paper to the part that goes around his neck with half of a marshmallow. Yes, a marshmallow. She has licked it a few times b/c, well, its tempting to get a little taste of sugar now and then. Its pretty gross now with some fuzz stuck to it, but she made this treasure just for her baba. It is decorated with some designs, an abstract pattern. Bill wears scrubs 2 days a week and a shirt and tie the rest of the days. Every day for weeks she has asked him, "Baba, when are you going to wear my tie to work?" He has told her he will, he promises.

Yesterday Lana noticed that the homemade tie was not on his nightstand. She told me she thinks he wore it to work! Well, when Bill came home for lunch yesterday, he walked in the door wearing the homemade necktie, fuzzy marshmallow and all. Lana was very excited and I was so touched that he actually wore it, even if he just put it on a second before he came in the door. Its that kind of thoughtfulness that is just so him. Lana wanted to know what his "work-friends" thought of the tie, to which he responded, "they all thought it was very fancy". I have always thought there are some men who were just meant to have daughters and as much as Bill wants a son, he is really very good at being a dad to his girls.

Here he is:

The blind leading the blind

2010-07-18T21:38:00.001-07:00

When we first brought Lacey home I thought Lana would be super jealous. Surprisingly, she seemed fine. There was no acting out, no aggressive behavior or mean statements about sending Lacey back. She wasn't exactly lovey dovey with Lacey, but Lana is not inherently maternal. She will tell you that she is not a hugger. I was so relieved that things were going so smoothly.

Lacey has just become mobile. She learned how to crawl this weekend and she absolutely loves to pull up to standing and walk with the push-type walker. This kid wants to walk and I predict it won't be long. Lana is not thrilled with Lacey's developmental milestone. Lacey is no longer the baby who will sit and play with baby toys. Now she wants to get all up in Lana's business. Lacey has been getting a lot of attention for her new skills and Lana feels left in the dust. I know this is all normal stuff, sibling stuff. But Bill and I are CLUELESS. We are both only children and neither one of us know the best way to handle Lana's feelings.

Just tonight she told me that she does not feel like she is number one anymore, that no one pays any attention to her and that today everyone yelled at her. She said that we all think Lacey came out of my tummy first. This is hard for me to hear b/c its true--everyone yelled at her today--her behavior was atrocious! She bit me, scratched me and kicked me in the face (we were playing, but still) and ended up in the corner. She told me she would never make me art or cards with my name on it EVER! It's true too that we all give a lot of attention to Lacey b/c geez if we take our eyes off of her for a second she will get stuck under a table or chair, pull the contents off the coffee table, get into something she shouldn't. But I try so very hard to give Lana my full attention when Lacey is asleep and we have a special day together, just Lana and I where we do something fun. I don't want Lana to ever feel like we don't value her and love her. I know it will be hard for the girls to get along all the time, but its my wish that they at least like each other. Lana is so kindhearted and good with her friends, I do hope Nurtureshock is right when they assert that kids learn how to be good siblings by interacting with their friends.

Part of me thinks that Lana is unjustified in her feelings of jealousy b/c we do give her a lot of attention, just not every second of the day. Part of me feels guilty that I can't give each kid all of myself all of the time. I think its good for the girls to grow up with each other, sometimes sharing the attention, sometimes getting special days. Its a learning process for us all. Bill and I could definitely use some tips and advice though!

Catching Up Again

2010-07-06T20:47:00.000-07:00

I didn't mean to be gone quite so long! I have no real reason for being absent on my blog, other than just plain being busy with this and that. Last week was a little crazy because I had an all day meeting on Wednesday and it was the first time I left both girls with my inlaws for the entire day. Logistically, it is always a challenge because of communication/language barriers, but the thing about the second kid is that I am so much more laid back about EVERYTHING. If the schedule is screwy and she doesn't nap well or snacks too much and doesn't eat well at meals, really who cares, its one day and we will get back to schedule tomorrow. I did not have this attitude the first time around, incidentally. The girls (and my inlaws) did fine, I enjoyed my meeting and being off-duty for 8 whole hours, and all was right with the world. I will add that getting everything prepped for the day, hauling my pump and accessories with me and getting out the door by 7:45am was a little hairy and gave me a little peek at what it would be like if I was a working mom, so kudos to you all!!

The weather has been freezing. And rainy. Did I mention freezing? I know you all don't believe me because everywhere else in the country its HOT. July hot. But not here--we are talking 50s and low 60s. Brr. On July 2, I wore jeans, a long sleeve T and fleece! Unreal. Its been really annoying and has left me wondering if we would ever even wear short sleeves this summer, not to mention shorts. Well, today the tides have turned finally and we saw the sun! It was about 75 and sunny and beautiful! Lacey and I took a walk to the park. The rest of the week they are predicting 80s and even 90s?! Lana and I have plans to hit the beach. My inlaws have been watching Lana on Tuesdays and Lacey on Thursdays, so I get one day/week with each girl alone. Its working out great b/c Tuesdays are quiet baby time and Thursdays are adventurous, no napping, no diaper bag hauling days. I really feel like Lana needs this one-on-one time. She treasures it and so do I.

The best part about the long weekend was seeing Bill for three days straight. He has been working a lot and last weekend he was on call and had to operate, so it didn't even feel like a weekend at all. We did many fun things. On Saturday, we went to Whidbey Island and met up with some friends who live there. The boys went crabbing (and caught a bunch) and the kids played on the beach while the women chatted and looked after the babies. Bill is a fanatic for crab, especially when he catches them fresh out of the sound. Our friends are so lovely and welcoming, plus their kids play so well with Lana. It was a great day, capped off with beer and roasted crabs. Sunday we took my mom and the inlaws to the Zoo in Seattle. It was overcast, cool and it even rained a bit, but we just pulled on our fleece and went. It was so fun. I took Lana when she was younger, but she couldn't care less about the animals. This year, finally, she was into it! We had a great day and I got a ton of exercise walking all over the place with Lacey in the Ergo. Sunday night we decided to skip fireworks, mostly b/c I don't really like them, but also b/c the kids would be asleep by the time the sun sets at 10:30pm. Little did we know that our town changed the location of the fireworks launch which placed them literally right in front of our house. We sat on our bed and watched the fireworks! It was crazy cool. When they were over, we just shut off the lights and went to bed. No dealing with crowds, sitting in traffic, whiny kids.

So that's our 4th of July in a nutshell. Now we are ready for summer!

Maybe not the best advice

2010-06-15T14:11:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a rare sunny day, so the girls and I spent some time out on the front lawn, just enjoying the blue sky and playing in the dirt and grass. I swear it has been raining for a month straight, with one sunny day every 2 weeks or so. Plus, its so chilly--we have been in the low 60s on a good day, but this morning when I was going to the grocery store it was only 48! In June! I keep reminding myself that summer here is July-September and it will get nice, but June just is one big disappointment. Anyway, a neighbor was walking by with her friend and stopped to chat. My neighbor's friend has a daughter who is a senior in high school and is interested in science, biomedical research specifically, and my neighbor told her that I used to work in science, so she asked me for my opinion and any advice. First off, I think that mentoring is super important and if it weren't for the advice and support I received over the years, I never would have pursued my career to the extent that I did. So my first thought was 1) choose your words wisely 2) be honest and 3) don't sound too crabby. But, oh this is such a loaded question for me--how did you like being a scientist? Well, obviously, I am not one now, so you do the math. It did get me thinking about my path, as a scientist and now as a mother.

I always loved science. My crappy high school never had a science fair or anything like that, but I enjoyed science classes far more than any other subject. I majored in biology in college, thinking I would try to get into medical school, but I felt pretty intimidated and I have this whole fear of blood and vomit, plus I might need to like touch people, weird people in weird places--so medical school was out. I got a summer job at a cancer institute in my hometown in a research lab. I started off doing silly things like washing glassware and disposing of radioactive liquids, but I met and worked with a grad student (incidentally the author of Outnumbered Gal) and she taught me the basics of working in a lab. I loved it and she was a very patient teacher. I continued working in a lab back at college by getting an internship in the medical school and conducting my own project studying mechanisms of schizophrenia in rats. I had a great mentor, who really encouraged me to pursue a career in research. She was successful, yet happy and even seemed to have balance in her life. It looked like a good choice, plus I loved the work, even though I didn't really know what I was doing. I was so energized and excited (and naive) about it because the thought of doing world-class research with super smart people and making discoveries and contributions was just super cool, plus my whole career was in front of me. I really couldn't imagine doing anything else. So while all my biology classmates applied to medical school, I applied to graduate school and was accepted at nearly every program I applied to. I selected Northwestern and moved to Chicago.

I could write a book about my life in Chicago. It was one of those critical times in my life where good stuff happened and bad stuff happened, but overall it was the time where I gained true independence and grew into adulthood. As I began grad school and did rotations through different labs, I noticed that every single postdoctoral researcher I met was miserable. They may have liked science well enough, but they did not dig their job and they were quite cynical about the next step, i.e. moving on from being a scientist-in-training and becoming either a professor or a scientist in biotech/pharma. After they got their PhD, they worked as a postdoc for 2-5 years, for very little money and wow, they worked hard. Nights and weekends, long hours during the week. Many of these postdocs would even do 2 postdocs before moving on to the next step--yes, that is 10 years of post-graduate training. At the time, I was so confused b/c I was still so energized and excited about my career and I vowed to always be optimistic and to not become so jaded. After all, I chose this path.

I had a wonderfully supportive mentor and boss through graduate school. She was/is very successful who entered this field at a time when there were very very few women in science. The other thing about her is that she is a nice person and has other interests and hobbies, she is compassionate and funny. It was a pleasure to work for her. I learned so much from her. She is so important to me, both professionally and personally that she did a reading at our wedding. Anyway, my project was good. I made progress, published a bunch and graduated within 5 years. All in all, it was a good experience. It was also stressful. I always felt just a bit incompetant and inadequate, in over my head and the public speaking of giving seminars took years off my life--the anxiety I felt! I developed migraines, acid reflux, insomnia. Ugh, is any career worth that?

But, I had so much fun living in Chicago. I was in my early 20s and I had great girlfriends. I was in a long-term relationship that was not moving toward marriage, so I felt pretty carefree. I literally never thought about getting married and having a family and how I would fit all of it in with my career. If I had to come back to lab at 9pm for an experiment, it was no big deal--I lived close by and I had no other responsibilities. Looking back, I really did not think I would ever have children. Until my relationship ended and I met Bill. We fell in love quickly and it was intense. I suddenly knew we would get married and have kids. It was a wonder I got anything done at work during this time b/c I was so distracted! But just as quickly as our relationship began, Bill had to move to San Diego 6 months later to start his residency and I was left behind to finish up my PhD. I had about 2 years left, give or take.

After I graduated, I moved onto my postdoc in San Diego, Bill and I got married and we enjoyed our life in southern California. My postdoc was weird. I was finally in the same position as all the miserable people I met in grad school. I can't say I was miserable, but I did not have the same energy and optimism that I used to have. I still felt a bit inadequate, but I enjoyed the people I worked with (mostly). I was getting tired though. Tired of doing experiments that didn't work. Tired of writing all these grants for my boss. Tired of pretending my project was SO important, when really it was kind of boring, even to me. Speaking of my boss, she was as weird and inappropriate as they come--a huge contrast to all the mentors I had the pleasure of working with earlier in my career. But, I stayed 4 years, published a bunch and on paper, everything looked like I was moderately successful.

But the thing is, moderately successful doesn't really get you very far in science. To become a professor, you need to be uber successful and super dedicated in ways I will never be. There are very few positions available and a lot of postdocs who want those positions. Even getting a job in biotech/pharma isn't as easy as it used to be. You have to be willing to move anywhere to get the job and many if not most of these positions are not 9-5 types of jobs. I wasn't willing to move far away at that point. Bill and I had already been separated and by the time I was winding up my postdoc, I was pregnant with Lana. We were moving to Alexandria, VA for Bill's one year fellowship, so I thought I would stay home that year and then we will see if I want to go back to my career, depending on where we end up. I never went back and I don't really want to.

The biggest reason I am a stay at home mom is that I really enjoy being centered. I am never stressed out like I used to be. I have never had one night of insomnia since I stopped working. I don't feel torn between the kids and my job. I can't say every day is super fun, especially when the kids are sour and/or fussy, but overall, I try to enjoy them, have some fun, smile and laugh and make a decent dinner. My house is a mess, every closet unorganized, dirty dishes in the sink, but I don't care, I really don't. I'd rather play with the girls b/c that is why I am not working. I love sitting on the beach (if the damn sun would ever come out) on a Wednesday afternoon with Lana and I making a sandcastle. This is exactly why I am not working. If I was still a scientist, I would be bringing work home, doing literature searches instead of keeping this blog, writing papers and putting together presentations--all in the evenings. I would be feeling judged by my coworkers and boss for cutting out of work at 6pm so I could pick up the kids. Sadly, this persists in many environments in science, b/c working long hours is a badge of honor. I definitely don't miss the disappointments of experiments not working, grants not being funded and the constant criticisms/expectations. I definitely do miss getting a paycheck and the socializing with my coworkers. I suppose I also miss the intellectual aspect of my job, but frankly, I can read about new discoveries and understand research articles if I feel like it. But staying home is a good choice for our family b/c its good for me emotionally and health-wise and Bill's hours can be very long, so I am happy to provide the consistent schedule. I can't imagine us both having long hours--the kids would never see us.

So what did I say to this woman, whose daughter is interested in a career in science? I told her to come and talk to me if she wants to. I told her it was great when I was young, but its not very family-friendly and its hard to achieve balance. I hate to discourage and I really don't want to--I love to hear that young women are into science and math, but I also felt like honesty is important. I really feel like if its your dream, you gotta do it. I don't want to sound like those jaded post-docs. I really appreciate all of the mentoring support I received along the way and it was my dream and I did it. I just don't want to continue doing it b/c I feel like it will negatively impact our family life. I wish there was part-time or job sharing, but I have yet to hear of anything like that happening in this field. Ah, I just feel like I dished out some crappy advice to a young woman with her whole career ahead of her. I do hope she comes and talks to me, b/c its not a question I can answer in 2 sentences (obviously, this is quite the long post).

A first caught on tape!

2010-06-07T21:42:00.001-07:00

Last night Bill was giving Lacey a bath and happened to have the video camera rolling when she did something special. No, she did not toot in the tub or anything like that. Bill was so surprised, he almost dropped the camera. Try to ignore his goofy raspberries at the start--she is really good at razzing, so we are always mimicking her.

What are the chances of catching a "first" or any milestone on tape? Oh man, this makes me laugh every time and I have probably watched it 30 times. Lacey looks so surprised! The funny thing is, she is not really a mover--she doesn't crawl, not big on rolling around--she is pretty content to sit and observe, which is why Bill almost dropped the camera.

What a week!

2010-06-07T09:56:00.000-07:00

Whoa, last week was a doozie, but I am happy to report things are on the upswing now. It all started on the long weekend when Lana got a fever. It lasted 3 days and then she seemed fine, no other symptoms, so we chalked it up to a fever virus. Except then I got a sore throat on Sunday, and then Lana started coughing on Monday. And then my voice changed to that of a man and I was coughing up a lung. And then Lacey got the fever on Wednesday, followed by mucho boogers and coughing and well, the three of us were siiiiiick. Ah yes, seems like your typical cold, passed around the family, no big deal. This one knocked me out though for some reason.

On Tuesday when I took Lana to school, after we dropped her off, I witnessed a car accident, right in front of me. In fact, I was lucky that I didn't get hit. Luckily the person wasn't injured, just scared. It really rattled me though and I have been much more alert at the wheel.

On Wednesday-Friday, we had major construction going on in the house, as we had drywall hung and sanded, the temporary wall taken down, opening up our kitchen (yay!), and the floors taken out. They also took out our cooktop and oven, so cooking was sort of not possible. This was all very exciting, very very messy and VERY LOUD! We packed things up and went to my mom's apartment on Thursday when the drywall was being sanded, you know, so we could breathe and all. The timing kind of sucked though since we were all sick with coughing chest colds and I have asthma. Lana had a few meltdowns due to the noise and being stuck upstairs in my bedroom for hours at a time with only me and Lacey and some toys. It wasn't pretty and it wasn't a showcase for my best parenting moments. Between the sickness and this incessant rain, I am losing it! I need summer and I need it now.

We just got our new stove delivered and hooked up, so we are back in action, although the layer of dirt everywhere is kind of fun in a rinse-before-you-use kind of way. Our new space is going to be great. We will have an eat-in kitchen, storage for coats and shoes, a huge new pantry space that will also store craft supplies and the best: a big deck that gets afternoon sun, for eating outside all summer long, once the damn rain stops. I keep reminding myself its going to be great! Bill says to me: you know, we were dreading the kitchen being ripped out and all the mess and craziness and really its not so bad! My response: HUH? You go to work! You are not here all day, listening to the noise. Lana is like--mooommmm, I want a snack! No, not those snacks, the ones in the kitchen--whine whine. Yeah, the kitchen we have no access to?! Oh brother!

Anyway, the week ended on a good note--we got one day of sunshine which allowed us to garden a bit and be outside, breathing fresh air and soaking up some Vitamin D. Also, we had Lana's birthday party on Sunday at the Children's Museum. I kept it super simple--we ordered pizza and did a Costco cake and I brought a fruit salad. I even socialized with all of our guests and my brain didn't explode--almost though. I have a really hard time with kids' b-day parties b/c all of the noise--the kids talking, the parents talking, keeping an eye on my kid while trying to have a normal conversation--I get overstimulated easily. I totally know how to have a dinner party, but for some reason, kids' b-day parties are overwhelming. I think its the sheer number of people. Dinner parties tend to be smaller and I do better in smaller crowds. Anyway, I ramble. The kids looked like they were having fun, so that's all that counts. It was also cute to see Lana hang with her friends without wanting me to be two feet away from her at all times. That kid is growing up, I tell ya!

It was a good ending to a challenging week. I am super excited about this week. Tonight: preschool graduation. Thursday: last day of school! I am also hopeful that the sun might come out as well!!! Yay, summer!

Happy 4th Birthday Lana!

2010-05-31T20:51:00.000-07:00

Dear Lana,
Today you turn 4 years old! FOUR!!?!? Officially, this is big girl status. Of course you will always be my baby, but you are definitely not a baby. On the day you were born, I had absolutely no clue what it was going to be like to be your mom. The doctors wrapped you up tight and brought you to me and I gave you a kiss on your cute, round cheek and instantly I fell in love. Our love for you has grown exponentially each day and I am so grateful for you and what you bring to our family. You are a treasured gift and I hope you always feel that way.

This has been a big year for you! I have seen you grow in so many ways. Just one year ago, you were so afraid to leave me to go anywhere--to your Amma's, to school. Now you have so much independence and confidence. When I drop you off at school, you just jump out of the car and wave to me as you walk on in. You tell me all about your day when I pick you up. Who was there, who was out sick, what everyone brought for sharing, who was the special leader, who you played with and what you learned about. You sing all these wonderful songs from school and you have a lovely singing voice. There is nothing better when you smile and laugh--when you find something SO funny. I especially like it when you say, "You're funny mom!" I try.

You love to play pretend. We play "Coming over to your house", "Camp Out", "Call me if you need anything" and "Tea party". You build elaborate pillow forts in our bed. You love to jump on the bed and have Baba play wrestling with you. You love to roll or toss a ball down our hallway and laugh hysterically when one of us misses.

You enjoy crafts and everything creative, including cooking and baking. I love it that you focus and concentrate so much when you are doing art. I also love your creations and drawings. You always write: TO MAMA and FROM LANA in all caps. You can write most of the letters in caps and some in lowercase. You impress me with all the information you hold in your brain and how you can say words like "acidophilis" with such clarity.

You are a happy and polite child. You always say hello to friends and teachers and you are so kind and considerate to kids and adults alike. This makes me proud.

This year you became a big sister. I honestly was a little worried about how you would adapt to having a baby in the house and how you would handle everyone giving her all kinds of attention. But you, being so mature and all, are very proud to be Lacey's big sister. I love watching Lacey smile when you walk into the room. I love all the help you give me, both with baby care and around the house. I love that you are always gentle with Lacey and that you want to teach her everything. She is lucky to have a teacher like you.

I hope you had a nice birthday this year, even though you weren't feeling well. When you woke up this morning, the first thing you said was, "Its my birthday! I don't feel four."

For these past 4 years, you have brought us immeasurable joy and happiness. I can't believe you are already such a big kid and I can't wait to see what this next year brings. How we love you, sweet Lana!

XOXO, Mama and Baba

Gimme some earplugs

2010-05-26T20:23:00.000-07:00

I know its a good thing that Lana has an extensive vocabulary, that she can pronounce very big words so clearly even a stranger can understand her. I know she has a lot going on in that brain of hers, that she is very creative, inquisitive and imaginative. These are great attributes and most of the time, we feel pleased and proud. But sometimes, for goodness sake I wish she would stop talking--for just a few minutes. Lana wakes up telling me all about her dreams--cool and interesting. This morning she came into my bed at 6:15am and proceeded to talk loudly and incessantly about phone numbers, while my eyes were still closed and I was barely conscious. Lana: "Mom, what is Miss Jamie's phone number?"
Me: (groggily and slurring my words): "I dunno, its on my pink phone."
Lana: "Mom, what is Auntie Mo's phone number?"
Me: "I dunno, its on my pink phone."

She kept it up for like 10 minutes asking me about everyone's phone number. Holy crap, I was wishing I could pull the covers over my head. The thing is, I am pretty used to her constant talking. I love our great conversations, her questions are priceless (although sometimes I feel like I am in the inquisition) and her observations make me laugh. But when she runs out of things to say, she just makes noise. When she is tired, she goes hyperspeed bonkers with the talking. When I am paying attention to Lacey--like if I am doing something indulgent like feeding her or changing her diaper, Lana just talks LOUDER.

I recently went to my bookclub and someone said they got rid of cable and I commented that I could not entertain that possibility any time soon b/c tv is the only thing that cuts the talking for a few minutes. Then I mentioned that I have the DVD in the car so that I can drive in peace safely without hearing, "Mom, look! Mom, let's play Simon says--mom, I can't see you touching your nose." My friend looked at me like I am the worst mom ever for using the tv to shut my kid up. But my friend has never spent a day with Lana. Sometimes when my inlaws drop off Lana after watching her all day, my MIL, who barely speaks English says, "Wow, Lana all day talk, talk, talk."

Most of the time the talking is a good thing, but some days when I am tired or I am just frustrated, I seriously need some earplugs. Imagine what this girl is going to do when she is a teenager and is always on the phone.

Feeling a little funky and clucked up

2010-05-23T21:31:00.001-07:00

I am in a huge writing rut. I can't seem to find the energy and brainpower required to write complete sentences at the end of the day. I enjoy reading everyone else's blog, and I even manage to post comments, but when it comes to writing my own blog posts, I am just empty. During my busy days, I think about things I want to write about like the sucky things about not earning money, how to instill gratitude in the girls, how Lana is in a huge lying phase which is driving me bonkers, our magical trip to Disneyland and the Korean wedding we attended. But alas, at the end of the day when I finally get a turn to use the computer, all I can do is passively look at facebook, reply to a few emails and stare blankly at the tv. So I guess, I am in a funk of sorts.

I have been trying to curb the cursing out of my mouth. I wish Bill was on board b/c his cursing is ten times worse than mine. Lana, being the rule-follower that she is does not experiment with bad words b/c she knows they are bad words. She does however tell us not to "say that". So I have been coming up with alternative phrases for the common outbursts I have. Clearly Lana is paying attention b/c she was looking at my mom's feet which are in need of a pedicure and she says, "grandma, your heels are pretty clucked up." Indeed, clucked up is exactly how my brain feels at the end of the day. Hopefully, this phase will pass soon and I can get back to writing about the very exciting things I normally post about like sleep issues. Ha! Just kidding, what could be more boring than me complaining about how my baby doesn't sleep? Perhaps this is all related somehow...

Gifts from Lacey

2010-05-04T11:28:00.000-07:00

I spend so much time complaining about how Lacey does not sleep that I feel like I often overlook all of her good points which totally and completely overshadow the fact that we are a bit tired. She has given me so many gifts and there are so many things, big and small that I love about her.

That smile! She smiles all day long. Especially when her Baba comes home. Sometimes I am a little jealous that she smiles the biggest for her dad, but I am glad mostly because he wanted a boy but got the world's biggest daddy's girl instead. He knows he is lucky indeed. Her smile now includes a tooth, which is so cute. She is so happy and so rarely fussy that when she is, I know its nap time. I really didn't know babies could be this smiley and happy.

She is content to sit and play with her toys on a blanket, in the Pack N Play, on the floor of my bedroom. Lana was never content to sit and do anything when she was a baby. No kidding, I am not remembering this incorrectly. Lacey likes to explore her toys with her hands. She doesn't immediately put things into her mouth. She loves to pick up, drop, go after it and repeat. I can see the wheels turning in her head. She doesn't get frustrated too easily either unless she belly flops while reaching for something and gets stuck. Such a happy little bugger!

I love Lacey's hands--the 4 little dimples over her knuckles, the pudgy wrists--ooh, I could just eat them up. I also love the bottoms of her feet. Her tushie is pretty cute too, unless it is stinky.

I know I have covered this before, but it never gets old: baby giggles. Enough said.

When you hold Lacey, she hugs you back. Love it!

Lacey has given me the gift of confidence. I was a stress case when Lana was a baby. I didn't know what I was doing. She didn't seem happy. Lacey rewards me every day with confidence that I can do this--I can face each day with happiness and joy. I meet her needs and the needs of the family and I can do it without having a nervous breakdown. Plus, she is growing, pudgy and happy. Its a gift to be her mommy. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think this very thought.

Lacey has also given me the gift of healing. She was born 4 weeks after my dad died and I know if she hadn't joined our family, I would be in a lot worse shape. It is amazing how a new life helps to heal the hole in my heart. I recently went to a funeral for my neighbor's 100 year old mother and although I clearly was not emotionally ready to attend a funeral, the pastor came up to me and Lacey, gave the baby a blessing and thanked me for bringing her to remind everyone about the circle of life. Having Lacey at this exact moment in my life has been a tremendous blessing. Its amazing what a little, innocent baby can teach us!

I can't wait to see what the next few months bring. I can't wait for the first words, the crawling, pulling up and walking. I can't wait to see Lacey interacting with Lana more. I do believe they are a gift to one another. While I have always been happy to be an only child, when I was growing up I often had fear that if something happened to my parents I would be all alone in the world (morbid, huh?). I do find comfort that if something happened to me, the girls will have each other. It is my wish that they are friends and have each others backs, although I know this is not always the way it is. When I was pregnant, I couldn't imagine what life was going to be like with two kids. I still often look at them and think, "Wow, I have TWO kids!" I certainly didn't anticipate all of the gifts Lacey would bring to our family and for that I am eternally grateful. I can't wait to see what the future holds for her and for all of us.

Aloha

2010-04-28T12:56:00.000-07:00

We had a great time on vacation. The girls did pretty amazing on the long flight to Kauai, especially Lana. I got her one of those hand-held Leapster game thingys and between that, coloring and a million snacks, she was good to go. Lacey didn't really fuss or cry much on the flight, although she didn't really sleep either (big shocker there). She would only catnap for like 30-45 minutes and that was it. Our resort was just beautiful and we just planned on hanging out at the pool and beach, rather than sightseeing, like we used to do before kids. The mission was to unwind, relax, swim, eat and drink. And we did!

So here is the trip in photos:
I am feeling brave to post this photo in my bathing suit, but Lana's face says it all--do you think she looks happy or what?This is the day Lacey cut her very first tooth! I tried to get her to open up, but no deal.
Each afternoon, we brought the girls back to the room at 2pm for a nap. Lana has not napped since last summer, but with the time difference, it was essential. The miraculous thing about it is that both girls slept at the same time and Bill and I enjoyed a beer and a book out on the lanai. AND we managed to do this every single day! Both girls asleep at the same time for 5 days in a row is no small wonder! It was wonderful! Here are my sleeping beauties:

I love this pic of Lana with the plumeria--she was looking at this woman standing behind me.
Because it was not hot (mid 70s with wind and some rain too), we could really be outside without getting overheated. None of us got sunburned thanks to some serious SPF and Lacey could nap outside when she got fussy--we just wrapped her up in a towel and rocked her to sleep. I even nursed outside (covered up, of course)!
And finally, some sisterly love....
It was a great trip. We had a few behavior meltdowns and only one sour morning out of Lana. The biggest challenge was Lacey's sleep--no surprise there, but she is easygoing enough that even sleep-deprived, she was in a decent mood. Bill and I caught up on sleep too since we went to bed at the same time as the girls each night. It was nice. Overall, a great family vacation. I can't tell you the number of times we told Lana how lucky she is to be able to go on great trips like this. Gratitude and perspective is something we really struggle with teaching her. We all felt lucky to be able to have such a nice getaway.

Weekend Recap

2010-04-26T10:40:00.000-07:00

I promise to get to our vacation, complete with photos and videos, but I only have a few minutes, so I will recap our weekend.

We are desperately trying to re-acclimate to our time zone, as jet lag has screwed us all up. Lana is pretty much back to normal, except she is eating meals at strange times, but I can live with that. Lacey is all over the place. She slept "normally" the first 2 nights home (every 2-3h wakeups), but over the weekend she woke up 4 times before midnight and then at 3am we let her cry, which lasted till about 6am. Yes, that is 3h. Not 3h of continuous crying though--she cries for 10 min, falls asleep for about 5-10min and then cries again, stops, sleeps a few minutes, repeat for 3 h. Finally at 6am, I went in, nursed, rocked, pleaded and she slept for a whopping 2h. It sucked the life out of Bill and I. Luckily, Lana slept through the whole thing. I just can't figure out this baby. I mean the whole point of CIO is the out part. She never got there. Last night, we co-slept b/c I couldn't do another night like that. Tonight we are starting a new strategy, but sadly I am not hopeful at this point. I feel like she is the world's worst sleeper--every little thing wakes her up.

Aside from not sleeping, Bill and I managed to get some things accomplished. We went to the lumber store to choose a wood floor for the new kitchen, we researched and looked at new appliances, and we measured and measured and contemplated about which cabinets to add and where. We are keeping our countertops and existing cabinets, but when we change out the appliances, we will lose some cabinet space, so we hope to add a few to make up for the lost space.

Lana spent a lot of time with my mom and they had a blast. I think Lana was just so grateful to get out of the house with boring old mom who does nothing except coax the baby to sleep. I love the relationship that Lana has with my mom. Its so fulfilling to watch develop. Lana was uber sweet this weekend too, which doesn't hurt. I mean REALLY great. Like, "Lana, would you please do XYZ?" "Sure mom!" Whoa. Its good stuff. Bill had a work meeting/dinner on Saturday night, so mom came over and we made pizza (with rice milk cheese for me--not bad, really) and rented Alvin and the Chipmunks. Lana loved the movie, which was really surprising since her attention span for feature films is kind of low.

I spent Sunday morning making baby food for the first time. It was pretty easy, although I need more ice cube trays. Lacey ate the home made sweet potatoes happily. Yay to that and thanks to Desi for the inspiration.

So that was the weekend in a nutshell. This week is looking pretty busy, but on the top of my list is those photos from vacation.

Catching up and a mystery solved

2010-04-23T21:10:00.000-07:00

We just returned from an awesome, relaxing, fun-filled vacation and I want to post all about our trip, but I am catching up with 18 loads of laundry, unpacking and two very tired and jet-lagged children. Have I mentioned we are remodeling? Well, the wall came down while we were away and there is a layer of dust/dirt on every surface on the first floor. The first thing I did was mop when we got home. Fun! Its going to be great when we are done, but for now its a mess and its loud during the day, which incidentally is not helping our baby's sleep situation. But that is another post for another day.

Three weeks ago when I took Lacey for her allergy testing and she tested positive for milk protein allergy, it was recommended that I eliminate all dairy from my diet since I am still breastfeeding. I told the doctor I am already doing that--I don't eat cheese, ice cream, milk, etc. She handed me a detailed list of all of the dairy sources I should be more strict about eliminating--things like whey, casein, butter, chocolate (boo hoo) and dairy ingredients in processed foods, crackers, cereals, cookies. So after I had a little pity party about the chocolate, I switched over to soy butter and I changed my non-dairy creamer, which has casein, to a soy based creamer and I read labels on everything.

I can't say Lacey's eczema, reflux or sleep issues have improved any, but I have noticed a marked improvement in my own health! Ever since I had Lana, I have been suffering with IBS. Its lovely. And embarrassing. I pretty much always feel some sort of tummy trouble. Every day its something and sometimes it makes me anxious about leaving the house or traveling b/c who wants tummy trouble on an airplane or in the car? I have received very little help from gastroenterologists--they just tell you to take fiber and don't eat foods that bother you. I did acupuncture. No help there. Chinese herbs helped the most, but then I got pregnant with Lacey and had to stop. Well, since I cut out dairy strictly--meaning all that whey and casein, my tummy has felt almost...normal. I initially thought that it was just a lull in my symptoms, but its been a full 3 weeks now and I still feel good--even with traveling! I literally haven't felt this good in almost 4 years. Its totally worth the sacrifices of chocolate and ice cream. Totally. I have Lacey's milk allergy to thank. I cannot express how happy this makes me. I hope Lacey grows out of her milk allergy, but I will likely permanently be dairy free. Its such a simple solution.

Just try not to smile

2010-04-04T21:00:00.001-07:00

This is my first try with video, so this is a bit of an experiment.

Here is my happy, HAPPY baby. Ooh, I could just eat her up!

Make an on-line slideshow at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Jinxed

2010-04-04T20:32:00.000-07:00

Oh yeah, I saw it coming, I jinxed the hell out of myself with my last post when I spoke so highly of Lana's wonderful behavior. Man oh man, what a friggen week we had. It was spring break, aka "drive your mother nuts" week. I contracted one hell of a cold, the kind where you cough and cough and cough till a little pee comes out. My asthma is acting up which is also causing some laryngitis. So Lana figured out that I can't really yell and that I prefer to not use my voice at all because it just leads to the coughing spells. Yeah right, try to parent Miss Talking Nonstop without actually talking. Plus, she is bored because there is no school, its been raining and we are stuck in the house giving Lacey her naps on schedule, hoping against hope that one of these days her night sleep will improve.

So it was a tough week. Lana was a royal pain in the ass on Thursday, Friday and Saturday. It was so very challenging, mostly because it has been a LONG time since I have seen this type of behavior. There was stubborn defiance, crying, a whole lotta "NOs!" and just general misery and bad behavior. I felt like crap, so I didn't have any reserves for this business. There was yelling, even though it was more like croaking and about 3 octaves lower than my normal voice. By the time Bill came home on Friday, I just wanted to walk out the door and take a few cleansing breaths.

But today, she is back. Sweet Lana, dear lovely Lana. Whew! She was even content to spend the whole day at home, just playing with whoever would give her attention. Sometimes I think that Lana doesn't have a lot of toys, especially age appropriate toys, especially compared to her friends, but the truth is, she doesn't want more toys--she wants our attention. I am her favorite toy! She is not good at independent play. I have been told that some children can play with toys in their rooms for hours. What? Kids can DO that? Not mine! She wants to imagine. We play beach party, dance party, princess ball party. She builds pillow forts called her "house" and brings in her "babies" and "snacks". She cooks me pretend meals and even today she set up a very elaborate garage sale complete with snacks and a lemonade stand.

I am so happy spring break is over and we can get back to our regular routine. I am hoping this heinous cold goes away soon and that we can stay healthy for a couple more weeks as we get ready for our vacation. Vacation!!

Household update

2010-03-29T20:54:00.000-07:00

I have been having a tough time finding time to blog and when I do, I am generally so tired that I can't come up with anything too inspired or cohesive. I have been really trying to unplug and connect with Bill in the evenings b/c we have a hard time finding time to tend to each other and it bugs me. I am afraid that if we don't make an effort to connect, the days all blend together in the routine of parenting and I worry that a couple of years will go by and we will look at each other like, "Hi there, who are you again?". Its definitely not easy to nurture your relationship when you rarely get time away from the kids and evenings are filled with screen time and then we dive into bed hoping to get a couple of hours before someone wakes up. So we are working on that.

Here is what has been going on in our house:

We are in the throws of remodeling our house. Our back yard is all mud and there is a big hole with the cement poured for the foundation. Its especially lovely when it rains. Especially b/c we have to go through the back yard to access our garage (we have alley access to our garage only). We are becoming one with mud and dirt and noise, which has made me care even less if my house is clean and tidy. I am not sure what is going to happen when they tear down the wall and we don't have use of our kitchen. A shitload of take-out, I imagine--LOL!

Lana is such a joyful kid lately. So sweet and kind. She laughs a lot, has a ton of energy and TALKS. The talking can sometimes totally overwhelm me. She just keeps on going from the moment she wakes up till the moment her eyes slam shut. Her behavior has been stellar (I'm sure I jinxed myself many times over here), except for a few instances of not listening, which usually leads to me raising my voice, which then promptly hurts her feelings and she "needs a minute" which means she goes to her room for a few minutes to either cool off or cry. There has been no major behavior issues, no leaving public places kicking and screaming like we used to do, no time-outs in the corner with the timer, no privileges being taken away. I am enjoying this moment of calm b/c I know it can be fleeting.

She has been doing great in school. Lana loves her teachers and her classmates. She is beginning to sound out words, read a few and her writing is impressive (I think, at least). The art continues to amaze me, mostly b/c she is so into it and she takes it so seriously.

Lana is also becoming interested in her sister, finally. She has always been very kind to Lacey, but she has seemed a little afraid of her, mostly b/c Lacey was so tiny and delicate and we were always reminding her to be gentle. Now Lana wants to hold her, feed her with the spoon and "play" with her. Lana has never said anything mean to or about Lacey, which has really surprised me. I am so looking forward to watching their relationship develop and I hope and pray everyday that they like each other most days.

Lacey, sweet Lacey is 6 months old!!! I know this deserves its own post. She is such a happy and calm baby. She loves to cuddle and be held. She has such an easygoing personality and it still amazes us--we literally had no idea that babies could be like this. I can't help but compare Lacey to Lana when she was a baby and the differences are astounding! Things that were a HUGE deal for Lana (like immunizations, or strangers) are no biggie for Lacey. Of course, Lana slept through the night by the time she was 6 months old and well, we are no where near that goal with Lacey. But I know one day she will sleep and so will I. It may be a year from now, but at least its possible. A couple of days ago, Lacey had some great nights where she was only up 3 times in 12h (with a 5h stretch!). But last night, she was back to her every 2h business, which sucks. The sleep training has helped her take longer naps and she has a pretty predictable schedule now, but nights are still all over the place. It is SO hard to listen to crying in the middle of the night especially b/c she tends to cry for a few minutes, stop for a few minutes, then start again and stop--this can go on for an hour or more. I know 5 minutes of nursing will put her back to sleep (and us too), so I often cave after about 30 min of the on/off crying. Things have gotten tons better overall, but like I said, we are not even remotely close to sleeping through.

Lacey only rolls from belly to back at this point probably b/c we are always holding her. She sits up pretty well, but she will topple over after a few minutes. We started introducing solids a couple of weeks ago and she is doing great with it so far. She loves rice cereal and sweet potatoes. She does pretty well with prunes and apples, but butternut squash she sends back every spoonful. I am amazed at how much volume she can eat of the solids. So far I am doing some trials with the Gerber stage 1 foods, but I just bought a mini blender and some ice cube trays so that I can make my own foods. I never did this with Lana, but I am going to try with Lacey and see how it goes. I can only hope that Lacey is half as good of an eater as Lana. So far, so good though! I have to admit that the whole baby food stage is not my favorite. Its so messy and the poops get really gnarly.

I finally had Lacey allergy tested. Her eczema was not getting better. Well, it gets better as long as we keep the steroids on her skin. As soon as we stop, the eczema comes right back. But even when you can't see any rash, she still seems itchy. Its the worst on her head, forehead and around her ears. She scratches like crazy, especially at night. Up until a few days ago, she has been swaddled arms in because of the scratching. We did one arm out, now both arms are out. But, I have to keep her hands covered when her arms are out so she doesn't scratch. It is getting hard to find shirts with the hand-covers on the wrists in her size. So we are going to try the second line treatment for eczema and I took her to the allergist to see if there was anything in my diet that may be contributing to the eczema. The skin test revealed a very strong allergy to milk (I am already eliminating dairy from my diet), but no other allergens showed a positive result, thankfully. I am so glad I know b/c there was some question about whether I should eliminate soy as well b/c so many milk allergic kids also have soy allergies. But now I know that soy is okay. They say kids frequently outgrow eczema and milk allergies, so we will re-test when she is about 2 or 3, but for now we will be dairy free, which really isn't that hard.

I can't believe I have made it 6 months of breastfeeding! YAY! The thrush a few months back almost did me in. I was on diflucan for almost 2 months and I still had pain. I almost threw in the towel, but I am so glad I didn't. Lacey gets one bottle of formula every 2 or 3 days, mostly so she stays accustomed to the taste of it and now that she is on solids, the demand for a huge supply is much less. I really hope to make it for the full year. This is a major accomplishment for me, even just the 6 months.

I love this baby so fully. I love looking at her face, kissing her cheeks, making her giggle. Her gummy smile never ever gets old. I love that when I hold her, she kind of grabs on and hugs back. We call Lacey "Bill's special friend" b/c they have such a strong bond, but really both girls are our special friends--I feel so blessed to have them and they fill my heart with happiness every single day.

Art

2010-03-16T20:25:00.000-07:00

Ask Lana what she wants to be when she grows up and she will always say an artist. Its her favorite part of school. We also do art or a craft every afternoon during Lacey's nap. Sometimes its just coloring or drawing, sometimes its something more involved. I personally like the craft kits you buy, since I am not creative myself and the kits have everything you need. The problem with most kits is that they can be completed in about 10 minutes and then its done. Nothing makes her happier or quieter than being creative. I love that she loves it and I love her creations. One problem is we have no designated craft space--we do not have an eat-in kitchen (yet--we are remodeling to include one), so we do crafts in the dining room, with the new furniture and area rug (yikes!) and a lot of plastic drop cloths. The other issue is what to do with all of her creations. Holy crap, we have crafts, masterpieces, beautiful drawings, decoupages, paintings, magnets, frames, etc. That doesn't include what she brings home from school or the endless supplies. What do I do with all of these things? I display some on the fridge, I save my favorites and a lot end up in the recycling bin. Please don't tell her. I have pulled a lot of, "I don't know how THAT got in there--must have been Baba."

I have decided to photograph some of her latest creations in a variety of media, but of course these are just a few of many, with new masterpieces each day.

Here she is doing watercolor (I painted the flowers).
Here is a person with a very tall ice cream cone--many scoops and they are all strawberry.
A project from school--she loves to paint.
Even the chalkboard is fun still:
Even shaving cream is an opportunity for drawing:

Six months later

2010-03-08T20:26:00.000-08:00

My dad has been gone for 6 months and at times I still find it so hard to believe. I am not a sentimental, "anniversary" type of person, but I am taken aback by how sad I feel each month on the 27th, marking another month that my dad has been in heaven. The tough part is that Lacey turned 5 months on Feb 28th, so each time I celebrate her reaching another month, I am reminded that my dad was taken from our lives one month and one day before she was born. I wonder if I will ever be able to be happy about Lacey turning another month old without first thinking about how long dad has been gone and how much he has missed.

I think about visiting his grave often, but I haven't been able to do it since his birthday in November. Its just so painful and raw to see his name, on a grave marker. The loss feels bigger and deeper and in-your-face. I feel a little guilty about not going and bringing flowers and making sure there are no leaves or dirt on the stone.

In the 6 months that have passed, I feel like I view the world a little differently. I have always been a worst-case-scenario type of person, but it seems worse now. All the cliche things about how you never know what tomorrow will bring, live your life to the fullest, etc. seem so urgent all of a sudden. At the beginning of 2009, my dad did not have symptoms or a diagnosis of cancer. He never saw 2010. I find myself thinking of morbid possibilities like I could die in a car crash, have an aneurysm, something could happen to my husband or worse, one of the girls. Its not all-consuming, or something I obsess about, but the thoughts occur to me sometimes. I am so less focused on a clean house or whether the dishes are done. I want to enjoy the moment, focus on what's important. I try to drink it all in--the smell of my baby, Lana's laugh, Bill's smile. Who really knows what tomorrow brings. There are truly no guarantees in life.

I can't believe my dad is missing all of this. I wish he could see the mother I have become. I wish he could hold this baby who loves to be held and see the beautiful artwork that Lana creates. As we are getting ready to remodel our kitchen, I wish I could call him and ask his advice. He was very handy, did a kitchen remodel when I was growing up and sold appliances for many years--he could give us so much advice, but more than that, he would be so interested and involved. I feel the loss each time we talk about the project. Its these little things that all add up. For me this is what grief looks like 6 months later.

I love living here

2010-03-04T14:29:00.000-08:00

Beth recently asked me how I like living here at a time when I am literally in love with the Pacific NW. We have had a very mild winter (sorry to all you east-coasters) and spring is in the air. We have had many sunny days with bright blue skies. The cherry blossom trees are in full bloom and line the streets of our neighborhood. It looks like pink cotton candy trees. The daffodils are in bloom, the magnolia trees are starting. We live in a very old, established neighborhood, so the trees are huge and everything is so green from the rainy winter. That is one of the things I love about the climate--we never get that brown frozen tundra season that I experienced on the east coast and midwest. The winters are rarely really cold--I think we had a few days of record cold which was like 20 degrees ABOVE zero, but mostly its in the 40s during the winter months. The evergreens keep things looking green and our grass is green all winter too. People complain about the rain, but I don't think its that bad. The beautiful weather we had this past February was wonderful! I took the girls to the park, we did sidewalk chalk the other day, Lacey and I went for a couple of walks. We all wore winter coats, but we didn't need hats or mittens. I can't wait for summer so we can spend more time outside, have playdates at the parks and beaches and picnics too. I also have been really appreciating the beautiful snowcapped mountains--on a clear day they are breathtaking and I can see them anytime I am just driving around running errands. We have lived in many different places, from cities to the burbs, from the east coast to the west coast and this is just such a good fit for our family. Imagine if I was like an outdoorsy person! I would love it even more, but even for a city girl like me, I love it here and Seattle is only 20 minutes away. Anyone want to come visit?

I actually put on some lipstick

2010-03-01T20:28:00.000-08:00

We did something this weekend, we have never done before: we got a babysitter! Woo-hoo!! When Lana was a baby, we never got a babysitter because we were new to VA and didn't know anyone, certainly not anyone we would leave our precious new baby with. Plus Lana was high-maintenance, its not like a babysitter would be too excited about watching a screamer for hours. When we moved here to the NW, Bill's parents soon followed and we had instant babysitting. But Lana was 18 months old and was not too keen on staying anywhere without me. She would spend one day a week at her grandparents' house. She did one overnight at their house when Lana was nearly 2 and it was a disaster--she cried and cried and said she never wanted to do that again. So we didn't push the issue and we have always returned before her bedtime.

Bill and I almost never go out. When my mom lived with us, she watched Lana once a month or every other month, while we went out to dinner, but I always felt bad about it b/c my mom was at home all week with me and Lana and was sad about not having a job. It felt kind of rude to ask her to stay home on a Saturday night. But its so important for our relationship to have a date night once in a while. An overnight in Seattle is still a dream for us at this point. A weekend away seems like a total impossibility. Lana is still not receptive to staying at her grandparents house or my mom's house overnight and now having Lacey too just compounds the problem. Part of the problem is that Bill's parents and my mom each had one child, 30-some years ago, so dealing with 2 kids, one being an infant is kind of overwhelming for them.

So this past weekend, we had a fundraiser to attend and Bill's practice was sponsoring the event, so we really needed to go. We hired a babysitter! My friend has a babysitter that watches her kids during the day and she is magical. She has 4 kids of her own, all grown and she thinks watching 2 kids is no biggie. Plus Lana knows her from playdates at our friend's house and she feels comfortable with her. Everything went great! I didn't even wonder how things were going, I just went to the event, had 3 glasses of champagne, (which totally made me silly), spoke to grownups and most importantly I had a nice time with my husband. When we came home, both girls were sleeping and the magic babysitter even did the dishes and folded laundry! WOW!

Bill and I really need to get out alone more often. We love spending time with the kids, but so often he takes one, I take the other and we don't see each other at all! Whether its the magic babysitter, or some other babysitter, I don't want it to be such a rare event.

The best part? The next morning Lana says to me, "Mommy, I missed you last night!"

Sleep progress

2010-02-26T21:08:00.000-08:00

I really wanted to wait until Lacey was closer to 6 months old. I wanted to wait until her cold was over. I wanted to wait until I was sure her reflux meds were working. But, I didn't, I couldn't.

When Lacey was born until she was 3 months old, I thought out loud (big mistake)--I have a great sleeper--YAY! Then over the course of the last two months I have slowly watched her sleep patterns get worse and worse. The 4 hour stretch that disappeared. The every 2h at night go to every single freakin hour. Every night. For weeks. The final straw came early this week after another horrendous night of night wakings when all of her wakeful time during the day she spent fussing. She wanted to be held and walked. She could barely stay awake for an hour and when she napped it was only for 30 minutes. On Monday she took probably five 30 minute naps and was miserable in between. I just couldn't do this anymore. I missed my happy baby, I was utterly exhausted and I decided that on Tuesday we would start sleep training. So I pulled out my books. We were putting Lacey to bed WAY too late. She never had a consistent nap schedule. Her naps were too short. And of course the night wakings that were making me crazy have to be reduced. I recognize that at barely 5 months she still probably needs to eat overnight, but not every hour or even every 2 hours. So first I wanted to teach her to self-soothe to fall asleep and then see if the naps could be extended and the night waking frequency to be decreased. The other issue we have is she is still swaddled, arms in, b/c of the eczema. When she gets an arm out, she scratches and wakes herself up. So here we go--I braced myself.

Night One: 7:30 bedtime. We tried arms out on the swaddle. She cried hard at first for about 10 minutes, then fell asleep. Not bad. 45 minutes later, she woke up and cried for a few minutes, then fell asleep for a few minutes, then up and down many times until about 10pm. I fed her at 10pm, swaddled her arms in and she slept for FOUR HOURS!! I fed her again and she slept another 3 hours. It was wonderful.

The next day, we took Lana to preschool, Lacey fell asleep for about 30 min on the ride home and was fussy after that. I put her down for a nap drowsy but awake about 30 min after we came home. She went to sleep with no crying and slept for 30 min. When she fussed, I let her be. She cried for 5 min and went to sleep again for an hour!! WOW! She had another 2 naps like this that day and she was in bed at 7:15 for the night. The second night she woke up every 2-3h and I fed her most of them. The third night she slept from 7-12:30!! That's 5h!! This is going very well.

Today was day 3 and Lacey took 3 great naps--all 1.5-2h in duration. For each nap and at bedtime, she goes down awake, fully swaddled (arms in) and there is little to no crying. I can't believe it. I feel like I have my life back and my happy baby back. She and I are still catching up on so much lost sleep and severe overtiredness, but I am optimistic, things are better for all of us.

The first night was rough on me. I was wound tight. I didn't like to listen to her cry. I hated her hoarse voice. My husband was not sympathetic to my pain, but he is not a mom. We moms are wired differently. But today, just 3 days later--I am happy, I am laughing, I have more patience. I feel so proud of Lacey for getting it and doing so great with it. When we sleep trained Lana, she cried for a long time. Many nights, for many minutes for many weeks. Her cry was intense and persistent. Lacey yells a lot, but does not have the same intensity in her cry, which makes it a lot easier to deal with. Things are not perfect. She still is night waking way more than she should. The swaddle is a problem too--I want her to sleep in a sleep sack without scratching or startling herself awake. Plus we have to take Lana to school and then pick her up a few hours later and Lacey always falls asleep in the car which messes up the rhythm of her nap schedule for the entire day. There is nothing we can do about that. So we are going to stay close to home for a few weeks to see if we can come up with some sort of consistent sleep pattern for her. Some kids can just roll with the punches and sleep wherever, whenever. Neither of my girls are like that. I am just so happy we have made progress and I have slept for more than 2h straight. Wish me luck that the good habits continue!

Things I love about Lacey

2010-02-21T20:28:00.001-08:00

I sure do enough complaining about how little sleep Lacey gives me, but really other than that, she is the sweetest little thing in the world! I look at Lana and wonder how just like a minute ago she was a baby and now look at her--a little person, who is growing up a little too fast for me sometimes. I know in the blink of an eye these girls will be all grown up and will prefer the company of their friends rather than their mom and dad. Its no secret that I don't really love the baby phase. Babies are hard for me to figure out. But, there are things I want to savor and remember, things I don't remember about when Lana was a baby.

My favorite things about Lacey in no particular order:

1. She loves a good cuddle. She takes comfort in my arms. She loves to be held--all day long if she had her wish.

2. Her eyes are dark and shiny like 2 marbles, or chocolate chips. I love it when she looks right at you, eyes wide and observant.

3. Her soft duck-fuzz hair. Now that her cradle cap/eczema is gone, I love to rub her head, so very soft and fuzzy. It smells good too--like sweet baby.

4. Every single time I come into her room when she wakes up, I am greeted with the best, biggest gummy smile. Every times she sees herself and me in a mirror--the same huge smile. It never gets old. Never!

5. She laughs! Lana never laughed as a baby. The laugh is infectious and I would do anything to hear it. You bet I will make a total fool of myself just to hear the giggle and see the smile again.

6. When she is finished nursing, she pops off, turns her head, is usually asleep and she does this thing with her mouth that is almost like a pucker and it is so cute.

Seriously, is she adorable or what?

The decline of healthy eating

2010-02-18T16:09:00.000-08:00

I used to be a fairly healthy eater. Growing up we almost never ate dessert, there were very few sweets in the house, no pop/soda and I remember drinking my first glass of Kool Aid at a friend's house. We had snacks, just mostly salty stuff, rather than the sweet stuff. There were special treats--ice cream and cake, but it generally was reserved for birthdays and holidays and honestly, I don't ever remember wishing we had more sweet stuff in the house.

One of my college roommates (hi, if you're reading) got me into eating dessert--she is totally into chocolate and really introduced me to the pleasure of enjoying chocolate in all forms. Bad day? A pint of Ben and Jerrys will help. Hard exam? Chocolate mousse cheesecake will right any wrong! We still ate pretty healthy, especially for college students on a limited budget. But we did grocery shop and some simple cooking. When I was in grad school my dad gave me a copy of the Joy of Cooking, which totally changed my life! I didn't want to eat Lipton noodles and canned soup recipes forever, so I splurged on some ingredients and learned how to cook anything that sounded good from the cookbook. I had the smallest kitchen in my apartment. It reminded me of the kitchen in airplanes--it was that small. But I managed to cook a pretty delicious Thanksgiving dinner one year and had many small dinner parties (with fancy drinks of course) with my friends. Cooking was fun! With my new love of cooking came a love for fancy grocery stores with nice ingredients. When I met Bill, he introduced me to the Asian market, which in Chicago meant a stinky, dirty store with really fresh Asian produce and fish, more varieties of tofu, fresh noodles and dried things I couldn't identify. But he also exposed me to lots of Asian food, from sushi to pho to Korean BBQ.

When Bill and I moved to California, we ate SO well. I cooked every night, searching for fun recipes online during down time at work. The availability of produce and seafood in California was great--so fresh and affordable. On weekends, we both cooked and enjoyed trying new wines to go with it all. It was so fun. And yummy. We ate fruit for dessert every night and we always ate stir fried Asian green veggies. We were so healthy! We had so much time on our hands!

Then we had kids. What a difference a few years have made. I still make my best effort to cook nearly every night. I try to cook veggies every night, although we eat a lot more standard veggies like broccoli, spinach and green beans rather than the Asian, fiber-rich, vitamin-packed green leafys. But my recipes are quickies, nothing too exotic, nothing that takes longer than 30 minutes to throw together and most importantly nothing that Lana won't eat. I am bored with what I cook and because I am usually trying to just get it on the table, it doesn't taste as good--I don't have the time to put the "love" into the food. I make a lot of soups b/c Lana will eat them. I make a lot of braised meats b/c they are soft and Lana will eat them. I really can't complain about Lana's eating habits b/c she is not that picky, although there are a few things she will not touch: green beans, potatoes, chicken breast, pork chop or anything remotely spiced/spicy/flavorful.

Not only am I bored with my cooking, but I seriously have some bad eating habits of my own. I eat a lot of frozen crap for lunch. Bill gets the leftovers from the night before and I scavenge from whatever is in the house. Lana eats a lot of it too--mac n cheese, chicken nuggets from the freezer, canned soup. She and I have eaten so many turkey sandwiches (on wheat at least)! I am ashamed at how often I visit a drive thru, usually McDonalds--not good. Drive-thrus are the only viable option when your baby who never sleeps is finally asleep in the carseat and there is no way I am stopping the car and moving the seat even a millimeter. I wish there were more drive thru options--why can't Chipotle be drive thru? (Not that that is any healthier, but it would be yummier). Also, I drink way too much sugar in the form of juice, Vitamin Water and carbonated beverages. I got addicted to Vitamin Water when I was pregnant and I still really like it. Costco has those San Pelligrino sparkling juices that are SO refreshing and SO high in sugar.

Snacks are also a big problem in our house. Lana snacks a lot. So do I. Sometimes out of boredom, I think. Sometimes a few hours after breakfast she will say, "Mom, I need a snack--something unUSUAL" Which means junk. I am like, "You may not have junk at 10am! Your choices are fruit, popcorn, edammame or cheese and crackers." She always picks fruit. Always. This kid easily eats fruit 5 times a day. She eats so much fruit we have to buy it from Costco every week. This week we bought: strawberries, blueberries, navel oranges, grapes, mangoes. That will only last ONE week--Costco sizes people! Its nuts.

I suppose there are worse choices like cookies and candy, but fruit still has sugar. Between the fruit and the juice (which I always dilute 50%) and then the treats like the birthday cupcakes at school (which seem to be like every day) there is still a lot of sugar in her life. It is also getting harder to keep the candy and other goodies away from her. Like at the Valentines Party at school--we were instructed to bring Valentines to exchange with the other students. Every single Valentine (except hers) had candy attached to it. Great. I really needed those 10 pieces of candy to negotiate with her over the next week. I put it away, but she did not let me forget that we had it and that she NEEDED it. She doesn't really dig raw veggies or hummus and I can't entice her with yogurt or string cheese. What are your kids healthy snacks?

So part of me wants to make sure Lana snacks healthy, but sometimes when I look at what I am eating, its like 10 times worse than what she is eating. I have been blessed with the genetics that keep me slim, no matter what I eat, but that doesn't take into account what's going on on the inside. I want to be in better health. I want to exercise so that my scrawny little body has some muscle on it and I don't have these granny legs. I don't want to pick up Lana and go, "Ugh, my back!" I definitely don't want diabetes or heart disease or cancer. I think about this all the time, but then I have no self control when I am hungry and reaching for something I shouldn't. I feel like the girls will learn good habits from me, so I should be better about my choices. I am really going to try. After I finish the brownies my mom made and brought over!

Happy Chinese New Year

2010-02-16T13:17:00.000-08:00

We celebrated Chinese New Year at my inlaws' house for dinner on Sunday. It was a big one this year because Lana is finally able to make homemade dumplings. She did great! She took the wonton wrapper, added some meat mixture, dipped her finger in water to wet the edges of the wrapper and she finished it by folding and pinching the dumpling together. She could have done this all day long and was disappointed when we were done. I was so proud of her, a big kid indeed! She didn't eat any of them (she has a cold and a decreased appetite), but that's okay. She was so cute too, giving her grandparents "hong bao", the red envelopes containing money. I love watching her embrace these traditions and hope that she always feels like its special, rather than different, to have this as part of her family and life.

I'd like to say we had a great long weekend, since Bill had Monday off, but we had some good times and rough patches. Lana came down with a bad cold on Saturday. She didn't seem phased by it, even though her nose was a faucet and she probably sneezed 200 times. One of said sneezes shot mac and cheese into my hair and my soup--yuk! Motherhood is so glamorous. Sunday was probably the best day because Lana and I spent some time together on the outside--we went to lunch and to Michaels for a craft re-load, followed by our Chinese New Year's celebration. Monday was horrendous. Lana and I went to Super Wal-Mart for groceries. I will NEVER go to Wal-Mart on a weekend ever again. It was so crowded and it took longer to check out than it did to shop. We were gone 2h. During this outing I reprimanded or yelled at Lana countless times. I can't remember such a contentious outing in quite some time. She sat in the cart and kicked me, hit me, used her outdoor voice repeatedly. She wasn't having a tantrum, she was just acting out to get my attention, my negative attention. I did not react well or appropriately. It was embarrassing. I was so mad at her b/c every time I told her to stop or to be quiet she thought it was funny. I did not. Lana does this thing when she is either A) bored, B) overtired or C) sick--she talks nonstop. When she runs out of things to say, she makes noise. Things like: meana meana meana meana or blah blah blah blah. It makes me crazy. Add a crying baby to this noise and I want to jump out the window, or at least run really fast. And I don't run. I think its possible I get overstimulated with noise. Its also possible that I was the one in the bad mood, not Lana. Give me a break people, I haven't slept for more than 2h in a row for at least 2 months now. Lacey and I now have Lana's cold, which I am so excited about, so more sleep is not likely any time soon. But I am happy that we had a nice Chinese New Year and that the family is together. There is something so nice about hearing the house full of people and then sitting down to a family dinner. After all of those years living away from family, its nice to be together again.

My princess

2010-02-07T17:07:00.000-08:00

Lana is going through a HUGE princess phase. Okay, I am not really into the whole princess-you need to be rescued by a man thing or the whole thing about being beautiful is the key element in landing your true love and that happily ever after is your dream come true. I really don't think Lana reads into it at all--she is just seizing an opportunity to dress up, put on jewelry and (gasp!) even a little makeup. But as I read the fairy tales, I am practically dry heaving when I read that Sleeping Beauty dances with Prince Philip and instantly falls madly and deeply in love with him. I try to instill in her that it is more important to be kind than it is to be beautiful and its super great to be smart, but humble. She gets a lot of attention for being pretty--strangers stop us all the time to tell us how pretty she is, which is nice and all, but I don't want her thinking its all-important to be attractive and that's it. I like Mulan because she is strong and independent-ish for a Disney Princess. But like I said, she is just playing dress-up, so its cool for now. Here she is in all her glory:

Dear Readers (all 9 of you!)

2010-02-04T13:53:00.000-08:00

Thank you for all the helpful and sympathetic comments on my last post. Whenever I am feeling down and totally alone in my petty struggles, all I have to do is vent on the internet and a whole bunch of wonderful friends give me support, hugs and advice--how lucky am I? So, I am going to respond to each of you, Babycenter style,--LOL, plus a little tidbit on how I "know" each of you. I say "know" because many of my internet friends I have never met in real life.

Desi--Yeah, its no coincidence that our babies are pulling the same crap at the same time, since they are what, a day or two apart in age. I really don't know how you are managing to work during all this nonsense with the sleep deprivation. Man, if I was working, I don't know how I would be keeping my eyes open during seminars, meetings and at my desk. You are a rock star! If you ever find yourself near Seattle--please let me know!

Desi and I have been chatting via facebook pretty regularly. She has been so helpful and sweet. Its great that not only do we have new babies the same age, but the older siblings are the same age as well. I think we first "met" on the BBC May 06 board.

A.--Thanks so much for your comments and for visiting my blog! I don't really think I have a great attitude at the moment, although I am trying! Yes, we have considered the idea of allergies. We know Lacey is allergic to milk, so I am dairy free (man, do I miss pizza!). We have not yet had her allergy tested for other food intolerances, although we have not ruled it out. Milk allergies are so common in babies, as is eczema and the pediatric dermatologist assured me that its too early to get all freaked out about food allergies b/c most babies do outgrow the milk allergy and eczema is also very common. I also wonder about how accurate the blood tests are for food allergies. The other thing I could try is cutting soy from my diet, but if I did that, I should just go to hypoallergenic formula b/c my diet has a lot of soy--we eat so much Asian food. My ped doesn't think I need to cut soy for now b/c her skin got better, until the latest cold virus. But this is uncharted territory for us, so really, what do I know?

I have never met A., but we know someone in common. I found her through my friend Donna's blog. I'm not sure if you know it already A., but I too am a former scientist, although I am permanently on sabbatical--LOL. I met Donna when she was a grad student and I was an undergrad. See, even on the internet its a small world. I think that being a mom and having a scientist-mind is not a good combination--I always try to gather data and with babies, there is too much variation!

Maria--thanks for your support, always! Vacation? Yes, that will be in April for Bill's birthday and we are going to Kauai, Hawaii. Its so easy to get to from the west coast--direct flight to somewhere warm and tropical. It will be our first trip with both girls--I shudder thinking of the gear we will bring, but I know Lana will enjoy the pool and beaches. I hope Lacey won't try to eat sand. It should be fabulous!

I believe I "met" Maria once I began blogging, probably through LauraC's blog.

Beth--I will totally check out your early blog entries. I didn't realize or remember that you had such trouble with William sleeping in the early days. Oddly, I do feel comfort in the whole "misery loves company"--what does that say about me? If one more perfect stranger asks me if my baby sleeps through the night, I will clock them! Do I look like a person who sleeps? Check out the bags under my eyes and observe the lack of patience I have with my older daughter. I think I am starting to adjust to not sleeping very much, although I still get pretty pissed off in the middle of the night, which is really stupid--being pissed off at a baby. I am not really pissed at her, just the situation.

I met Beth the year we lived in DC. We initially met on BBC and then we met in real life when William and Lana were about 6 or 9 months old! We even got together last year when my dad was sick and we visited him in VA--Beth took a day off to drive halfway to meet us for lunch. Great friend!!

Donna--thanks for the suggestions, I will try them and hope for a pattern to form so I can repeat whatever works! One of the issues is that every single day is different. One day she will have crappy short naps and then she sleeps great (relatively) that night. The next day she has crappy short naps and that night is a disaster. I just can't seem to figure this kid out! I think in all of my whining, I totally misrepresented Lacey and her temperament. While she has all of these issues, she is such a happy, smiley, content and non-fussy baby. I know fussy. Lana was fussy--her colic lasted well beyond the 3 months--but Lacey is just happy. She just doesn't sleep or follow a schedule of any kind. I am totally aware and grateful for her temperament b/c if she was fussy on top of this, well I would be way way crazier. She even laughs! I don't remember Lana laughing as a baby--its miraculous that we ever got photos of her smiling b/c she just seemed so very unhappy. Lacey is so sweet and cuddly--I just wish she would sleep more without waking up every stinking hour.

I met Donna a million years ago (doesn't it feel that way?) when I was an undergrad and got a job at the Cancer Center in the lab where she was doing her PhD. She taught me so much about science, which led me to follow in her footsteps. She still has an awesome career and 2 great boys :)

Joanna--I totally agree that the books make you feel like you have to do something about everything. Its kind of like going on the internet with symptoms and you convince yourself you have a really serious disease. I forced myself to close the damn books--my kid doesn't go by the books and that is OKAY. I also agree that in the short term I can ride this out, but over the long haul it is not good for me physically to never sleep.

I have never met Joanna in real life, but I would like to. I have a feeling she would just make me laugh my ass off nonstop.

LauraC--I think about you every single time I do laundry (which is every day) b/c I am amazed at the amount of laundry with 2 kids and I think--imagine baby laundry with twins, especially one (or both) with reflux--holy crap! Lana was just like Nate with the fussiness, colic, swaddling super tight and the sleep training taking 3 weeks (not 3 days like the books say). It was brutal and as sleep deprived as I am right now, I am so grateful for Lacey's sunny disposition--whew!

Everyone knows LauraC is like a blog-celebrity! I "met" you through Beth's blog.

Jessikahsd--thanks for the support :) Yeah, we are super excited about vacation! Not exactly the types of vacations we used to take pre-kids, but still.

I know Jessikahsd from my time in San Diego. She was a tech in the lab where I did my post-doc. It was a nutty, nutty place, but we had a great time making fun of all the weirdos we worked with and for. Now she is about to get her PhD and is achieving great things!

Megan--thanks so much for the comment. It was just what I needed to hear! Not just that you went through it too, but that at some point, poof, it was behind you and you can almost not remember it. Hope! I need hope! Dude, driving on the highway at 2am? That is pretty crazy.

I also met Megan through Beth's blog.

So thanks again to all of you for making me feel better during this rough patch, which I know shall pass. I gotta go to bed now.

Hello again

2010-02-02T16:01:00.000-08:00

Miss me? Our computer got a virus--the devastating, can't turn on anymore kind, so it was in the "shop" getting fixed. Then my husband has been monopolizing it to plan a vacation!!!! No complaints there, he is an awesome vacation planner--all I have to do is pack the bags and show up. Its awesome! So I am finally getting around to catching up with everything internet-related.

Its been a rough few weeks with Lacey's feeding issues, then the thrush, which seriously threatened my ability to continue breastfeeding. My lactation consultant helped me to get back enough supply so that Lacey was satisfied with nursing and I have abandoned pumping and bottle feeding altogether for now b/c I think Lacey was getting used to sucking down bottles fast and then not wanting to work at the breast. I am more comfortable (although not totally pain-free) following a course of anti-fungals.

So the feeding has become easier, but her sleep is horrendous. If there was any thought in my mind to have a third baby, the last month has convinced me that two is plenty. I am struggling at night. Lacey wakes up SO often. A good night is every two hours with a longish stretch of 3-5h at the beginning of the night. A bad night is her waking every hour from midnight till 7am. Its brutal and the bad nights outnumber the good nights. I do not know why she is waking. She sometimes just needs me to pop her paci back in, but more often than not, she takes a few drinks from the boob and drifts off into peaceful slumber (for a whole hour). Is it the itch? She still has some eczema around her eyelids, behind her ears and around her mouth. We had completely cleared it up and then she got a cold. Turns out viral illness can cause an outbreak, which means she will probably always have some patches since we are almost always sick around here. She is still being swaddled arms in b/c of the itching--when we take her arms out she scratches the crap out of her head and eyes, which wakes her up of course. Could it be unresolved reflux? She is on zantac AND prevacid, but she still has some days where she is so fussy during feedings. Does she just want to cuddle? Is it that she wakes up every sleep cycle wondering where the hell her mommy is? I don't know. We let her cry the other night to see what happens--she cried for an hour and fell asleep for...a whole 2h! What reward for enduring the screaming (note sarcasm). My ped said she is just barely of the age where they can actually learn from sleep training and that we should wait a few more weeks to try it in earnest. In the meantime I am so freakin tired from being up all night. Its hard for me to determine whether she has some physical discomfort, is truly hungry or if she is just workin me over. I need this phase to be over soon b/c I am driving myself nuts trying to make it better. I have decided to change my attitude as a means of coping. I used to read read read as much as I could to find out strategies to "fix" this problem--parenting websites, books, sleep books, etc. I obsessed about what a 4 month old should be doing (i.e. sleeping through the night or at least getting close to it, having some regularity in a schedule, feeding every 3-4h). But I have since decided that it doesn't matter what should be happening because Lacey is just not that baby. She has not fallen into a pattern for eating or sleeping, she feeds whenever--sometimes 2h, sometimes more like 4h, her night is all over the place and despite my best efforts to impose a pattern on her, all it does is make me feel like I am doing something wrong b/c she is not having it. So I have closed my books and decided to go with the flow. The important thing is that she is happy and growing. I just really want some sleep tonight. Send me some good vibes. Lack of sleep makes a mommy a crazy lady.

At least we are going on vacation!!! In April.

Catching up

2010-01-16T21:39:00.000-08:00

Things around here were getting better. I say "were" because I have developed thrush in my left boobie and it SUCKS. I cannot bear to have Lacey nurse on that side because the PAIN! Its like a needle is going through the nipple over and over and over again as she drinks. So I am pumping just the left boob, letting her nurse on the right boob and letting Bill bottle feed the pumped milk. My lactation consultant gave me Gentian Violet to use, which is messy to say the least. You paint it on your nipples and you paint the inside of the baby's mouth. It looks like I took a purple magic marker to my nips and then drew on a purple goatee on Lacey after she nurses. It better work, dammit.

So before this whole thing surfaced, things were getting better. We got her eczema treated--it was gone in like 2 days, although we need to keep on going with the treatment until Monday to make sure all the inflammation is gone. Its great to feel her soft skin again! I also saw my lactation consultant and she was AWESOME. She told me that she thinks Lacey pulling on and off is due primarily to her reflux and that the prevacid will take at least a month to kick in full strength, so she probably is uncomfortable during feedings due to the reflux. She gave me some great tips on positioning during nursing. Subsequent feedings were much more comfortable for us both. Not perfect, but do-able. I have her in football position, laying on a 45 degree incline on pillows, in a dark, quiet room. So far, so good and I am thrilled. A week ago, I thought I may have to give up nursing because it just wasn't working. Now I feel like we are getting back on track as far as breastfeeding goes. That is, until we got thrush. But hopefully the treatment will work and we will be back on track for real. Sleep is still unpredicatable. I am routinely up with her every 2h. Sigh.

I finally decided to change the name of my blog to reflect the fact that I now have two kiddos. "Roundface" is what we called Lana when she was a baby and I wanted to see what nickname would stick with Lacey. We call her "mei-mei" the most. Pronounced, "may- may", its little sister in Chinese. We call her mei-mei more that we call her Lacey.

Lacey is such a happy baby. I can't believe that I ever worried about her not smiling because this kid is always smiling! It is so joyful to approach her and consistently get a smile--so rewarding. She also likes to "talk". If I lay her flat on her back and hover over her, she will coo for like a half an hour. She has a lot to say and its so cute! Lacey has recently learned how to grab at her toys hanging on the play mat. She is no where near rolling over because I don't give her enough tummy time. I am so surprised at how content and happy she is, given all these issues. Oh, I just love to snuggle her!

Lana is getting to be so independent. She is in school 4 mornings a week now. Getting out the door by 8am each day is a drag, but we do it. She can do so many things now without my help, its just insane. She picks her clothes (they don't always a match, but I let her express herself), gets dressed, brushes her hair and teeth and even puts on a little lip gloss or chap stick all by herself. She can do crafts by herself which can occupy her for an hour at least. She helps me around the house to earn an allowance. It was my grandmother's idea--and it has been working out great! Friday is pay day and she earns a dollar a week, but she has to pick up her toys, she helps me with washing dishes, cooking, sweeping and any other household chore I help her with. I am impressed with all that she can do and she is super motivated by money, which is a little surprising. She has spent $1 so far (she has earned $6 in total) on a piece of candy.

So that's my catch up post. I have so many things I want to blog about, but so little time to sit down and write. Someday...

Out of sync

2010-01-10T16:00:00.000-08:00

My easy baby has been having some troubles lately. Its been frustrating for us all. When she was first born, I thought we might have a good sleeper! Then about a month ago, she got a cold and all went to hell in a handbasket. She started waking up every 2h all night, every night--sometimes even every hour! Every hour makes me want to jump out the window. We thought it was reflux--she started on zantac, then prevacid and it kind of helped on some days, but overall, her sleep was still messed up--she would often wake up every 2h, sometimes every hour. Then we thought it was my supply--even during the day she would nurse every hour! So I ramped up my suppy with fenugreek and water and nope, it made no difference. I know other babies this age can go 3h between feedings--WTH is going on with mine? Then all of a sudden she started fussing at the breast--pulling on and off, yanking my nipple, crying, kicking. OUCH. Is it a GI thing? Reflux again? What is going on? I took her to the ped and she said she is probably eating out of habit and for soothing since she doesn't take a paci. She also noted that her cradle cap was BAD, and not getting better, so she sent me to the pediatric dermatologist. I am so glad we went. She said Lacey's cradle cap was not typical--she had a staph infection on top of it, plus eczema on the scalp, face, arms and legs. She told me eczema is super itchy, especially at night and can definitely cause night waking. She gave us several ointments which are so gooey to rub her down with--an antibiotic ointment for the infection, plus 2 different hydrocortizone ointments. I felt kind of relieved thinking, "okay, there is a reason for the night waking--she is uncomfortable! Maybe she never even had reflux in the first place!" Maybe she was just eating mini meals at the breast b/c she was trying to soothe herself from the itch, which would lead to all that nursing.

So we started treating her, but she is still fussing at the breast. So I pumped and bottle fed. She is not good with the bottle, but I have no choice, I will not let her destroy my nips. She drinks the bottle with minimal fussing. She will not breastfeed peacefully unless she is super tired or its in the middle of the night. I am sad. So sad. Here I am pumping and bottle feeding again, just like with Lana. I hate it. This is my routine for feeding her the past couple of days: I offer the breast. When she starts hurting me, I take her off, give her a bottle of breastmilk, then I pump for the next time and do the dishes. It is so time-consuming! I am not sure if its just a phase or if she just doesn't have the patience for letdown or if its the itch bugging her or what. I am going to see a lactation consultant b/c I don't know what to do. I know I don't want to quit breastfeeding if I think she will come back. I also know I cannot pump for a year like I did with Lana. I would rather just switch to formula if she will not breastfeed. I don't mind pumping once or twice a day, but not six times a day. I just don't have that kind of time and endurance. I am fine with formula, but I can't help but feel a loss if breastfeeding doesn't work out. It was my dream to do it this time and I felt such elation when it was so easy for us both the first 3 months.

It has been extra tough b/c I have been spending so much time focused on Lacey's sleeping/eating/reflux/eczema issues that I feel like I am neglecting Lana. Or maybe I just miss her a little b/c I feel like I don't see her much now that she is in school 4 days a week.

I know I am sounding all whiny and melodramatic, but I can't help it. We are not in a good pattern and routine right now and I so wish we were. I know we will get there and I am trying to tell myself that we should tackle one thing at a time. First let's get rid of this rash, then we work on the feeding issues and decide what the best path will be so that mommy and baby are happy. Hopefully the sleep will come after that.

Christmas 2009, a little late

2010-01-01T13:19:00.000-08:00

We had a very nice Christmas, actually the whole season was festive, despite my often cranky attitude, I tried to snap out of it and remember how very lucky we are as a family. I also tried to focus on the fact that Lana is at that perfect age to enjoy Christmas and all of the magical things that the season brings. Lana really enjoyed looking at all of our neighbors' lights and we always would try to find "crazy lights" which means the houses that were lit up the most. We even put up some lights after much cursing from Bill. But he did a great job and we realized that putting lights on a house requires a lot more lights and extension cords that putting lights up in an apartment, so I bought some more lights the day after Christmas at 50% off for next year. Hopefully our house won't be the most sparse on the street next year. We will get there. Sometimes I am still amazed that we are homeowners, grownups, even parents! Wasn't it like a minute ago we were young, single people living in the big city? On December 11, Bill and I celebrated, well actually we just remembered that 10 years ago was our first date, a wonderful and special first date. I can't believe its been a decade. That could actually be a whole separate post and now I am totally off-topic about Christmas.

We visited Santa twice this year. Lana was mystified! She did really great and told him what she wanted: "Hello Kitty stickers and a mini play kitchen that I can take anywhere". She wanted to know why the one Santa had glasses and the other one didn't. Contacts, I told her.

Lana loved singing the songs this holiday season. Her go-to favorites were Deck the Halls, Jingle Bells, We Wish You a Merry Christmas and The Twelve Days of Christmas. I have a feeling we will be singing these the whole year through. She loves to sing and I think she can carry a tune pretty well for a 3.5 year old. My favorite part of Christmas Day was when after dinner, Lana skipped around the dinner table singing each of these Christmas tunes (with everyone joining in). We were all laughing, smiling and singing, even my in-laws who don't know the words. They just did the la-la-las to each of the songs. It was a great moment.

Christmas Eve we went to a friend's house who holds an open house party every year. We stopped by, had some snacks and socialized for about an hour before we took off for Chinese Hot Pot at my in-laws'. My mom also joined us and it was fun. We beat it home kind of early so we could get Lana in bed at a decent hour. Lacey's sleep has been all over the place, so I can't exactly stay up till midnight these days. We put out cookies and a carrot for Santa and the reindeer and we wrote a quick note to Santa. Lana was so excited that Christmas was FINALLY here!

In the morning, Lana woke up and said, "Baba, is it really Christmas?" Then there were tears--yes, tears. We hung a stocking in her room in addition to the stocking downstairs on the mantle. (The one in her room is from last year. I bought new matching stockings for the 4 of us this year to hang on the fireplace in our living room). So I told her that she should check the stocking in her room b/c it looked like there may be stuff in there. Before I could take 2 steps, she ran over to it and pulled it down, along with the heavy stocking holder that hit her square in the cheek, causing a lovely abrasion, complete with blood. She quickly recovered when she saw what was in her stocking. We made it down stairs and we quickly opened gifts. Lana had a blast looking for her name on the tags and ripping everything open, of course. I even managed to surprise Bill with a gift this year, which is a feat, since I am the world's worst liar and secret-keeper. After we cleaned up the mess, my mom and in-laws came over for a wonderful, casual meal. It was so nice not to have to travel or even get dressed and get over to someone else's house. Lana could just play with her new toys, show her grandparents all her stuff, while Bill and I prepared the meal. We called other family members back east to wish them a Merry Christmas, but it was so nice to have our immediate family all together. Of course this year was the first year without my dad and boy, did I feel his absence. Not his physical absence, b/c we have never spent the actual holiday together after my parents got divorced and I moved away, but the absence of my dad in our lives remains to feel immense to me.

I tried very hard to remember the things that my dad loved/hated about Christmas and I made sure I told Lana and Bill all about them. Mom helped me to remember and we had a few laughs and tears about our memories. I am so grateful to have mom here with me for the comfort of just having your mommy. I told Lana about how Grandpa Dennis always would make fun of homes with WAY too many lights, but he secretly loved to put lights on our own house, and later his house in VA. He also loved to listen to Christmas music, but he found Rocking Around the Christmas Tree and Jingle Bell Rock to be the most annoying tunes out there! Every year when I was growing up he would take me for a special day of Christmas shopping, just the two of us, list in hand, so that we could shop for my mom. Although my dad hated big crowds and shopping in general, he actually loved to Christmas shop. We would always talk about whether it "felt like Christmas" whether "we had the Christmas spirit this year", which would often depend on how much snow we had (growing up in Buffalo, you EXPECT a white Christmas). We would get mom way too many gifts, we would have lunch at Swiss Chalet (its a Buffalo thing) and then I would wrap them as soon as we got home. We both really enjoyed this day together every year.

My mom told me that when I was a kid I made my wish list for Santa, which always had a ton of things on it. Mom and Dad would then discuss what would be purchased since we were on a very tight budget at the time. Apparently, on Christmas Eve my dad would go out and buy the rest of the items on my list, which infuriated my mom b/c it blew the budget out the window. Another tradition we had was that my dad would get my mom 2 lbs of chocolate from a local candy shop--a pound of "turtles" which were carmel and pecans covered in chocolate and a pound of "sponge candy" which is a honeycomb candy covered in chocolate. These were under the tree every single year and we each got to eat some on Christmas morning.

I miss him, but we have some wonderful memories of Christmases past. I am happy that I made it through the holidays this year without totally falling apart. I felt a little sad at times, but overall, we had a great holiday with the grandparents and the kids. I didn't get a lot of photos b/c we were just too busy enjoying ourselves and each other, which is what Christmas is all about.

Christmas was fun, but...

2009-12-28T20:30:00.000-08:00

I am too tired and distracted to record it all right now. I had planned an awesome post covering this year's festivities along with some memories from my childhood--things that have been swirling around in my brain for quite some time now, but I will postpone b/c I am right now so focused on getting my baby to sleep more and eat on a better, more regular schedule. Is this possible? I don't know.

Lacey is such an easy-going baby. I have always just followed her lead with sleeping and eating patterns. Hungry? Have a boob. Nevermind that you just ate a half hour ago. Sleepy? Go to sleep! I will hold you or you can hang in the swing, or your crib--whatever! It seemed to be working just fine and she was giving me a 4-5h stretch of sleep from about 10-2ish, so I thought everything was just okey dokey. Then she got a cold which messed everything up. She has since recovered but her sleep pattern has not returned. She is STILL waking every 2-2.5h at night to eat and her day sleep is all over the place--sometimes a big nap (2h), sometimes only a catnap of 45min. Last week she did this totally wacky thing where she woke up and had a boobie snack at 3am, 4am, 5am and 6am. I thought I was going bonkers. So my "whatever" attitude about Lacey's sleep has been replaced with "Holy shit, I better do something to get this kid to sleep more before I crash the car because I fell asleep at the wheel".

I know there is a growth spurt at 3 months, which is probably what we are experiencing, but as a first time breastfeeder, I can't help but wonder if I am making enough milk and maybe she is legitamately hungry. I would pump to see how much I have, but she won't take a bottle. She also won't take a paci (I am the paci). She gags a lot with artificial nipples. The other issue is the reflux. Gosh, her reflux is so much worse than Lana's ever was. She just cries in pain, burps and upchucks. Poor little bugger. Sometimes when she cries in the night, all you have to do is pick her up and she will do the burp and puke routine. So I am working on drinking water and taking fenugreek. I also thought to try to supplement with formula, but she doesn't take a bottle (I know I already said that) and she seems to be allergic to dairy, since everytime I would ingest cheese or milk, she got blood in her poop. I have since cut that out and I suppose I could try soy formula, but there is that damn won't-take-a-bottle business. I hope that my milk supply can catch up, but to be honest it may or may not be a food issue. These sleep patterns are often brain development milestones, not hunger patterns, but its so hard to tell, especially with the reflux--sometimes I think she is just waking up from heartburn and a couple of swallows of milk relieves it temporarily. I have been feeling like a first time mom all over again. There is something about sleep issues that are so stressful, especially when you are the one not getting any sleep.

So here is our action plan (and yes, I have the sleep books, which make you feel like a total incompetant idiot): Her last feeding session of the evening will take place in her dark room. I bought a music thingy for the crib which I will play at naps and at night as a sleep cue. She is still swaddled, so we will continue that as long as possible. I will try for a consistent bedtime of 8ish (although I would love to move this to 7ish). If she wakes up at 10pm, I will treat it like an overnight waking--I go in for a quickie feed--no talking, no unwrapping of the swaddle unless I suspect poop. On the overnight wakings, I will let her fuss a bit before running in there in hopes that she will settle down a bit. Hopefully one of these days, she will surprise me and drop one of these wakings. As for naps, which are all over the place, both in time and duration, I will try to stay at home in the afternoons to give her at least an opportunity for a consistent afternoon nap in her room. Mornings are tough b/c I have to take Lana to preschool and pick her up, which means a lot of time in the carseat.

I am totally willing to sleep train at 4 months. With Lana we sleep trained to get her to go to sleep on her own, but with Lacey, its going to be harder, b/c its not going to sleep that is the problem, its staying asleep. Right now, I cannot be sure if she is hungry or not, so I address her waking. I imagine it will be harder to let her scream in the middle of the night, especially b/c I will be worried it will wake up Lana.

After doing the whole toddler thing, I totally forgot the nonsense of the infant sleep craziness. I so wish I blogged back when Lana was a baby, I would totally be looking up my earlier entries. I do know that when Lana was 3 months old, she had a schedule--fixed naptimes and bedtimes and they were set in stone. But then again, I had no other children at the time, so I could devote all my energy to getting her patterns established. The thing is, it worked so well for Lana.

In the time it took me to write this, I have been into Lacey's room 3 times doing the whole burp/puke routine, followed by a little nursing and/or pacifying. Man, I wish she took a paci. Cross your fingers that this gets better for me soon, I am exhausted!

More on Christmas to come!

Holiday spirit restored

2009-12-21T18:23:00.000-08:00

We had a great weekend! I can't say I am rested or anything, but at least it was fun. Saturday my mom came over and we (Lana, Mom and I) made Christmas cookies. We made gingerbread cutouts (from the Pillsbury pre-made dough) and homemade jam thumbprints from a recipe from my BFF's aunt, which are really good. I thought Lana might get tired of the day of baking, but she didn't. My mom and Lana made the cookies mostly, since I have the boobs, I take care of Lacey. But I did assist while Lacey was sleeping. When it came time to decorate the cutouts, Lana took it SO seriously. She was meticulously painting on frosting and sprinkles, just the way she wanted. I can't believe she went all day on ONE activity! She is really good in the kitchen, measuring things and cleaning up even.

Saturday night, my mom watched Lana while Bill, Lacey and I went to a grown-ups party. We went out for sushi first, so that we didn't get too drunk eating cheese and olives all night. It worked out great. Lana spent some fun time with my mom and got lots of attention. I really love watching their relationship develop. Lana didn't even care that we were leaving for the evening! What a change from just a year ago! Lacey was so good at the party--she was passed around like a party favor and just looked around and didn't make a peep. Man, we never would have even tried to take Lana to a party when Lana was a baby--it would have been a screamfest. Its so crazy how different they are. I had to nurse a couple of times, and then she fell asleep in the baby bjorn. It was nice to have a cocktail and socialize with adults for once.

On Sunday, I took Lana to see the Princess and the Frog, just the two of us. It was our first "date" since Lacey was born. We had lunch at Red Robin first and then saw the movie. It was only Lana's second movie ever and the princess topic is so perfect for her right now, since that is all she talks about. We ate popcorn and drank fruit punch--the red kind, which I think made her a little crazy. Is that possible? The whole red dye making kids hyperactive? She was a total crazed nut the rest of the day! I blame the fruit punch, but maybe it was just a fluke. Anyway, I digress. She watched the whole movie, only became restless for a little while in the middle and seemed very into the story. We talked the whole way home about our favorite parts. We had a very special time together. For me, I really missed being so focused on her and I had a feeling of freedom b/c I had no diaper bag, no pooping, no feeding from under my shirt, etc. By the time we got home, my tits almost exploded, but it was totally worth it. When we got home, Lacey fed like every 10 minutes until we went to bed, since she doesn't do that well with the bottle. But overall, it was a good day.

I am glad we had a good weekend b/c I have been in a cranky mood for the past couple of weeks. Its directly related to the lack of sleep I have been getting. Prior to a couple of weeks ago, Lacey was sleeping a 4-5h stretch at the beginning of the night and then another 3h after that, pretty reliably. But then we all got a cold (again) and she was congested, so her sleep got messed up. Well, she is better now, but her sleep is not. She basically wakes up every 2-2.5h for a snack (she only feeds about 10 min from one side) and then passes out cold, so I put her back in her crib and we repeat in 2-2.5h. Bill thinks I should un-swaddle her, turn on the lights, change diapers and wake her up enough to drink more, but I don't think this will help b/c if this were the case, her first stretch of sleep should be the same as before since she is awake and full before we put her down for the night. Anyway, getting up every 2h more or less, totally sucks. At least I don't have to go to work and be intelligent the next day. But still, I am getting more headaches and I am crabby. Hopefully she will just magically revert back to the previous schedule soon. Soon please! At 13 weeks, I was hoping she would be sleeping longer stretches, like 6-7h, but it looks like my kids are just not great big sleepers. Sigh.

We actually did most of the things on my list for the holidays this year--cards, gingerbread house, cookies. Heck, I even had friends over for dinner! So I say mission accomplished. I still have to wrap a boatload of gifts. When? I am not sure. I am not staying up late to do it, since I am already up all night every night. Maybe I will get Bill to do it-HA! That's pretty funny.

Tis the season to be worn out...

2009-12-18T16:37:00.000-08:00

I took everyone's advice and cut back on expectations and activities this holiday season. I shopped online, I had things shipped directly to friends/relatives to avoid multiple trips to the post office, I did my cards in November, and a record number of people are getting giftcards this year. But I am still beat. And I don't even work!! To all you working women, I totally respect you!! How do you do it? I know I am tired b/c I have a newborn with a wacked out sleeping schedule and that toddler of mine is so very demanding of my attention. Add to the fact that all of us have a cold (except Bill). Lacey was doing okay with her sleeping before the cold, but now, its all over the place and I am not getting enough sleep. But who is, really?

Then there are all the regular errands plus the holiday errands that are really no big deal with one kid, but 2 kids in and out of the carseats with winter coats increases the time and annoyance level. Also, Lacey hates her carseat and doesn't sleep well in it, so I am often doing this with a screaming baby (really the only time she screams) or I put her in the baby bjorn, which kills my neck. I have a Ergo carrier, but the infant insert confuses me and I can't get her positioned properly. I need to revisit the instructions in my spare time (haha on the spare time). One thing about newborns that I have totally forgotten about is the pooping. They poop a lot. They wait until you leave the house to blow it out and up the back. Never leave the house without wipes and spare clothes. There are not always good places to change these messes and not every bathroom has a table. Summer clothes are easier to change than winter clothes.

I haven't been posting b/c I haven't had the time, although I have been reading everyone else's blogs and loving the posts about the holidays. I wish I was a bit less grumpy, but I am hoping that this weekend I can get out of my funk. We have a grown-ups party to attend! I will be bringing the baby b/c she doesn't take a bottle well and having both kids will be a lot for my mom to handle. Plus, she and Lana can have some alone time together which they will both enjoy. But Lacey is chill and as long as someone is holding her, she should be okay. I get to wear lipstick! And earrings! And likely I will be wearing some spit up as an accessory as well. But we will have fun. We will also bake some cookies this weekend with my mom, since Lana is so great in the kitchen. I am just looking forward to getting all the running around associated with the holidays done with b/c that is just wearing me out. The holiday itself will be great--low-key, spent with family and good food, so I am keeping that in the forefront of my mind. Plus, Santa is a very magical and mystical creature this year, which is proving to be quite entertaining.

Maybe I just need a nap. A nap would be good. And some chocolate.

I've been waiting patiently for this...

2009-12-04T16:49:00.000-08:00

Lacey is finally smiling and I have been taking millions of photos trying to capture it, which isn't easy considering she is not generous with the smiles. I have included some other decent non-smiling shots of her too, just because.

Blahblahblah

2009-12-04T07:52:00.000-08:00

Where is my brain? Seriously it is mushy. I haven't been blogging because there is something wrong with me. I can't form thoughts, real sentences or anything. Is this lactation brain? I dunno, but I am feeling pretty stupid these days. I have been struggling to even leave coherent comments on other people's blogs! It's like the words are not coming to me and its super frustrating.

Here are some non-coherent thoughts about what's been going on here. Forgive me if I don't make sense:

Thanksgiving: relaxing, family time at our house. I didn't knock myself out, but still managed to make a yummy meal. Me and my mom enjoyed it, but I am not sure about everyone else. My turkey and gravy were killer b/c I used pancetta in both and nothing makes meat taste better than fancy bacon. The best part was that at my 3am feeding on Thanksgiving night, it was the first time in a long time when I didn't feel hungry.

The Saturday after Thanksgiving, we had a lunch for my inlaws friends at a Chinese restaurant. Usually after a baby is born, you have a party when the baby is 30 days old. We had this one on Lacey's 60 day birthday instead. Other than me and my mom, everyone else spoke Chinese, so we just ate and smiled. I think everyone had a nice time. It is a little disconcerting to hear a bunch of people speaking another language, then all of a sudden you hear your name and then laughter.

The Sunday after Thanksgiving was what would have been my dad's 63rd birthday. We went to the cemetery and brought some purple flowers. It was sad. It's really hard to see the grave marker with my dad's name on it. It seems so real. I know it is real, but its hard to look at the actual name and realize that this marker is all I have left of him. My mom said she felt so sad, like he got cheated with his life being cut short like that. I just miss him. A lot. Lana sang happy birthday to him. Its amazing how children can just snap you out of a deep despair with their innocence.

Lana has been amazingly wonderful lately. I just jinxed myself, but I had to say it b/c she has been awesome. Fun, hilarious, well-behaved. She has started helping me with chores. I was complaining to my grandmother about the constant mess in my house--mostly toys laying around and she recommended that we give Lana an incentive like an allowance. I thought to myself that she was too young for that. But, after I stepped on one of those My Little Pony hairbrushes and started cursing, I told Lana if she picks up her toys and helps mommy around the house, she could earn a dollar a week, to be paid on Fridays. She could save her money to buy stuff. She was totally on board! I have to remind her to pick things up and I have to be specific, but I have not heard one "NO!" out of her. She has also taken an interest in doing dishes. I give her non-breakable things and she uses soap and the sponge and does an awesome job! I have to change her shirt after and dry up the floor after, but hey, I hate doing dishes, so I welcome the help. Plus, it keeps her busy while I cook. Today is her first payday and she is excited about it. She said she wants to save her money for college...or candy.

Well, that's about all my brain can handle at the moment.

Lacey is not the only one who is easygoing

2009-11-24T15:34:00.000-08:00

Its funny what a different mom I am this time. When Lana was born, its no secret that it didn't go well, and I did not fall into motherhood naturally. Since she had colic, I read every parenting book I could get my hands on to try to figure out how to fix the incessant crying, especially the sleep books, b/c man oh man I needed some sleep. Like more than a 2h nap, some serious sleep! I documented her every move--how many wet/poopy diapers she had, how many ounces of milk she drank and how often, how many minutes she slept. I had a sheet of paper I took everywhere so that I could refer to the schedule, even though it wasn't a schedule per se. I was a slave to the pump b/c if I missed a pumping session or even delayed it, I was afraid of losing my supply, which was already not abundant. I think I was also reading those books to try to glean some info on how to be a good mother, b/c at the time, I knew nothing about babies and I was pretty insecure. We got her in her crib as soon as we moved into our townhouse and we sleep trained her at 3 months. She was the kind of kid that needed to sleep in her crib for all naps as well as night time, so if I was out, I was running home to get that kid in her crib before she really flipped her lid. One yawn and I was marching her upstairs. To this day she is a very routine-driven child and it works for her (and us).

Lacey is now 8 weeks old. After the first few days where you have to monitor how much weight they gain, I don't think I have looked at the clock since. She feeds when she is hungry or rooting, she sleeps when she conks out in my arms. She has never slept in her crib for more than 30 minutes b/c this baby wants to be held and I am not ashamed to say I enjoy holding her, even if I am spoiling her. She has no schedule. I don't think this is a big deal b/c she is still so little, but it occurred to me yesterday that maybe she should have a consistent bedtime. Or something? I really do want to get her in the crib, but she loves to co-sleep on my body where its warm. Who doesn't like to cuddle? So its funny, the second time around I am just so opposite of where I was the first time around. Lacey and I go with the flow. I hope to get her a little more regimented, but I am not sure when that will happen. I guess I am not in a huge hurry b/c things seem to be working just fine for now.

I do wish Lacey would smile. Even though Lana was a miserable baby, she was smiling by 6 weeks, so its perplexing that Lacey who is so content is not smiling yet. She gives little half-grins, but nothing consistent and certainly nothing I could photograph. Speaking of photos, this poor kid does not get photographed the way Lana did. I suppose that is common with #2. I want to, but I don't have a lot of free time to take a bunch of photos of a wiggly newborn hoping one turns out. Plus her eyes are always closed b/c she likes to sleep, so that's not a cute photo. Maybe I am waiting for her to smile to really go camera crazy.

Lacey is beginning to coo and make "ooh" noises which is so cute and rewarding. Bill and I can not get over how this baby will actually be awake and not screaming. We didn't know babies did that!

I was re-reading some of my recent posts and I came across as very grumpy and depressed. Its actually not how I have been feeling at all. Oh, I have my moments, given the events of the past couple of months, but overall I am happy and thankful for so many blessings in our lives. My girls just make me feel so full. Full of life, full of joy. So this Thanksgiving, I will be grateful and I will stop and remember all of the reasons that my life is so blessed. Plus, I am really looking forward to mashed potatoes. And pie.

Happy Thanksgiving to you all. Enjoy your families!!

Bah Humbug

2009-11-23T08:14:00.000-08:00

I am not looking forward to the holidays this year. I don't mean to be a bummer, but I can't help but feel overwhelmed by the whole process. The weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas go SO fast and are filled with shopping, wrapping and shipping. And don't forget the Christmas cards! Yikes. Like most women (I think), my husband is not involved. I do it all, and I should b/c I am a stay at home mom, right? Except that this year, I have two kids and I am up several times a night at which time I am thinking about what I should buy everyone, instead of trying to fall back to sleep, which is just shooting myself in the foot. I am not sure how I will be navigating the mall with 2 kids, while I actually use brain activity to think about gift giving and finding a good deal and all that crap. My strategy is to take someone with me, which would be my mom b/c well my husband is not involved, but that means we are doing it on the weekends with every other human being. Bill hates the holidays b/c he didn't grow up with them. I am also trying to do some online shopping, but I don't really like to b/c I can't touch the merchandise and I like to.

Normally I am festive. I like the holidays. I like traditions, family get-togethers and Christmas songs. Maybe I am in a bad mood b/c my dad is gone and I feel his absence and how on earth can I be happy this holiday season? Maybe I am just a little overwhelmed by anything extra. Maybe I just need a nap. Maybe its been raining for too many days straight. Maybe I need to get some gifts purchased to feel like I will actually get it done. I will really try to perk up my mood, b/c I want to enjoy the holidays like I usually do. I will try, really.

The Best Years

2009-11-15T17:40:00.000-08:00

A couple of days after my dad passed away my maternal grandparents came to visit from Florida. They are in their mid-eighties and I was so impressed and grateful that they made the long journey from Tampa to Seattle to visit us. We had planned this visit long before my dad declined and we decided that the company would be very comforting to me. I didn't mention this visit previously because as it turned out, in the days following my dad's death, I was too overwhelmed to really deal with anything, let alone having house guests. My grandfather is on oxygen now and it was the first time he traveled with the portable tank. My grandmother is totally overwhelmed with his care and his health issues, and rightly so. It was a stressful visit for them, I was emotionally spent (and 9 months pregnant) and I felt like the world's biggest brat for feeling this way. In addition, my mom's youngest brother was visiting from Arizona and his significant other--so we had a full house! It was a rare and special time for my grandparents to have 2 of their children together, plus a grand daughter and great-grand daughter. Plus, it was their anniversary--61 years together!! We took them out for a nice dinner and had a toast and my grandfather got emotional--it was a special moment indeed.

Anyway, while my grandparents were visiting, we did a lot of talking. My grandfather is becoming aware of his mortality. He is aware that he is nearing the end of his life, his health is not great. He feels like a burden to my grandmother. It sucks actually. But he said something that really sticks in my mind and I have been thinking about lately. We were talking about fathers--how the role has changed over the years. How parenting can be so stressful and busy, especially when the kids are young. He was recalling how when his 3 kids were little, he worked all day, came home and ate dinner in like 5 minutes and then went over to his house that he was building, pretty much by himself, with his own two hands and expertise and he would work there until 10 or 11pm and come home and do it all over again the next day. This was in a time when there was no Home Depot! Imagine that! Anyway, we were talking about how some fathers are present and some are not--some dads just aren't involved emotionally or physically in their children's lives. And he said with a tear in his eye, "When my kids were little, these were the best years of my life." I can't get this out of my mind lately. Lana has been great, so sweet and wonderful. She was sitting on the sofa last night telling me about her imaginary monsters and what they were wearing and saying and doing and I was really focused on the moment (for once) and I looked at my happy, smart kid and her sweetly sleeping baby sister and I thought--these are the best years of my life.

I hope to remember this during all the trying times and tantrums and ridiculous moments of having a 3.5 year old, but its true--these kids are little and it goes so fast--soon they will be teenagers and will be too cool to hang with us.

Dear Lacey

2009-11-12T15:10:00.000-08:00

Dear Lacey,
You are such a lovable baby. You are such a blessing and you arrived in our lives when I needed you the most. You are now about 6 weeks old and you are awake for longer periods now. This is great because your eyes are so beautiful and clear. You seem to be deep in thought, furrowing your eyebrows at times. You love to look past us--toward the ceiling. What do you see there? You have just started to smile, although not at me so much. But that's okay because I get to cuddle you and nurse you. I love to rub my whole hand over your head--your hair is like duck fuzz. The bottoms of your feet are the softest surface on the planet. Your feet! They are long and thin. You have such tiny toes, with a little freckle on the fourth toe of your right foot. So very adorable!

You are starting to enjoy the playmat now. You reach out for the octopus. Lana believes that she taught you how to grab the ring attached to it. She is your best teacher. Remember this, because she wants to teach you everything. She will probably boss you around and you will probably find this to be annoying. But her intentions are pure--she wants to love you. She gives you kisses on your head and is very gentle with you. Remember this, because someday you two will probably be beating the crap out of each other.

You hate your car seat. Probably because nobody is holding you. In fact, its the only time we ever hear you really cry and wail. The swing is okay, but nothing tops you being snuggled. You love to be held and we are spoiling you by holding you constantly, but we love to cuddle you, sweet baby. You make your Baba so happy when you sleep on his chest.

Sometimes you get a little fussy, but not often. You mostly grunt and protest until someone picks you up. You have also started to coo. Best of all, you sleep! You have just started giving me 4.5h at night!! What a glorious gift!

We love you sweet Lacey. We can't wait to see the girl you will become! You bring us so much happiness and fulfillment. We are so happy to have you in our family. Love, Mom

Productive Weekend

2009-11-09T15:59:00.000-08:00

We had a pretty good weekend and it feels good to get out a little more. It at least feels more "normal". Friday night we went to our favorite sushi restaurant. Its our favorite b/c they have the BEST kids meal EVER!! Shrimp tempura udon noodle soup for $7. But it comes with a small bowl of miso soup, they have complementary edammame, and the shrimp tempura is served with tempura veggies and they leave it separate from the udon noodle soup so it doesn't get soggy AND it comes with 3 pieces of cali rolls. And that's just the kids meal. Bill and I ate a boatload of sushi, but they were so busy that by the time our sushi came, Lana was WAY done and antsy and Lacey needed a feeding, so Bill and I shoveled it in in like 5 minutes flat. Now that is a perfect example of eating out with kids. Shovel and enjoy and get the hell out of there before someone starts crying. We have been going out to eat fairly regularly since Lacey came along b/c she is pretty chill and with the carseat awning (which I call the sneeze guard) and the bundle me, she is pretty covered. Plus eating out is really our entertainment and such a treat b/c I don't have to think about what to cook and who is going to eat it or enjoy it and I don't have to clean up. Maybe one day I will enjoy cooking again? I hope so...one day.

Saturday we were up bright and early. Lacey has been doing a bunch of nights in a row where she is up every 2h to eat, but she only has one boob, so she is hungry in 2h, but not starving and oh, I just want to go back to sleep. We went to get photos done at Picture People. I was thinking that Lacey will probably sleep through the whole thing and Lana is only somewhat cooperative on a good day, so this will probably be a disaster all around. To my great surprise it went so well! We got a family portrait and a couple of both girls. Lacey was awake and content the whole time. Lana followed directions and was totally agreeable the whole time. It was by far the least stressful photo experience since Lana was born. I couldn't believe it. For the family portrait they had us sitting in this totally goofy configuration that made Bill bend in ways he is not designed to bend and me leaning too far forward which made me look like I was about to flash a boob and we both looked ridiculous. Luckily I asked the girl if we could do one standing up or we wouldn't have a decent one. After, we went out for lunch and headed home. My mom came over and I caught a much needed nap! I was so totally out of it--I slept for 2 hours and it felt like much longer. Mom and Lana played, we had a lovely meal that a friend brought over on Friday--yay no cooking again--and it was a nice evening.

Sunday was a great day too. Bill and Lana went to see Disney on Ice. It was Lana's first experience like this. The main attraction was Tinkerbell and Bill said she was transfixed. We initially thought my mom would take her, but she insisted that Bill take her. Lana has been very affectionate towards Bill lately and he is loving it. He has been wishing for a daddy's girl for so long! So they went and we were worried she either wouldn't have the patience to sit still or she would be scared of the noise and lights or something else would freak her out. You never know with Lana. A hangnail produces tears and requires a band-aid and magic jelly bean (thanks Laura), but a flu shot is no biggie. Like I said, unpredictable. So they had a blast and Lana came home with a $14 Tinkerbell cup (ouch!) with straw that was apparently once filled with "artificial ice" according to Lana. She was surprised that the princesses were not robots, but "real people Mama!" While Bill and Lana were on their date, mom and I took Lacey and went to the outlet mall to start Christmas shopping. I generally don't start this early, but this year I better get my butt in gear.

So overall it was a productive weekend and last night Lacey finally slept more than 2h at a stretch, so I feel like a million dollars! I went for my 6 week checkup at my OB today, which was surprisingly a pants-off appointment (I didn't remember that from the first time) and I got cleared for all the limitations you have post-partum--none of which I feel much like participating in at the moment. I am still having pain from time to time, but the pain in significant. Yeesh, am I ever going to feel normal again? But all is well and I am thankful for that.

Grief, continued

2009-11-06T13:05:00.000-08:00

I have been having a hard time finding the time to sit down and blog. Or even just sit down. Lacey has had some increased fussiness, during feeding times only. That, coupled with her cold, she has not been feeding well and we went to the pediatrician for the third time in 2 weeks. Baby zantac has worked wonders, even in just a couple of doses and my zen baby is back--whew! She even rewarded me with a 4.5h stretch of sleep AT NIGHT! But guess what? I had insomnia. How's that for irony? She has not repeated the phenomenon. Oh well, at least I know she can do it.

We have also been getting out of the house a little more. We had our first playdate this week and we have had a few visitors this week as well. We have also been doing errands like Target and the grocery store in the early morning hours so that its not too crowded. I still don't have the physical stamina I wish I did. I can overdo it very easily and then have abdominal pain, which is a drag. I am hoping we go out for sushi tonight. I have been indulging in sushi almost weekly since Lacey was born.

Also since Lacey was born, I have not had a very difficult time with the grief I was experiencing prior, due to my dad's death. But its funny how grief works, sometimes you are just going along in your life and something will happen, you see something seemingly benign and the band-aid is ripped off all over again. This happened twice this week or was it last week? The days are all running together now. I turned on Oprah, which I never watch and Lisa Niemi, Patrick Swayze's wife was on the show, talking very candidly about her husband, their marriage and the last few days of his life. The last few days of Patrick Swayze's life sounded a lot like the last few days of my dad's life. She described it in great detail, things the hospice nurses said, his level of coherence, etc. It was enough to just stop me dead in my tracks and remember those last few days, seeing him via Skype, talking to him, but him unable to speak back. The pain of his death just resurfaced and it wasn't pleasant.

Then today, Lana asked me to see photos from our wedding, which she does quite often and when I got to the bookshelf, I noticed a scrapbook I made from college. I asked her if she wanted to see mommy in college and she agreed. I was looking at photos of my friends and those silly times that seem SO very long ago and wedged in one of the pages was a letter from my dad, dated February 21, 1995. A real letter people, not an email, remember those? Wow, it was weird to read. Especially weird b/c this pre-dated my parents' divorce, my dad's relocation to VA. It was as close of a snapshot of my family that I remember from my childhood, but that I rarely even think about now. He talked about all of these things going on at home--silly things like we had moles in the garden, the cat was being a pain in the ass, he was traveling for work too much. He was so sweet, giving me encouragement to study hard, but to remember to have fun. To be good, but not to stress so much. He said that I bring him and my mom unending joy and pride. He apologized for not writing often enough.

Finding this letter was a gift, almost a conversation I wish I could have with him now. I wish I could have any conversation with him right now. Sometimes, after it rains and the sky is blue with those big fluffy white cotton clouds, I look to the sky and talk to him and wonder what he is doing up there. But its not the same.

Critics corner

2009-11-03T17:56:00.000-08:00

I realized that my recent posts have been rather complainy, so I thought I should mix things up a bit. I decided to do this despite the urge to pontificate on 3.5 year old tantrums and the one I just experienced 5 minutes ago which leaves me totally dumbfounded and worn out, but I think I'll pass this time on being complainy and pessimistic and grumpy. Just this once.

We have spent SO much time at home the last 5 weeks. So much of this time has been spent in front of the TV. Watching Nick Jr., formerly Noggin b/c according to her, PBS is so for little kids. We have seen every episode of every cartoon, multiple times. I thought I would do a little "critics corner" of the children's programming.

Wow Wow Wubbzy--our favorite by far. Lana totally loves Wubbzy--thinks he is cool. She loves Widget, Walden and Daisy and all of their attributes. Lana will even quote it in her real life. "That wasn't supposed to happen" or "grapetty grape juice" or "kickity kick ball" are lines I hear often. She is glued to it as I type. I think it teaches some good lessons overall.

Olivia--I love the theme music, so catchy and peppy. Olivia reminds me so much of Lana. Precocious, creative, bossy. Plus, I love the way the pigs walk--so refined!

Yo Gabba Gabba--I'll admit, when I first saw this show, I thought you know the people who make this show are on drugs. This is like the Telletubbies for older kids. But then it started to grow on me. I like the music and the lessons put into songs--like "too much candy's gonna make you sick" or "don't bite your friends" or "there's a party in my tummy, so yummy, so yummy". DJ Lance is pretty weird and the characters are bizarre, but I am definitely starting to love Yo Gabba Gabba.

Wonder Pets--Ugh, I hate this show--its so annoying. I don't care about the team work crap, the whole talking like its an opera and the speech issue on Ming Ming just irritates me.

Dora--I like Dora fine, but is it me or is everyone yelling their lines in this show?

The Upside Down Show--I like this show for the creativity and imagination. I just wish it wasn't on at bedtime--its too manic for bedtime. Those dudes are seriously nuts. Seriously.

Ni Hao Kai Lan--we love this for obvious reasons. Lana knows a bit of Chinese and its reinforced in this program. She can relate to Kai Lan. I love it that someone is always having a tantrum or a bad attitude and yet the rest of them are trying to problem solve.

I am so glad Halloween is finally over so that we can get some new episodes to watch. I know I am rotting Lana's brain by watching so much TV, but with the new baby and our self-imposed house arrest and then the illness, we have been parked in front of the TV for a month. I wish it was summer still! I miss summer.

The Halloween That Wasn't

2009-11-01T08:28:00.000-08:00

I am looking forward to seeing all of your kids in their Halloween costumes, b/c well, we didn't do Halloween yesterday. Poor Lana was too sick and frankly she didn't give a hoot about Halloween or Trick or Treating. All day she was deliberating about which costume to wear. In August I scored an adorable flower costume from a consignment store that was warm and fuzzy. She also recently got her first princess dress-up dress--Snow White that I was going to let her wear for her school Halloween party since it was inside and she wouldn't freeze. But she missed her party b/c I couldn't send her to school with boogers dripping down her face, so I told her she could be either Snow White or the flower for real Halloween. Its so funny when I think about giving her choices. My mom and grandmother always comment about how we give her too many choices in general. Like its some newfangled parenting technique. Back in the day, you buy or actually make the Halloween costume and that's it--you are wearing it! No choice! But like many 3.5 year olds, Lana has been super indecisive about what her costume would be and yes, I have given her too many choices. But that's what we do these days--we give choices and time outs, we dilute the juice and we don't spank.

Anyway, last night at 5:30pm after a monster crying spell about um..nothing, Lana went up to her bed and slept. Wow--that's novel. She has never done that before. She must really feel like crap. We woke her for dinner which led to more crying and we decided no trick or treating. She didn't care as long as she could have a few pieces of candy for her pumpkin from our stash. She seemed happy to have some sweet tarts after dinner and help me at the door. I asked her if she wanted to put on her costume so that the kids who come to our house would see her costume too--nope, no deal. So we put Lacey in her pumpkin onesie and took a few photos and that was Halloween this year.

It was so worth it though. It was pouring rain, which would have been miserable to walk around in. Especially since she was sick already, staying home was the right decision. I couldn't help but feel bad that she didn't get to do Halloween, but really I need to just drop my expectations. She is 3--she will never remember that she didn't do it. Plus I am sure there will be plenty more holidays and parties missed due to illness. So I am over it. Luckily I have another girl to save that awesome flower costume for.

Here are some photos of pre-Halloween festivities: cookies and pumpkin carving, followed by a couple of photos of Lacey my pumpkin and her startle response.

Sickness

2009-10-31T09:20:00.000-07:00

This week has felt like at least two. Everyone in the house is sick (except me, knock on every wood surface available). Lana was first and she is still battling it. She is still super congested and has decided she does not like to wipe her nose with tissues--she prefers her blanket, which is like biohazard material now. She also has a cough--the barking seal kind. She has never had a cough like this before--she generally clears colds quickly, but this one is hanging on. Bill and my mom got it next. Then Lacey. My poor, tiny, helpless newborn is full of gunk, choking and gagging on it. Puking it up sometimes (fun times). She has no runny nose, so using the booger sucker is pointless. The good news is she is nursing okay, a little less, but she is staying hydrated. Her fever has been no higher than 99, so far, so we don't need to run to the ER (yet). I took both girls to the pediatrician twice this week to make sure their ears, throats and lungs were clear. All good, we just have to wait this one out.

But I am tired. At least I am not sick (knocking again on wood). My house is a mess. I am doing laundry every day. My hands are raw from handwashing and Purell. I feel sad for Lacey b/c she is so tiny and obviously uncomfortable. But the difference this time, compared to when Lana was a baby, is that I know that this too shall pass.

The Honeymoon is Over

2009-10-24T17:23:00.000-07:00

What a week! The tides have turned. We were doing great, I was in that super happy--everything is going super--mood and then last weekend it all started with Lana having a case of the 3.5 year old crazies. She was just so sour--she woke up pissed off and Bill and I were just counting down until bedtime. There was little improvement all week. It didn't help that it rained and was gloomy all week. We blew through probably $50 in crafts by about Wednesday. Listening? Obedience? Out the window! Me yelling? You betcha! Me losing my shit? At times, a little overboard I admit. It all peaked on Thursday after she came back from a school field trip that I didn't attend. She lost it, I lost it and when Bill came home I begged him to take her out to give me a time out. I ate 8 pieces of chocolate and I would have had some wine if I wasn't still taking narcotics (dammit).

It was tough, but I expected tough days. And so it was. But what I didn't know is that Friday would be an extra tough day.

Friday morning Lana woke up sweet. Ahhhh, thank goodness! To celebrate, I took Lana (and Lacey) to the pet store to look at the fish, birds, cats, etc. We are not a pet household, so this is all pretty novel for her. We walked around for a while and decided to get lunch at a taco place down the street. We piled in the car, drove down the street and I was thinking that this would be my first restaurant experience with both girls on my own and I would probably need to nurse at some point during our lunch. No biggie, I can do this. I can do TWO kids. When we got there, we got out of the car, I put Lacey's infant seat in the snap n go and I pushed while Lana walked next to me. I usually hold Lana's hand when we walk in parking lots, but this time I didn't. She was being obedient and it wasn't crowded. Then Lana tripped on the curb. She landed on her face. There was blood, a lot of blood. She was hysterical and inside, so was I. But I tried to remain as calm as I could, which was not very calm. I immediately let go of the stroller, which started to roll a little. There was a man who grabbed it. (WHY THE EFF DID I DO THAT?) I grabbed Lana and held her. She wouldn't let me look in her mouth to see how bad it was. I instructed the man to get me some ice and napkins from the restaurant. I briefly checked Lana for the presence of her teeth and I put the ice on her bleeding mouth. This whole time, Lacey is sleeping and I have to grab everything and get us to Bill's office. We are about 20 min away. I don't recall driving there, I just drove so fast. I am not good with medical emergencies--I looked back a few times at Lana and her lips were swollen twice the size. The blood! Her nose was scraped up too.

We got to Bill's office and he took her to the exam room and was so calm. Zen-like even. I guess that's why he is a real doctor and I am a fake one--LOL. I just don't have the personality for it. Plus, when its your kid with a bleeding owie, its a whole different ballgame. Probably those of you with boys have been through bleeding injuries before, but this was our first one (likely not our last), so it was new territory for me. Lana is also the kid who cries like crazy when she gets a hangnail. You can imagine the crying associated with this one! Bill cleaned her up, determined there was no major injury, put some lidocaine on her lip and gave her a piece of gauze to hold to her mouth until the bleeding stopped. When we got home, we could not get her to drink any water or anything, so forget about food. She held the gauze to her mouth for hours. We could not convince her to take it off. Its the quietest she has ever been. No talking for hours? Wow. As I am cuddling her on the sofa, I notice she feels warm, so I take her temp and its 99. Goodie, a fever too? Maybe its just the crying or related to the injury. It continues all evening and gets no higher than 100. This totally kills my plan for us getting the H1N1 vax on Saturday. And it makes me stressed about Lacey getting a fever virus.

As I got into bed last night after such a nutty day and hard week overall, I think about how I had so many regrets about how I handled the injury and myself as a mom. Why didn't I hold her hand? Why did I let go of Lacey's stroller? Why can't I be more collected in these moments? She is so perceptive, I know I made it worse when I picked her off the sidewalk and saw the blood--the look on my face was NOT reassuring. I know I am being a little hard on myself, but I can't help it. I wish I did things differently. It also made me think about how I pray that nothing seriously bad ever happens to my girls. This was a minor injury, but the thought of something worse? I can't even go there.

Saturday AM, Lana is fever-free, so we go get our H1N1 vax--whew! At least that is over and is one less thing I need to worry about. But when we get home, Lana starts sneezing and is super boogery. Great! A cold!!! I took her temp again and its 99. Even better, I just got her a vax during an illness--another banner parenting move by me. She continued to have the drippy nose and fever on and off all day. Poor thing was so pathetic between the illness and the injury. We gave her ice pops, jello and a lot of noodle soup and tofu. Of course, now I am super stressed about Lacey getting the cold and more importantly the fever. Over 100 and we are going to the ER for a spinal tap. Poor Lana kept trying to hug and kiss Lacey and of course I told her not to, which led to her crying about how I think that Lana doesn't love Lacey anymore. I tried to explain to her why she can't be near Lacey, but she doesn't understand how illness is transmitted. I spend so much time trying to get Lana to dig her sister and now I am telling her to stay away from her.

Lacey is a little fussy and her nose is a little drippy, but she doesn't have a fever--yet. Lana is still feverish on and off, which could be the cold or the vax. Lana's nose is a faucet and she is sneezing everywhere. i am trying to contain the germs, but it seems a little pointless.

I am so annoyed b/c we have literally been at home for a month. I have made one trip to Walmart, one to Trader Joes and that's about it. Lana has only been to my inlaws and school. We did everything we could to be isolated and stay at home and we STILL got sick. Grr. Ah, well I just hope if Lacey gets the cold she doesn't get a fever, but at this point I wouldn't be surprised if my next post is about our first trip to the ER.

Stir crazy Part 2 and Post partum report

2009-10-17T09:09:00.000-07:00

When I posted about going nuts being stuck in the house, I must have been really tired or out of it (damn narcotics--still taking them--ugh!) b/c I forgot half of what I intended to say. Thanks to Desi for her idea about baking cookies, yesterday Lana and I made Halloween cut out cookies, complete with frosting and sprinkles and a holy hell of a mess. I figured if I must craft, an edible craft is a plus for sure. Aside from a few incidents of not listening, or complete lack of recognition that I am speaking--i.e. pretending to have a hearing deficit, we had a fun time. I only had to raise my voice once or twice, which takes the fun out of things, but whatever, I think Lana is going as batty as I am. We made some delicious and beautiful (ugly) pumpkins, bats and ghosts. The cleanup took longer than the project itself and Lana was high on sugar when we were done. But it killed the morning, so mission accomplished.

Last weekend we went to Trader Joes (all 4 of us) and this nutjob approaches me and scolds me for bringing my baby to the store and that I should not take her out of the house until she is 3 months old! Okay lady, would you like to do my shopping for me? Who does this? I basically told her that it was none of her business, but I said it nicely and she smiled back. I told you--nutjob. I did learn however that TJs on the weekend is overly crowded and that the weekdays are better for us all to be out. What the crazy lady didn't realize is that she was talking to a germaphobe and I have already been obsessing plenty about germ exposure and my clean, unimmunized newborn in the middle of not just your average flu season, but H1N1 hysteria flu season. But I cannot possibly stay literally inside my home for 3 months--I will lose my noodle. I could probably isolate myself if it was just a newborn, but with the toddler, no way, not possible--we will drive each other totally nuts. So I spoke to my pediatrician about it. She is great--reasonable, rational and she has a way of calming me down when I am a wee bit tightly wound. She recommended we abstain from toddler playdates until Lacey is one month old and after that, to remind friends that if anyone in their house has even a runny nose, we should postpone. Luckily my friends are very understanding of my phobia and concerns, so that shouldn't be a problem. Of course, Lana is in preschool, so it is inevitable that she will get sick and bring it home and we will pass it around. My ped put it this way: there are things you can control and you should and then there is the stuff you can't control, so live your life. She also said we should all be immunized for seasonal AND H1N1 shots, since Lacey can't receive either vaccine, this should prevent us from bringing it home and infecting her (theoretically at least). Winter sickness is inevitable. Lacey will get sick. Heck, we will all get sick. But a fever in a newborn means a trip to the ER and the ER is a germaphobe's hell on earth.

Here I am almost 3 weeks post partum and I am doing great! Except for the whole pain in the belly part. The other day I was thinking that I had great pain control and I would start decreasing my meds. But after I re-injured myself carrying Lacey in her car seat, I am back to where I started. I can handle taking the car seat and snapping it into the snap n go, but I can't haul that bucket around. Lesson learned. So physically, its still slow going and I feel like wimp. At least my incision looks good and healthy, although I am scared to rip off those tapes.

But mentally, I am fantastic! After Lana was born, I was a mess. Nothing was going right. I remember going to my 2 week post-op appointment and I was crying to my OB. I cried a lot, every day. It was harder than I expected. I wasn't good at it. I didn't understand my baby. Newborns are a puzzle I couldn't solve and I didn't understand why people had babies. I felt like my life as I knew it was over, I would never sleep again, I would never eat a meal without shoveling it in. Who cared about eating anyway, I just wanted to sleep. Plus my boobies were so sore that I couldn't even wear a shirt--the chafing! My neighbors (we lived in an apartment) got a free show, but I didn't care. Miserable didn't cover how I felt. This experience haunted me the entire time I was pregnant with Lacey. I did NOT want to do newborn again. I was wishing we could just fast forward to 6 months old. I braced myself.

I braced myself for nothing. This time, I feel happy, elated even. I thought maybe I was just in the honeymoon period or something, so I keep waiting for my normal anxious self to show up. But she is not here. I am just happy. So far, it hasn't been so hard (Sorry, Desi, I feel like I am stealing your post). I love snuggling Lacey, I love feeding her, I love looking at her. I love love love watching Lana interact with Lacey. I feel so relieved that Lana seems to like her (so far). I am relieved that I can handle both girls by myself (so far) and we haven't had any major meltdowns (myself included). Even in the morning, getting Lana ready and all of us out the door by 8am has worked out okay. A little harried, but we made it on time. I actually feel like I can do this. I have TWO kids! Wow! I never thought I would have any kids, let alone two. I look at my girls when they are not watching me and I am so taken by the miracle that they are. The miracle that we created these beautiful children, two new lives. Its amazing that two little cells become a whole being and that this lump of baby turns into a walking, talking, creative, intelligent little person. I know its cliche, but this miracle of life business is no joke. An unbelievable miracle indeed! I know its still early and it could still show up, but my fears of the return of PPD or PP anxiety or whatever are unfounded so far. Because of this, I am able to really enjoy this newborn phase in a way I did not think was possible for me. This is truly one hell of a do-over! Yay to that! I predict that the first winter sickness in our house will be my buzzkill, but we will get through it b/c now I know something I didn't know 3.5 years ago--everything is a phase and we will be okay.

Stir crazy

2009-10-14T20:35:00.000-07:00

I am starting to lose it. I have been in the house for going on 3 weeks. As a stay at home mom, you may think we are always at home, so what's the big deal? The big deal is that we are rarely at home all day every day. We have playdates, errands, outings. We go to parks, the library, even the pet store (i.e. the zoo). We socialize with friends, we eat out at lunch time--ladies lunch, as we call it.

This damn surgery recovery is taking forever. I am still on pain meds b/c unless I sit on the sofa all day, my belly hurts and I start walking all hunched over. I am getting better, but impatient b/c I want to get back to my life. I am allowed to drive now, but lifting the infant car seat is a little rough on me with the lifting and the more I rest, the quicker I heal, so I don't want to over-do it. The weather last week was beautiful, but I was too sore to take walks. Of course this week I am ready to be outside and its raining cats and dogs. Seems it will rain the rest of the week. Grr.

Okay, so I am impatient, but entertaining Lana indoors all day every day is starting to get old. We have been doing crafts. Lots of crafts. I am not crafty at all. I am officially all crafted out. Lana has been taking an interest in how words are spelled. She will ask "How do you spell grocery store?" So I have been trying to incorporate spelling into craft time with foam letter stickers to at least make it educational. I like how she likes crafts--its good for her creativity and at least we are not watching TV all day long. But I am getting bored with it and its messy. There are bits of paper, sequins, glue remnants, glitter, paper backing from stickers, etc. everywhere! Plus she hates to clean up, like most 3 year olds, so we fight about it. When she gets bored, she asks for snacks, so we have been snacking way too much too. When someone stops by the house, I can truly see how bored Lana is--she talks and talks and wants the visitor to play and she will not let you get a word in edge-wise. Snacks, TV, crafts, playdoh. This has been all we have been up to for the past 3 weeks, so you can see why I have not posted any thought-provoking or mildly interesting blog posts. I know that there will be a time in the not so distant future where I will be missing our craft days b/c she will be too busy or cool to hang with her mom all day.

Lacey is good. She eats, sleeps and poops. She snorts and grunts and only cries when she is REALLY pissed off, which is not that much. She definitely doesn't like her car seat. She loves to be held. Lana is so sweet with her, even when she is not sweet with the rest of us. Lacey is a sweet baby and she smells so good.

So that's it. Tomorrow, more crafts. Is it the weekend yet?

My first day with both girls

2009-10-08T14:57:00.000-07:00

Yesterday my inlaws came over and wanted to take Lana to the library and other various activities that she was excited about on Tuesday. But she took one look at them and burst into tears--she did NOT want to go. She wanted to stay at home with mommy. She pitched a big enough fit that my inlaws gave in, went home and I was unexpectedly flying solo (as Laura would say). I felt like I could do it as long as I had good pain control and could keep up with Miss Whirlwind Lana. Did I mention she was in a very contrary mood?

Overall it went well. We mainly did crafts at the dining table and we watched tv and ate way more snacks then I generally give, but we made it unscathed! Lana never complained that I was spending too much time with the baby. She was super defiant about picking up her toys or activity before moving on to the next one and I had to pull out the threats, overall she was happy, she smiled, we laughed. We even made ghosts with tissue and tootsie pops, which is saying something b/c I am not crafty at all. She made 4 of them, one for each of us in the family.

Lana has been very sweet toward Lacey. I put Lacey in the baby pappasan and asked Lana to keep an eye on her while I use the bathroom. I was a little nervous about leaving her alone with the baby for even a few minutes, but she is not very aggressive. I told her to never pick her up, just to look at her and talk to her. When I came back, this is what I saw:

She was sitting very close to her, literally watching her and she told me that Lacey wanted to play with some toys.

Around 3pm, I started to get tired and my pain was coming back from over doing it a little. Luckily my dear friend brought over some Indian take out, so I didn't even have to think about dinner and neither did Bill, which was good b/c as soon as he came home, he was called back to the hospital.

Last night was kind of interesting in a bodily function kind of way. Lacey was sleeping at 9:30pm and I wanted to go to sleep, but she was almost due for a feeding, so we woke her up for a diaper change and a snack in hopes I could get a solid 3-3.5h (i know i am so lucky). Bill did the honors and as soon as the diaper came off, Lacey pooped all over his hand and the changing pad. Just as he is calling SOS, she pees on him as well. So we change her and I feed her and she sleeps well for 3.5h (!). When I feed her in the middle of the night, she is starving. She eats. She poops. I change her and re-swaddle. I feed. She promptly poops again. I change, I feed a little more and re-swaddle. She poops again! I change her, re-swaddle, give her a little comfort boob, lay her down and she pukes copiously. I grab blankets as fast as possible, but her tummy is empty and the mattress is wet. The miracle blanket is soaked. Now I need to find regular blankets that are large enough to swaddle and I can't find any. Grrr. She is fast asleep. When I managed to get the bed cleaned up and her re-swaddled, she is hungry again! We finally got back to sleep but it was like a 2h feeding. I can't complain though b/c she sleeps for such long stretches for a newborn. I am definitely not like the walking dead the way I was the first time around.

Here are some more pics b/c my faraway family and friends need to see her.

The lighting is not right here, but at least her eyes are open.Ignore the clutter please. Oy, my whole house is a mess right now. If you stop by, close your eyes.
Sisterly love...
Proud Papa...

Me and my little bug...

Now this is what I expected

2009-10-06T14:07:00.000-07:00

So things are still good. Baby sleeps like she is addicted to sleep--she may have received this gene from her father, since his hobby is napping. She is only awake to eat and look around for 5 minutes and then she is out again. My friend told me her second baby was like this and she was so concerned she asked her pediatrician if something was wrong. Of course, nothing was wrong, she just got lucky. I have to say, the thought, "Is something wrong with her?" has crossed my mind more than once. But she is eating like a champ and pooping, so I guess everything is A-OK.

Lana on the other hand is having a tough time. Not with jealousy. Not anything directed toward Lacey at all. But she is completely panicked and fearful of me leaving. She is in general having a hard time with the changes that are a result of my recovering from surgery. For example, I am not putting her to bed at night b/c I cannot lie in her bed to read--she rolls and jumps and its just not safe with my tender incision in her path. So Bill has been doing it. When she says goodnight to me downstairs, she bursts into tears begging me to put her to bed. She thinks when she wakes up I won't be there--I will either be in the hospital or on an airplane (?). No matter how much I reassure her, she just cries and cries. When my inlaws come over, she gets really anxious. They have been here a lot, helping me out with meals and trying to entertain Lana, but she wants me and me only. Luckily since Lacey is so easy going, I can actually spend a lot of time with Lana, as long as I am in a comfy chair. Even so, she does not want to be more than 10 feet away from me. It all culminated last night in a monster tantrum/cry that involved rolling on the floor, her begging me for one more hug and kiss (it killed me not to give in and walk up the stairs to do it) and Bill raising his voice, which is something he never does with her.

Yesterday was a real challenge with Lana. I felt like everything out of my mouth was me either yelling at her or at least using a stern directive voice or threat. Everything out of her mouth was "NO!" And Bill, the fun parent, the one who never yells, raised his voice to her more than once. Its a fine line because as much as I want to nurture her a little extra so she doesn't feel displaced, if you give her an inch, she takes a mile and will manipulate the hell out of you. I also don't want her to feel like as soon as her sister arrived, everyone is yelling at her. Then there is the issue with my inlaws. They want to take Lana to their house, so that I can rest but also b/c Lana is happier to hang with them when I am not there. But when they come over, she runs to me and cries that she wants them to go away. So I thinks she feels like she is being sent away. We tried yesterday to have my inlaws here with us at our house, but it was kind of a disaster. Lana wanted to play with me (which I did--we did crafts and playdoh at the dining table) and wanted nothing to do with my inlaws (which made me feel bad for them). Plus, my inlaws didn't have Chinese TV or books, so they were bored out of their minds. I thought it was great to have them here to fetch things for me in other rooms or upstairs, so I didn't have to walk all over the house and get sore.

I am probably making more of this than needs to be, since things will be more stabilized once I am healed and not hobbling around. Hopefully in another few days I will be able to hang with both girls by myself and she can feel like we are almost normal and that no one is coming to take her away and that I am still here, not in the hospital or on a trip. I feel bad for Lana, although she frustrated me to the max yesterday. I just love her so much I don't want her to feel like she lost me somewhere.

I know from all of my blogfriends posts about bringing home a new sibling that this too shall pass and that the adjustment period is hard, but the whole family adjusts and a new "normal" is established.

Totally doing the happy dance over here!

2009-10-01T13:48:00.000-07:00

Lacey Ru-Ling was born Monday September 28th, 7:58am, weighing in at 6 lbs, 4 oz, 19.5 inches long.

Underneath that cap is a head full of black hair. When she first came out, I thought--wow she looks nothing like Lana, but now I think she totally looks like Lana.

Anyway, looks aside, Lacey is different from Lana--yes, I can tell already. First off, she is breastfeeding!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know that is a lot of exclamation points, but I am that excited! In recovery, she just latched right on and suckled for 15 minutes--woo hoo! She has been a nursing champ ever since. Great latch, very little pain and soreness on my end (at least in the boob region) and overall, just so great at it. This is the best gift ever. I struggled so much nursing Lana and ultimately after 2 weeks of frustration and failure, I switched over to pumping and bottle feeding. This was fine, but a lot of dishwashing and extra time hooked up to that damn pump. Middle of the night pumping is no fun, let me tell ya. This time around, I just pick her up, nurse, re-swaddle and we are done. I can't believe how easy it is. My milk came in full force yesterday (OMG, I have huge boobs) and she is going to town eating and then sleeping in between. Sleeping well and for long stretches. I often have to wake her for the next feeding. I am so not bragging or rubbing it in to those who have not had this experience with their newborn, b/c I have been on the other side of things. Lana was never a happy camper--she was up screaming her head off every 2 h around the clock, sometimes out of hunger, sometimes we didn't know why. I know its early still and Lacey may change tomorrow, but so far, I am on cloud 9. My ped said colic starts at 3 weeks--so we are enjoying the potential calm before the storm. If colic shows up this time though, I am prepared like a girl scout. Right now, I am so joyful and excited and thankful. So very thankful.

Healing from my surgery is slow going. I am a wimp. I have very low pain tolerance. I made the mistake of leaping out of bed the first night I was home. I think I forgot I just had belly surgery. I strained one of the muscles on my right side, so now everytime I twist a little in the waist, I get a shooting pain, in addition to the stabbing pains in my incision area. I am not exactly rebounding quickly. I love my pain meds, although they make me feel a little wacky. Right now, its a balance between pain control and not feeling too stoned. I know in 2 weeks I will be moving around much better, but its driving me nuts to sit still and not be able to bend over and pick things up, or walk upstairs to grab a change of clothes or my lanolin cream.

Lana, sweet Lana is doing so well. She is very focused on being big. We point out all the things she can do that the baby can't. I gave her a gift from Lacey--her first princess dress up costume--Snow White. She put it right on over her clothes! She touches her sister very gently and brings me her own very special blankie to cover up Lacey when she is sleeping. We have had no acts of aggression or crazy 3 year old behavior so far. She had some tears when I was in the hospital b/c she wanted me to come home and she cries at night when I can't put her to sleep, but other than that, she is rolling with the punches and making me proud.
The biggest difference I notice this time around is that I can enjoy the baby. I am not so stressed out. I can look at her, cuddle her, talk to her and its not always about business. With Lana, I was a mess. I never held a baby, let alone cared for one or fed one or figured out how to have a baby around and still find the time to brush my teeth or eat. This time, it feels so much more natural, easy and even relaxing at times. Of course it helps that she is feeding well and doesn't have jaundice and isn't as intense of a crier, but I think there is a real change in me. I was so terrified and now I feel contentment. Plus I am high from these drugs.

I think the baby has my dad's feet. Long and skinny, with long toes. My dad wore a size 12 shoe. All the rest of us have short stubby feet. Many people told me that the baby would help me feel joy again. Its true, so very true. I know my dad is looking down from heaven with that twinkle in his eye, saying to Lacey, "Hi baby girl". He always said that.

Now I am nervous

2009-09-27T16:36:00.000-07:00

In 12 hours I will be going to the hospital to deliver via C-section. Having this much advance notice is oddly reassuring and freakin scary all at the same time. Reassuring b/c I can arrange for child care, make lists and plan, Bill can get vacation time in advance, etc. But scary b/c I remember how crappy I felt during and after.

With Lana, I was induced, but it was determined that my pelvic bones are way too narrow to allow a baby's head through, so I was taken back for a C-section. I never read the chapter on C-sections in What to Expect.. and we missed the birth class on C-sections, so I was pretty oblivious at the time, getting wheeled to the OR. This time though, I know what's coming and I am not looking forward to it. Perhaps you or someone you know had a C-section and was walking around that afternoon and running a marathon that weekend, but I thought it was pretty painful and I was surprised how immobile I was and for how long.

I know it will be fine, I will get some percoset, in two weeks I will be almost feeling like I can get out of bed, etc. But I still feel nervous about surgery--things happen. My OB is coming home from vacation today and I have the first case tomorrow--he better not be jet lagged. But even with a well-rested and competant surgeon, things happen. So say a quick prayer for me and little baby. I don't want any surprises--just a routine surgery and a healthy baby.

Bill will be with me during the day, but will come home to be with Lana in the evening and overnight. My inlaws will have her during the day and will likely help out with me at home, once I am released and Bill goes back to work next week. My mom is staying the nights with me in the hospital. I am so lucky to have so much help this time, especially compared to last time.

So that's it. I am nervous, but excited. I feel like I am about to defend my dissertation or take the SATs. Something big and life-changing is about to happen. I had a raspberry jelly donut today to take the edge off--it helped. I hope my good eating habits return once this baby is out. I am not going to live a long life on nachos, nutella and jelly donuts. Tomorrow we are a family of four!

Here are some final pregnancy photos taken yesterday:

This one was from last weekend--I feel sorry for my shirt, its almost not going to make it.